I never did end up finding Kevin or Heather. Hell, I was lucky I could find the rest of my body in that swirling sea of people. I did, however, manage to find Matt, slung out over a kitchen bench, passed out, with his head in what I hoped was a bucket of fertiliser. I made sure to take a picture for future blackmail purposes.
Luckily, the next day was a Sunday, so Matt ended up on my couch with a box of painkillers on his chest, an energy drink by his head, and a sticky note attached to his forehead that said "You owe me". I was making omelettes in the kitchen, but boy, did I heard him wake up. First came the crash as he fell off the couch. Then the grunt of confusion at the sticky note. Finally, as he realised what was going on, I heard "Love you, Xavier!" He gets kind of bro-mancy when he's hung over.
He shuffled into the kitchen just as I set down the omelettes on the bench. I didn't bother to mention the sticky note still attached to his forehead. "So, have fun last night?"
"Meet anyone interesting?"
"Have wild, crazy sex with a pair of Russian gymnasts?"
"Lying to me?"
"Indeed. What an intelligent conversation" I began to wash the dishes. Yeah, that's right. Not only do I cook, but I also clean. It's a miracle some girl hasn't snapped me up yet, right? "I didn't see Heather and Kevin last night. Maybe they weren't there."
"Oh, no, they were there. And I did some snooping on Kevin."
"He's awesome at beer pong."
"And how did you find that out?"
"Well, why do you think I have such a massive hangover? For the record, I think my head has been squished, bashed, and thrown through a blender. Hurts to think. Hey, where are your parents?"
"They've gone shopping. They're thinking of renovating Aidan's old room."
"Right. And Laura?"
"Beats me. I think she's out with friends."
"That's good. I don't think Laura's gotten over the whole love note fiasco yet." Last year, Matt and Laura got into a rather uncomfortable turn of events involving Matt trying to declare his love to the girl of his dreams. But that's another story, albeit a really funny one.
"Okay. I go back sleep now." Matt slid off the stool, and shuffled back into the living room. Three seconds later, I heard the thump as he fell, face first, back onto the couch. It's good to have a friend who cares.
A few hours later, the two of us were sprawled over the couch, playing video games. Matt had somehow acquired a pair of my mum's pink fluffy earmuffs. Apparently, hangover + loud explosions = ouchies. Yep, Matt's a bit of a crybaby when it comes to hangovers.
Just as I yelled into his ear in order to distract him, the front doorbell rang. I opened it to find- "Heather?"
"Hi, Xavier!" I was instantly very aware of the fact that I was wearing a t-shirt and boxers. "Uh... what's up?"
"Oh, not much. I was in the neighbourhood, and I thought I'd pop in and say hi!"
"Xavier! Come back to bed, darling! I'm feeling frisky, and I want you right now!" Never before have I wanted to kill Matt so much. Although it did get a heart-flipping giggle from Heather. "Was that Matt?"
"If it wasn't, there's one manly woman in my house." That got a big laugh. Score one for me! "Anyway, Come on in." In the short time I was at the door, Matt had managed to move into a pose that would make most contortionists cringe. It was something along the lines of sitting upside down, with his legs in opposite directions, his head bent at an awkward angle, and one arm behind his back, all the while still pointing the game controller at the T.V. "Wha... Matt, just... the hell?"
"I don't exactly how this happened. Hey, Heather."
"Hi, Matt. Having fun?"
"Not entirely sure yet. Let me get back to you on that." I decide it was best to move the conversation away from my seemingly mental best friend. "So, where's Kevin?"
"At my place, recovering. He says he had a lot to drink when he was playing someone at beer pong!"
"So my hangover is not in vain!"
"Don't mind him, he's an idiot." I figured it was probably best to get Heather out of the same room as Matt, so I lead her back into the hallway. "How are you and Kevin, anyway?" Time to put Plan I'm Better Than Kevin into action. "We're good, although he seems as bit distracted. Maybe he's found another girl?" Hmm, maybe this plan will be easier than I thought. "No, if he'd found someone else, he'd have told me. We love each other, and I would trust him with my life." Maybe not. "It can't be easy, you living here, and him going back to New York soon."
"Yeah, I know. I'm worried that he's going to go back and completely forget about me. I'm not sure I could stand that." I looked her in the eye, all dramatic-romantic style. "Don't worry. I'd be there to help you."
"Thanks. You're a good friend, Xavier." Ouch. Would you like to twist the knife as well, or just leave it in there? "Anyway, I'd better get going. I'll see you at school?"
"Yeah. See you, Heather." As she closed the door behind her, I walked back into the living room, where Matt was still in his unorthodox pose. "You hear all of that?"
"Yeah. And, dude?"
"You are so friendzoned!" I reached for the nearest pillow and threw. It hit him smack bang between his inverted legs. He deserved it. Cheeky bastard.