Authoress: Vermillion Serpent
Note: Trying a style that I think works here. Aaand this came from one of those moods I get when I feel like writing something depressing! Just a quick note: 'Lawl' is pronounced 'lol' and is a nickname for 'Lawrence.
"Please.. please stay with me.."
"Please don't close your eyes.. I need you to keep them open.."
"You'll stay..? You'll stay.. please.."
"I'll stay with you Colby.. I promise.."
"You'll get better, you will.. I'll make sure you do.."
"Yeah.. yeah I'll do that.."
"Lawl.. Lawl don't! Keep them open, you'll be okay, it's not far now, okay?"
"Yeah.. okay Colbs.. I'll.. I'll keep watching you.. if you smile for me.. okay?"
"I will.. I'll do that for you."
"There.. you're so beautiful.. when you smile.. reminds me of how perfect you are.."
"I'm not perfect.."
"You are.. you're kind, loving.. forgiving... everything I'm not.. you're my angel.. you know that?"
"No I didn't.."
"Well you are.. shh.. don't cry.. come on.. I'm getting better, aren't I?"
"Yeah.. I just.. can't help it.. I can't stand seeing you like this.."
"I know.. bet I look pretty rough, huh?"
"Yeah.. not your best.."
"I like that.. hearing you laugh.. just stop crying now.. please?"
"I hate seeing you cry.."
"How long now?"
"Not long.. they're about ten minutes away.. you can make that.. easy.."
"Shhh.. of course I can.."
"I love you.. you know that.. right?"
"Yeah, I know that.. I love you too.. more than anything.."
"Heh now you're crying.. shhh.."
"I really do Colbs.. I don't want to leave you..."
"You're not going to.. you promised.."
"I know- OH God that hurt.."
"It's okay! Just a hitch in the road!"
"Yeah.. gahh.. God I wish it'd stop.."
"You'll be okay.. we're nearly there.. just hang on.. please.."
"Lawl.. please open your eyes.."
"They're so heavy.."
"I know.. but try.. for me, okay?"
"Thankyou.. I love you.. so so much.."
"I love you too.. more than anything.. and no matter what happens.. I always will.. always.."
"Nothing's going to happen.. you'll be fine.."
"Lawl.. Lawl come on, open your eyes, we're here.. Lawl? Lawl please answer me.. Lawl! Lawl please!"
"..I'm here... see.. got your.. hand... always.. loved.. holding your hand..."
"Come on.. keep your eyes open for me.."
"Sir, I'll have to ask you to let go for just a second so we can lower him down."
"Sure.. sure go ahead, hurry.. please."
"Colby? Colby your hand.. where-"
"Lawl they're taking you out of the ambulance.. I'll be with you in a second, I promise."
"Grab that end!"
"Sh*t, get him back on the stretcher!"
"Lawl! Lawl! Let me go! Lawl!"
"Sir, you have to stay back!"
"Lawl! Lawl please answer me!"
"Sir, calm down!"
"Get him on the stretcher!"
"Lawl! Lawl, answer me, please answer, come on.. please.. Lawl answer me... Lawl? Lawl! Please!"
"Lawl come on, don't die on me.. please.. you can't just leave me, what will I do? I need you.. I need you Lawl.. please... please just stay.. don't go, don't leave me... please.. don't close your eyes.. please.. I need you... please... please... Lawl... LAWL!"
Some say the screaming went on for a long time.. I don't know how long I stayed there, screaming your name over and over. I tried so hard to get you to answer me but you wouldn't. They took you inside and I waited. It was painful, I couldn't stop shivering, my teeth chattered, I gnawed my lips so much that I thought I'd draw blood but I managed to stop myself. I wanted to be awake when the doctor came out... told me you'd be alright. I tried sitting down but I couldn't get comfortable, I tried standing but I ended up pacing, I even tried to take a shower - a cold one - just to calm me down and stop the stinging on my cheeks from the salt but nothing worked. I couldn't stop my eyes or my mind bringing up every tiny detail of the accident; your pale face refusing to respond; the stretcher tipping and spilling you out onto the street.
My fingers have found the silver band around my ring finger and I toy with it. I spin it around and around my finger, watching the dips and curves flicker in the white hospital lights and I am taken back to the time you held it in your hand. You slid it onto my finger and we were dancing, slowly, our warmth blossoming into the air; the touch of your skin, your hair, your lips... the memory brings forth another erruption of tears that flow over my raw and chapped cheek bones.
I look up at the clock once more and my teeth find my lip ring and I chew it. I'm surprised I haven't bitten through it.
I guess the rest is a blur. More pacing, chewing, crying. More memories surface and torment me, some are real, some aren't. Some are horrific and visions that my mind has invented to make me panic and expect the worst. But nothing could have prepared me for the sight of that green-veiled man that walked across to me and sat me down in the cold plastic chairs.
