I was a boat lost at sea after you, trying to gather
My bearings as all the treasures sunk. I lay at
The bottom with them, getting crushed by the
Weight of the waters. and mostly wonder about
The story we missed, the pages sticking to the Earth
Cause their text was never written. Our eyes kissing shyly and
I make a small retreat, there's smoke filling the sky, as thin
As cigarettes, from our pile of regret and palm tree leaves
That SOS we built on this lonely island, together.
I open my mouth and the ocean rushes in, greedily,
Salt and seaweed chips between my teeth. I wish
You could have just unraveled, made from thread;
Knit bones and teeth, I peeled off the strings of your skin
And you fell into a pile at my feet. We make small talk
And my arm brushes your arm. Even pretending, I can't
Find a better feeling. Unable to reconstruct. So I just float
Away on dusty clouds that reek of misery, press my
Face into them and my sorrow is the lightning that pours
Like daggers from inside them, to the damp ground
And helpless spectators. Pieces of me detaching, and
I'm the one who can't seem to pull herself together.
I don't want you to see me this way, strong soldier and
My pocket full of knives, So I wrap myself in
Newspaper, mold my figure into a smile, and you won't tell.
You could never tell. and I won't let you see, gathering the tattered
Remains in my palms, I grip them into two fists
And throw them across an empty canvas, some hapless ravine
Where you won't find me. You asked me to kill this thing
Inside; Some awkward commiserating you attempted so we could move on.
You asked for a cure, a quick fix. It takes more than pills and
Soft spoken apology, I whispered, but assured you it was
Promising some disconnect, and the death of this tedious wanting
But instead took my trembling hands and hid it in the woods somewhere,
Slipping past your niceties and seeming
Sincere well-wishes, parked the car at the edge of the forest
and faced it with masked integrity. Animal; who came over me,
Gave me claws and red rimmed lips to speak. Her eyes
Are wide and fragile, as melancholic as your own. She is somewhat
Wild, but halfway scared, sadly confused and trying to
Remember which way home is. I touch her cheek, reaching out
And some of her emptiness just slips inside me, How can she
Know what to feel, or how to find her way home, when it was never even her story?
I step back, nearly weeping, You told me to kill this beautiful
Idea, put it to rest and watch its eyes grow dark, bury it in the
Earth it blossomed from, maybe burn it in a casual fire.
But I can't do it.
I could never do it.
So I let it run backwards, with frantic limbs and panicked brows
Feeling that strange mix of concern and helpless relief;
Wondering if I'll ever be found out. The animal still breathing,
I can feel it as a guilty infection taking root inside me.
A wrinkled smile, emerging. Rising to the surface, he's got
Different eyes and a slighter frame, He opens his wide, unburdened
mouth and asks me to try, please, try
with his wrinkled, half sad smile.
I fall in to his bed with a grin.
In those spaces between the moments I forget what you let in;
Because he loves me in this way that you never did.
And maybe, isitpossible, that I have fallen also, into love
Split in two. I'm as lost as the animal, feeling myself come
Apart at two sides, frantic and inexperienced, just trying to
Piece together a destination. Waiting for clarity from a mind
That has lived forever in a state of mess.
How about you fix this,
You tried to be a doctor before, so why don't you
Un-peel me this time, and cut out all the burnt edges
You forgot to recognize?
I could not kill the animal, so maybe you should do it.
It is running loose in that nameless forest I found and
I can't find it in my heart to go be done with it. Or maybe
It turned to thread, an acid-tipped needle sewing it into my flesh…
However it is. It may never find home with your skin always
Brushing across my skin, flesh-like dancers, even by
Accident, Our good intent. The empty mornings when you
Gently tiptoe your way across my mind, filling up the
Reminiscent spaces, or when you smile that soft, sweet
Smile you know I fell in love with.
So maybe we can't be friends.
And you were right, I should have murdered it. But
And here I am with this other hand, He does not realize my condition.
Though, He has seen all of me, he does not notice
The scars running rampant, like mini architects, building walls
And high topped structures, between this perfect boy, and the love
He's trying to share with me. We sit at a dinner table he
Thought was for two, and I'm nodding to the ghost in seat 3.
But I want to do right by him.
Doing everything in my power to let the animal live just in
Memory. I will run from your idea forever, the animal I set free
Because the killing was not inside me.
With no regrets.
Because happiness is never wanting.
It was never feeling as if I was never enough and
Receiving less than sincerity. So
I break the surface, rushing to the edge of the beach
Spread my arms wide and it's the wind that's got a hold of me
Now. It takes less than time, but more than heartbreak to
Really get out of me. With you, it will probably take more,
Some vast (unknowable) thing.
Like the distance of the sea, or running ten thousand miles
But I find I am ready.
I will grow thick skin so when your arm brushes mine, it
may, one day, mean only two arms touching.
It's not just for me, but the animal, and the boy with
The wrinkled grin. We're all looking for home. And
That may not be where you are.
What I'll realize, I hope,
is Quite alright.
I can't just be friends with you. I'm always going to want to be more if you're in my life.
. . .
So maybe you should go.