Deep Meditation

By DJ Ritter

In this place between insanity and the colors I once saw, there is no forgiveness. There is not even a past to forgive. There is only a now to survive, and if you stumble and fall, it is an upside-down world that you now see. This is the story of what happened to me.

It took me by surprise, but I was as ready for it as I could ever be. I was ready for the last moment of my life. In that precise moment before my former life ended, colors as vibrant as the plumes upon a peacocks tail and as elusive as the tenth color hidden below and above a rainbow in the rain transgressed through the ground and the walls. The colors touched my sight beautifully. As a mother tending to her child before he takes a step off the edge towards insanity, the colors took me up by my soul and told me that they were not here to stay. It was their time to say goodbye, in the way that colors can say goodbye. I stood peering at the torrential hurricane through my blinded light of reason, and then the stone walls that surrounded me lifted off into the violent temperament of the storm.

They say those who dare it without being prepared are separated to pieces by a powerful thrashing energy, left behind (or perhaps under, or over, no one can say) where all resistance is hopelessly lost. I moved with the moment, chancing for another step after the last, knowing that the path ahead of me lay not flat and steady, but shaken and distorted. A thrashing energy threatening to destroy me strikes out at each step, challenging me and taunting me. My mind struggles to place the wavering path in front of itself, hoping not to lose balance at each footfall.

Warm air surrounded me in a moment, that moment lasting an eternity long. It split itself into three. My legs felt the air first, loosening themselves from the ground and kicking up. I find myself looking up at my ankles. They were never so fine before, with the colors behind them showering and pouring love that drips from my toes and descends to my chest. This is the second impossibility in the moment. I touch the drops on my chest with my hands, and they too feel the love that comes with the rain. The love that shines forth from beyond the colors, and the love that overbears the spirit with a fantastic question. The question is the third part of this impossible moment. I find that my hands have floated away, that they are in my head grasping at this question.

I see my hands tearing at it, shredding away strands of colors to find more. More love lay hidden, my hands are sure of it. What is it that I love? It is a love so fine it stands unopposed in a hurricane of emotions so strong yet so incomparable to anything outside my mind. My existential hands change colors, and my real hands have been lost along the path I tripped upside-down on. And then I close my eyes and my mind is blank. Suddenly I see a gem of perfect quality, and with it, a thousand more. They gloss the inside of my eyelids like a wonderful blanket reflecting the light coming from the inside of my head. My hands change colors once again, and are seen backwards through the mirror created by these gems. The colors torn away by these hands bounce in many directions, combining and tearing apart into countless combinations of graceful horrors and terrible beauty.

I suddenly realize a path appearing within the fantastic visions I see. The path lay flat and steady ahead of me, guiding me to it like a light in the night. The night surrounded me in colors and sights that I must face with equal force to peer at. I walk along the path my mind leads me up, feeling a gradual increase. I feel more comfortable with my vision, and I turn left and right to see that the vivid monstrosities of beauty and terror are almost behind me now and almost below me too. I see the tops of them and I note that there are waterfalls coming from their steep edges. The water flows over me, and into the path I am walking. It rushes me forward, taking time and ticking it forward quickly. The day comes quickly too, and the sun, knowing not of time, shines forth through my eyelids and illuminates the present only, leaving what I saw in the past behind and blinding perfectly my vision of a future to be. I see that I am hopelessly in a present moment, with times before and after lost to the sun. I feel the path in my mind unfolding, and expanding. My mind comes to focus, because it is here, in this present moment that it is needed.