You asked for it. So I wrote it. I hope you enjoy the second part of my "sheep" guidebook type things.
How to Survive Sheep That Are Out For Your Flesh
I have never had much luck with sheep.
If any of you fine people have read my previous guide, on surviving a potentially deadly sheep attack, you'll know just how true that is. To recap, I looked into the dark, black eyes of a sheep and I saw death staring back at me. Yes, it's true. A male ram, who was on a power trip, decided to mess up my photography session by trying to murder me. You should really go and read it - I'm not going to recount that whole tale for you here. Go on, you could learn some useful survival skills.
Read it? Ok. Well now I have to warn you of something else. Something much more sinister.
I'll just let that bombshell sink in for a moment. You okay? Calm your nerves, have a glass of water or something. Ready? Okay.
Yes, zombie sheep. You may recall that I was wondering if such a thing existed. I mean, sheep are evil, that much we already know - but the question as to whether they turn into flesh eating monsters had never really been investigated. I had to be the one to find out. Just my luck that, you know.
A few days ago I decided it was time to go back up the mountain. Well, it's not a mountain in the scheme of things - it's no everest. It's a big hill, I guess. You can see for miles off the top though. I mean it's mainly grass you can see but in the distance, houses and shit. Real scenic stuff, you know. Ah sod it. Call it what you want. The point is, I went back up there.
I figured with my new found knowledge of sheep survival skills, that I would be just fine. Sure, the previous visit had nearly ended with me being impaled on a ram's head but it was time to face my fear. In fact, I hoped I'd see that ram again, just so I could laugh in his face and taunt him about how I'd survived. Maybe I'd yell "MINT SAUCE!" or something similar, for added effect.
But when I got to the hillside, it seemed eerily quiet. It's a pretty lonesome spot to start with like, but even the wildlife seemed to have disappeared. I couldn't see any sheep at all. I looked in all directions, figuring that they would be hiding someplace, waiting to catch me off guard. Their sneaky like that, you know. I was ready with step number one - think on your feet - but it turned out that I didn't really need to. There wasn't the familiar "bahh" of the sheep to greet me, nor was there the gentle birdsong overhead. I was well and truly alone.
Or so I thought.
What? I was trying to be dramatic. What do you mean it's not very scary? Charmin'. Not the toilet roll, no. Your impatience that's what. Can't a girl set the scene without being nagged about it? Okay, okay. I'll get on with the story.
So, I know what you're thinking. There aren't any sheep, let alone zombie sheep. Hurry up and get to the point, is probably what that expression on your face says. Well, keep your hair on, because I'm at the point, right now. The exciting point. Oooh.
I headed further along the gravel path towards the far end of the mountain. Or hill. Whatever. For a while, I couldn't hear anything, except for my own footsteps and the odd gust of wind. I was just about to turn back and give up hope of finding any wildlife when suddenly, I heard a rustling noise in the grass. I turned so quickly I became dizzy and almost fell to the floor. Stop laughing. I can't help it if I spun around like a maniac and grabbed at my forehead shouting "woah" can I? I must be part ninja. Such speed, you see. Anyway, it was just in time to see a blur of white dash through the grass.
Got you, I thought. The sneaky little bastards. No doubt they were planning some sort of menacing attack from behind. They probably intended to hide in the grass and then wait until my back was turned. Then BAM, I'd be dead. It would be revenge for me surviving their last attack. Probably the same damn sheep - wanting to regain some of his pride back.
I was ready though. I knew the three basic steps of bravery, speed and thinking on my feet. So I stood there and waited. Bring it on, I thought. If you want to make this a war, then lets dance sonny boy.
I was not, however, prepared for the undead. Not the kind of slow walking, drooling human undead that you see in movies. You know, the ones who walk so slowly that you watch the movie and you think to yourself "I could crawl away from that situation alive!". Seriously. Why don't zombies run more often? They'll get skinny. Come to think of it why are zombies kind of half-munched? You know, like when you see them with just one or two bite marks and yet any attack they do is like, way excessive violence where they eat EVERYTHING on the victim. It doesn't make sense, really. Zombies man. They are weird.
