I had this dream, where I was in the wedding, walking in a church, a beautiful blue church. I was walking straight, towards him… he stood still while I was walking, but when I reached him…
"What are you doing tonight?" said John staring at me.
"Nothing" I said like if I didn't wanted to talk to him, for some reason I felt distant since the day I saw him. It felt weird, like if the was a barrier between both of us. And I wasn't even sure about breaking it.
"We will go somewhere I want to go with you" He said in a normal tone, I thought it was more like a command than a suggestion.
"I guess" I replied staring at him hardly, it did surprised me that he was inviting me to "somewhere" I didn't even know how to replay to that.
"Okay, then I will come here and take you at seven, use formal clothes please"
"Sure" I said uncertain "Where are you going now?" I asked without waiting for an answer. John was the kind of people that think others should be on their own business.
"Just to get some stuff I bought at this store, but I'll be here, it is a compensation for not going with you to get your wedding dress" he said with a bad boy smile on his face.
"Okay…" I said as he walked to me and hugged me, he smelled so good that all I wanted to do was kiss him on the lips and think that he was my actual love. But he wasn't.
He kissed me on the cheek, like all gentlemen do. I thought this was really sweet of him.
After he went out that door, I stood there in the couch, bored, trying to think about something else that wasn't the wedding. I was traumatized because of this. And it turned to be really stressing too.
Then the phone ringed, the sound was so loud that maybe you could hear it miles away from there, oh, and it was so irritating too, so I didn't even bother myself on answering it. I was so bored that I started thinking about what my mom told me, long ago, when I was eleven years old. I met this boy at school, his name was Tarawa- Lee, for me, he was the cutest boy ever, and even though we were friends, I never told him that I really liked him. Until a day I actually did. But he just rejected my feelings, and never talked to me again. Ever…
After that day, I started crying all days and not eating much, maybe I was so young to understand that a woman doesn't deserve to cry for men. And that's what my mother told me after I explained to her. "No man is worth crying for, even if she loves him" she said on a sweet voice, making it sound again and again in my head. Till that day, I promised that I was never going to cry for a man that didn't deserve my tears.
I do wonder, if John will make me cry one day. Making him feel worth it.
The phone has been ringing for five minutes now, it was so annoying that I wanted to throw it from the window and sleep a little before John came to pick me up. But that wasn't just—
"Hello? John, are you there?" A voice came from the phone's speaker. I looked at it in surprise, it was Violetta Plumbob.
"I'm sorry, I know you don't want me to call you anymore" she continued. "I just can't continue like this, we both trying to pretend that there is nothing going on between us. We were happy before we knew you had to marry, and we do not deserve this" I heard, my hands were shaking. "You know that I love you, and I know you love me. You are just so… hard to understand yourself" she paused and sighed hard. "I love you John, I really do, and even though, you told me not to talk to you anymore, I will. Because I'm in love"
Then she hung up.
My whole body was shaking by now. I stared at the phone for a minute, studying it. What just happened impressed me, made me feel sorry. But not for me. I felt sorry for both, Violetta and John. What if they were really in love and they are now separated because of my fault? I thought for a second, trying to figure out what just happened.
But I just couldn't.
After thirty minutes and five seconds, John knocked the door –I know because I counted them- and told me to dress formal. I put on a large red dress and black hills, my hair was curly and I had a pair of earrings on. I was wondering where we were going, but I couldn't ask, I couldn't even look at his face after Violetta's call. I felt guilty, even though it wasn't my fault at all. It was my parents.
"Are you ready?" He said looking at me carefully.
"Yes" I shortly responded, without looking at him. I could feel that barrier again, getting thicker as we talked, maybe, just maybe, this barrier will exist for the rest of our lives. What could I say?
"Okay, then, we should go" He said taking my hand tightly, leaving our apartment empty.
We didn't say anything for the next minutes going to the "somewhere," and it wasn't that I wanted to have a big conversation with him, but sometimes –like in this case- remain silence was better than making things worse. Yes, I am talking about Violetta Plumbob. How could I tell John that I knew the truth? That Violetta and him were lovers? How would he respond? I thought about it more than once, struggling to find an answer by myself, and save me the urge to ask. But what if he is kind enough to answer sweetly and tell me the truth? Maybe with a "She is in the past"
"What did you say?" John said, he was in the phone, still holding my hand. The car where we were driving was a red BMW he would say was his favorite, I liked it too, and it was very comfortable, kind of those cars that you see on movies or commercials, and that people only watch but don't buy because they are hugely expensive. I wonder if that is the reason why middle class men hate first class people.
"No, I haven't… I told you to… please, stop doing this… Yes I am with her, but that doesn't concern you anymore" He said, and for some reason I knew that the one in the phone was Violetta, and it was weird that you know they were talking about me.
"Who was that?" I asked him whispering, regretting the question.
