I was a boat lost at sea after you, trying to gather

My bearings as all the treasures sunk. I lay at

The bottom with them, getting crushed by the

Weight of the waters. and mostly wonder about

The story we missed, the pages sticking to the Earth

Cause their text was never written. Our eyes kissing shyly and

I make a small retreat, there's smoke filling the sky, as thin

As cigarettes, from our pile of regret and palm tree leaves

That SOS we built on this lonely island, together.

I open my mouth and the ocean rushes in, greedily,

Salt and seaweed chips between my teeth. I wish

You could have just unraveled, made from thread;

Knit bones and teeth, I peeled off the strings of your skin

And you fell into a pile at my feet. We make small talk

And my arm brushes your arm. Even pretending, I can't

Find a better feeling. Unable to reconstruct. So I just float

Away on dusty clouds that reek of misery, press my

Face into them and my sorrow is the lightning that pours

Like daggers from inside them, to the damp ground

And helpless spectators. Pieces of me detaching, and

I'm the one who can't seem to pull herself together.

I don't want you to see me this way, strong soldier and

My pocket full of knives, So I wrap myself in

Newspaper, mold my figure into a smile, and you won't tell.

You could never tell. and I won't let you see, gathering the tattered

Remains in my palms, I grip them into two fists

And throw them across an empty canvas, some hapless ravine

Where you won't find me. You asked me to kill this thing

Inside; Some awkward commiserating you attempted so we could move on.

You asked for a cure, a quick fix. It takes more than pills and

Soft spoken apology, I whispered, but assured you it was

Quite alright.

Promising some disconnect, and the death of this tedious wanting

But instead took my trembling hands and hid it in the woods somewhere,

Slipping past your niceties and seeming

Sincere well-wishes, parked the car at the edge of the forest

and faced it with masked integrity. Animal; who came over me,

Gave me claws and red rimmed lips to speak. Her eyes

Are wide and fragile, as melancholic as your own. She is somewhat

Wild, but halfway scared, sadly confused and trying to

Remember which way home is. I touch her cheek, reaching out

And some of her emptiness just slips inside me, How can she

Know what to feel, or how to find her way home, when it was never even her story?

I step back, nearly weeping, You told me to kill this beautiful

Idea, put it to rest and watch its eyes grow dark, bury it in the

Earth it blossomed from, maybe burn it in a casual fire.

But I can't do it.

I could never do it.

So I let it run backwards, with frantic limbs and panicked brows

Feeling that strange mix of concern and helpless relief;

Wondering if I'll ever be found out. The animal still breathing,

I can feel it as a guilty infection taking root inside me.

A wrinkled smile, emerging. Rising to the surface, he's got

Different eyes and a slighter frame, He opens his wide, unburdened

mouth and asks me to try, please, try

with his wrinkled, half sad smile.

I fall in to his bed with a grin.

In those spaces between the moments I forget what you let in;

Because he loves me in this way that you never did.

And maybe, isitpossible, that I have fallen also, into love

Split in two. I'm as lost as the animal, feeling myself come

Apart at two sides, frantic and inexperienced, just trying to

Piece together a destination. Waiting for clarity from a mind

That has lived forever in a state of mess.

How about you fix this,

You tried to be a doctor before, so why don't you

Un-peel me this time, and cut out all the burnt edges

You forgot to recognize?

I could not kill the animal, so maybe you should do it.

It is running loose in that nameless forest I found and

I can't find it in my heart to go be done with it. Or maybe

It turned to thread, an acid-tipped needle sewing it into my flesh…

However it is. It may never find home with your skin always

Brushing across my skin, flesh-like dancers, even by

Accident, Our good intent. The empty mornings when you

Gently tiptoe your way across my mind, filling up the

Reminiscent spaces, or when you smile that soft, sweet

Smile you know I fell in love with.

So maybe we can't be friends.

And you were right, I should have murdered it. But

I didn't.

And here I am with this other hand, He does not realize my condition.

Though, He has seen all of me, he does not notice

The scars running rampant, like mini architects, building walls

And high topped structures, between this perfect boy, and the love

He's trying to share with me. We sit at a dinner table he

Thought was for two, and I'm nodding to the ghost in seat 3.

But I want to do right by him.

Doing everything in my power to let the animal live just in

Memory. I will run from your idea forever, the animal I set free

Because the killing was not inside me.

With no regrets.

Because happiness is never wanting.

It was never feeling as if I was never enough and

Receiving less than sincerity. So

I break the surface, rushing to the edge of the beach

Spread my arms wide and it's the wind that's got a hold of me

Now. It takes less than time, but more than heartbreak to

Really get out of me. With you, it will probably take more,

Some vast (unknowable) thing.

Like the distance of the sea, or running ten thousand miles

But I find I am ready.

I will grow thick skin so when your arm brushes mine, it

may, one day, mean only two arms touching.

It's not just for me, but the animal, and the boy with

The wrinkled grin. We're all looking for home. And

That may not be where you are.

What I'll realize, I hope,

Someday,

is Quite alright.


I can't just be friends with you. I'm always going to want to be more if you're in my life.

. . .

So maybe you should go.