Where was I? Oh yeah. I wasn't prepared to see the undead. Fat, wooly, sheep undead.
I told you, didn't I? I just had a feeling that they'd be out there someplace. Not that I ever really wanted to meet one but it just seemed like something typical of sheep. They spend their entire lives sneaking around and attacking people with their horns and then even in death they want to kill you.
Right there, in the grass stood a lone sheep. I couldn't see his friends but didn't doubt that they'd be out there some place. Waiting. Watching. Evil, sadistic bastards. There was something strange about this sheep, however. He had evil eyes. More evil and soulless than usual. They glowed an odd red colour. He had teeth, too. Exposed teeth, as if his lip had been pulled back like a snarling dog.
"BAHHH!" He yelled at me.
"Oh piss off." I said, "Mint sauce. Remember that."
Clearly, I'd angered him. He lowered his head, showing me his sharpened horns. Then, he kicked up dust and charged at me, full force. Shit. It was de ja vu all over again. As he got closer, I noted how he was foaming at the mouth. Clearly he wasn't a normal sheep. That's when it hit me. He was a zombie. I guess sheep are no longer vegetarian after they die. There was no ditch to save me this time, so thinking on my feet, I dodged his attack then began to run away down the hillside.
What! No I didn't scream! Piss off. You've forgotten step three - bravery.
Anyway, as he gave chase, I could see that he was trying to nip at my heels. The bloodlust carried over from time he was mortal. He was hungry - hungry for me! I was having trouble keeping up the pace and the zombie sheep was relentless. He was snarling and "baaah"ing right behind me. For a moment, I thought that I was done for.
That's when I saw a man, who was preparing a picnic a little futher down the hillside. He seemed oblivious to my situation and I saw that his car was parked right next to him. The door left open, the key presumably still in the ignition. I did what I had to, to survive. I legged it to the man's car, dived inside and locked the door.
What? Of course I warned the man. I yelled "ZOMBIE SHEEP!" at the top of my lungs as I passed him, but he didn't believe me. I guess he thought I was on drugs or something. I mean, you would too right? Well, not now because you know better. Still, he didn't take my advice. I dived into his car and locked the doors. He started complaining, of course, trying to get me out and threatening me with police action. I told him to either get in with me or that he would die, because I wasn't sticking around. He seemed unaware of the beast at his back, so I started the ignition and floored the car.
I know. It was heartless and soulless and makes me as evil as the sheep themselves. But it was dog eat dog. Or sheep eat man. Whatever. I had to survive. I gave the man a chance to live and he chose moaning at me for stealing his car. It's not my fault he left himself open to the zombie sheep behind him, is it?
Well, I wont go into details but the image in my rearview mirror wasn't pretty. Carnage. Blood and guts. A lot of baaahing at the moon. Strange, other-worldy shit.
So that's how I discovered zombie sheep. And now you know, people, that zombie sheep do exist. Now, I know I ran away and sacrificed another persons life to survive such a situation but after thinking it through later, I can now provide you with some much more helpful tips to survive the zombie sheep invasion. If I could have done it again, I'd already be armed and I'd of shot the little sucker.
Firstly, like before - cardio. Run! Run like hell. Don't stop running until you are either in someone else's car or you have climbed out of the sheep's reach. Hiding doesn't work with this breed of monster - they can sniff you out. Trust me. So stop eating dohnuts and get into shape - you'll need to be able to run like an Olympian if you want to survive the dreaded zombie sheep.
Secondly - always carry a weapon. A gun, prefferably. You can probably find one from the local teenagers. Befriend them. They respond well to "Aight Blood, innit, I need a piece, bro." Or so I'm told. I haven't killed any zombie sheep yet, but I presume it's just like any other zombie. The zombie breed tend to die if they have brain injury so aim for the head and you should do alright.
And, when combined with the basic steps of thinking on your feet, speed and bravery, you use the above techniques and still find yourself fucked, then you can do what I did. Sacrifice everyone else in your way and hope to God that they stay full enough to not come munching you for dessert.
Thanks for reading. Any reviews / comments are appreciated.