r a w

.

..

...

..

.

i remember sometimes,

how you hurt me.

sometimes i let the images in,

flickering demons,

of a ever-present

haunting past.

sometimes i remember

how your fingers dug into

my skin,

piercing,

dark-blood,

dark against the ground.

sometimes i remember

screaming-

pleading-

"no, please"

but you never

stopped.

kept scrawling patterns

bruises,

welts in my skin,

pounding,

smiling when i cried.

sometimes i remember your words:

"whore,

bitch,

useless,

worthless,

worthless,

worthless."

i remember tear drops,

budding like dew on

my cheeks.

do you know that i

believed you?

do you know that i

struggle-

so

very

hard

every day,

smiling, telling myself

"you're beautiful,

it's okay.

it's over."

but it's never over.

no one understands.

but maybe that's

better.

because the one thing

i don't want anyone to

know, is

how very weak

i was when you hurt me.

i don't want anyone to know

how i

snapped, how

i

punched, kicked, thrashed,

hurt you back,

like the fucking monster you were.

but it's not even that,

really.

my deepest, darkest secret

is how i sat there on the stairs,

tensed,

waiting, watching you

cradling your broken arm and crying,

feeling a vicious sort of satisfaction,

listening to the word

"worthless,

worthless,

you'll always be worthless,"

pounding in my skull.

my darkest secret is my fear that

i, this person who emerged from

the puddle

of

blood with eyes burning,

sitting here with my sad smile

sad eyes,

am the real monster.