He sighed loudly, and I could see how he looked so sad. "Nothing, just a friend" He said breading hard. "Just a friend" he repeated more to himself than to me.
"Oh, okay" I told him not wanting to make him feel worse than now.
"We are here now" He said while the car stopped. And still holding my hand tightly, we both went out the car.
The first thing I saw was a beautiful garden filled with flowers of all colors, blue, yellow, red, and purple, they were all amazingly good cared of. Then I saw a mosaic that had flowers painted in, they were all spread and filled with colors, it was the most beautiful thing I have seen in my entire life.
Passing through the other side I could see a huge fountain that had fish in it, they were Koi fish, I could count eleven of them.
"Koi fish…" I said to myself reminding the Koi fish tattoo I made on my lower back when I was eighteen, my mother didn't care at all, because the meaning of the Koi fish tattoo is luck, she even drove me to the "tattoo makers" and stood with me while the "artists" made their job. But maybe it doesn't mean luck, if you know what I mean.
"They are my favorite" John said looking at them with appreciation, and then with his left hand, he touched the water carefully. I stared at him for a second, admiring how the moon was shining on his face, even at night, his gorgeousness was infinite. "Chin- Sun… Can I ask you a question?" He said still playing with the water, and I could feel by his tone, that the question was important to him.
"S-sure, what is it?" I said nervous, what was he going to tell me? I thought, my heart was pounding hard, I felt like if it was going to come out at anytime. Dison laughed slowly and said.
"When you knew we were going to marry, what was your first though?"
I stared at him carefully, studying his face, he was smiling and holding my hand now, my hands have always been cold and soft, but with his, my hand felt warm and powerful, filled with a love that seemed new and strange all at the same time. I thought about the question for a few seconds, looking at the garden and feeling the breeze smooth in my entire body, moving my hair back and forward.
"I was mad" I finally said, without laying, and I surprised myself on how I didn't lied to him, I have never lied to him in the past days, and it felt strange that I couldn't lie. I mean, lying is as normal as breathing, going to the restroom or eat.
Then it hit me, one of my past memories. A memory of this guy that I felt in love with. Tarewa.
It was long time ago, when I was fourteen years old, when I met him at the school grounds, I was new at the school, and I wasn't really good making friends, I felt lonely and deserted. For more than a year at the institute, I would play and talk alone, no one, for some reason, wanted to be my friend, or at least pretend to. Then he came one day, handsome as an ancient roman warrior, with white skin and light brown hair, his dark brown eyes and those pink lips that enchanted you with only looking at them. He… was the perfect being.
A month passed and we were now best friends, we knew each other pretty well, went to a lot of places together and shared secrets that no other knew. We were inseparable. Also, that was the first time I knew I couldn't lie, I just couldn't, every time I wanted to lie to him, no words came out, I'd just stay there staring at him with my open mouth trying to pick the correct words and lie. Maybe that is the reason why he knew what I felt for him, a strange sensation of love that only this person could break. And… he did.
"Chin-Sun, remember the day we met?"
For some reason I felt the same connection with Dison.
"I couldn't believe that my mother took that decision without even telling me" I said shaking my head. "I screamed her stuff that I regret right now, I even raised my hand to hit her…" I said, and I was surprised that I was not only saying the truth, but that I wasn't crying, my voice was breaking, but no words came out.
"And-" I said but Dison stopped me with his hand, gently brushing my arm. Our gaze met then, I could see that he was feeling sorry for me so I looked away, I always hated people who feel pity for others. Make stuff easier but makes you feel worst in a lot of ways.
I took John's hand away and twisted my body, showing my back, then he stepped away, knowing that I didn't like what he was doing.
"I don't want you to think I feel pity for you" He said in a low voice, I opened my eyes in surprise when I heard this, it was like if he was reading my mind, and somehow it felt pretty unusual.
"Good" it was all I could say, then he stepped forward and took my arm again, he twisted me and our eyes met once again, he was so close I could see my own reflection on his eyes. I never consider myself as a handsome person, but looking at me in his eyes, I felt like if I was the most beautiful person in the world, and for once, I felt I belonged to somebody.
"I know, this is what you don't like, but this is what you were born for, maybe it was our destiny to be together after all" He said stepping closer, then almost hugging me, he put his lips on my ear, and whispered simple five words.
"Chin-Sun, will you marry me?"
I didn't move away when he said this, I just stood there smelling his nice perfume, then I thought of Violetta, how he loved him and how she wasn't going to give up on him, I guess now I am the one who feels pity for someone. I will hate myself for this.
"I…" I tried to say no, but then I remembered that I had no option after all, and even though I didn't want to "take away" the lover of another person. I had no choice. "Yes" I said, wanting to cry.
That is when John stepped back and took my elbows with his hands, then taking my chin, his face came closer until we both closed our eyes and had our first kiss.
What am I doing…?