(Author's note: this particular idea came while I was joking around with a guy in my class during a debate about, um... something relating to the government, I don't remember what. Feel free to review; but again, let's keep this clean! Haha, enjoy! ~not Ross)
To Whom It May Concern:
Dear Sir, Madam, or Otherwise,
How would you like it if you visited your grandmother one morning to find her naked and helpless in her bathtub with a broken hip? The shower is still running on her, the water turned cold because she only has a 30 gallon water heater? She slipped and fell. What if she was at the bottom of the stairs, unable to move because of the pain in her collarbone? What if she was watering her flowers and tripped over the garden hose?
Falling is the leading cause of injury at home among Americans sixty-five years of age and older. And whose fault is that? Certainly not their fault. Where are they to find the money to buy a non-slip mat for the bottom of the bathtub? Not my fault. You think I have the time to set up an emergency system with my grandma?
No, it's clearly your fault. The government's fault. One simple act of congress could intervene where our own private resources cannot be expended.
Gravity is consuming the hip bones of our elderly citizens every day. We must put a stop to it. You must put a stop to it. Outlaw this terrible force. Save your citizens. Work for the common good and ban gravity now!
If the more conservatives among you are against this idea, if those numbskulls think it's absurd, suggest to them this compromise: mandate that the acceleration rate of gravity be reduced from 9.8 m/s/s to 4.6 m/s/s or lower. A slower acceleration rate will provide my grandma with ample time to catch herself or grab a pillow to cushion her fall.
And with all the replacement hip surgeons and dealers that will be relieved of their duties from this wise move, you can make functioning, contributing members of society. I hear that there are welfare checks that need to be spent and soap operas that need to be rated.
So please, I beg you: stop this natural terrorist before all our elderly citizens are swallowed whole! Ban this foul GRAVITY!