He removed his surgical mask and I saw the lines of a frown above his eyes and my heart squeezed tightly. I felt sick and my knees shook. I gripped the chair tightly, so tight my knuckles went white, I remember thinking that if I gave myself pain at that point for some reason it would take away yours and you would be okay. I couldn't have lied to myself any more than I did at that time.
"Mr. Thomas.." he began and a sob escaped, wracking my body. Your name.. my name it was one.. we were one - part of the same person. It hit me then how much I needed to hold you and feel your chest rising and falling with my own. I needed to see your smile and feel your warm lips against mine. I felt my breath turn quick and shaky. The man continued.
"I'm afraid... it's bad news." My head was spinning, I couldn't see for tears welling into pools and dripping from my eyes that wouldn't close because it hurt too much to close them - my eyelids were too swollen, too dry to possibly close again. "He.. didn't make it. I'm sorry." My world stopped. Voices and noises around me swam and turned into swells of sound that made no sense. A low note rang in my ears and my body shook all over. I felt hot and cold and my chest suddenly became sticky and heavy. I tried to breathe out but I could only choke. I struggled to my feet but they wouldn't hold my heavy chest and I hit the floor with my knees. I don't remember whether it hurt or not. All colours blended into one and a film of water clouded everything. The heaviness moved up to my throat and I gagged on it. I wanted to scream, but my vocal chords were lost under the heavy bile building up in my throat.
I felt something heavy on my shoulder and for a brief second my heart skipped and I thought it was you, but the face I looked into was wrinkled and sorrowful, full of pity. I felt anger. I wanted to shout at him, tell him no. No you're not dead, you promised, you said you wouldn't leave me. The look on his face told me I did say that. Told me I screamed it at him. I didn't care.
Noises came back to me suddenly. Someone was screaming as my stomach clenched and I curled over into myself. I realized it was me. I heard my thick and heavy sobs and felt them as they forced themselves out of my body. I heard the doctors asking me to calm down so I could see you. My mind played games with me and told me that somehow I would wake you up if I saw you. That all you needed was my hand to hold. I'd give you life, like sleeping beauty.
I managed to keep the sobs down, if only for the chance to get to you and they took me to you. My heart dropped.
You were pale, your eyelids were darkening and your body was wrapped in white. Around you machines and screens stood silent. The room itself was quiet too. I remember watching your chest, waiting for it to rise and fall, waiting for your eyelids to flicker in a dream. Waiting for something. Anything. I felt myself trembling as I walked over to you.
I fell into the plastic chair beside your bed and slipped my hand into yours. I expected it to be warm, but it was cold. I felt a lump rising in my throat and I brought my hand up to your cheeks. I stroked them gently, wanting to feel your warmth but found none. I felt tears running again and I slipped my hand down to your neck, desperately trying to find something that was still warm, still you. I leant my head onto your chest finding nothing.
I ached to speak to you. But I didn't know what to say.. I knew that everything I wanted to say.. it was too late. I wanted to ask you whether it hurt, tell you I loved you.. more than anything... I wanted to say goodbye.
I love you.. goodbye... I'm too late..
I don't know what you were thinking.. whether it was happy, sad, lonely. If anything I wish I had been there.. holding your hand... like I promised I would, so you'd known that I was there for you. I want you to wake up. But I know you won't.
I stayed there for a long time. Lying there, breathing in your scent, the only thing left of you that was still alive no matter what. The nurses eventually had to move me and the next few days passed slowly, painfully slowly.
I had to tell everyone.
Nick broke. It was heartbreaking, I've never seen him so upset and it hurt to watch him. The same happened with everyone else, I heard their hearts shattering with each new word I spoke. Your funeral was nice. It was sweet, full of flowers and happy memories of you with your favourite music, they even played our song... I tried hard not to cry but you know me.. I picked out a headstone for you. It's black with an angel carved into it. I thought you'd like it since I know you always called me your angel.. I thought it might be like I would always be there with you. When they buried you they asked me if I wanted your ring. I said I did, but I wanted you to have mine. You're still my husband and I wanted something precious of mine to stay with you, so swapping the rings was my idea, I hope you don't mind. They're on a chain, one around my neck and one around yours since mine is too small for your finger and I'm scared of yours slipping off my finger and me loosing it forever. I couldn't bare it.
But that was a long time ago.. I came to visit you today.. to talk to you... like always... but also... because I'm scared. I'm so scared I'll forget you.
I don't ever want to forget the way your skin felt, your lips, your hair.. I don't want to loose that feeling... I could never forget your face, your eyes.. but I'm so so scared you're leaving me Lawl...
I don't know what to do..
Your pillow doesn't smell of you anymore...
I wish you'd come back.. help me, tell me what to do...
I love you..
I miss you..
Inspired by Pieces - Red.
I don't own this, nor do I lay claims to it.