I didn't think it'd be this way, moving on:
Simple, I thought, I will hand you your quick
fix, and flash an airbrushed smile in your
Direction. Not having you inside my life, Outside, instead.
Where you decide to lie your body. You close your eyes
To my plastered happiness, still somehow manage
To let regret slip in, right below my spine,
Blooming across my center, helps me remember, Climbing
Through my neck to mouth, wrapping around
My head; I remember the story of us
How it was never even a tale, nor
Tragedy or melodrama, just a melancholic narrative
Nothing even happened. I wasn't a fighter, more nervous and
Weak kneed; ready to believe the things you said.
(And I can't make you love me, If you don't. I can't make
you feel something you won't.) So I look at you now,
Both of us cross legged on the same hillside, mountain top
Or maybe it's a lake. The grass between our toes,
The stars that shine, shining, seems as if, they're in both our eyes.
I glance at your silhouette, the small bump of your nose and
I forgot how much I used to like your eyes, but; we still have our books and art,
Our nature and trains of indignation, Not everyone likes
Star gazing like we do, and its beatbeatbeating beneath our skins,
always will, Do you feel it too? I could ask, but we put our heads
Down, and let the cold set in.
I rip the blades from the dirt and curl them in my
Fingers, feeling rough and out of place, like you seem to make me,
My fingers turning brown as you pick at flowers, gingerly,
Touching their faces and spots of color, You are
As seducing as the first time I met you
With your quiet eyes and half-sad expression.
And I look at the lonely hand picking apart petals,
And wonder why you couldn't have just
Gripped onto mine, when I offered so many times; and I think you know
I would have fallen apart at your feet.
With your paper-like skin and wide mouth, the perfect things about you
That I just seem to fit with. Or at least, want to, I'll
Carve myself into starry eyed shapes,
And the moon always meant more to me when I'm next to you.
I tried to ask you to stay here with me; please. Sleep beside me
And I'll wake you up with a smile, We'd wake up counting
Dreams. But you pulled away like I was
Pulling teeth, What was so hard about it, I'm curious
How vast was your distaste, how much did it really seem not worth it;
Do you owe me that much, I can't even tell
Anymore, I don't know anything and I feel like I missed everything.
Thinking these illiterate thoughts, and how I feel so out of place.
I remember when people said
How hard you are to read.
How people kept telling me, it'd be so fucking easy.
And I kept asking, how do you know?
They didn't though, and I never did
I kept trying to view you as a window, a book I could
Pry open and dive between the pages, come up with words that look
And breathe and smell of you all over my hands. But you never let me in.
Maybe unlocked the door, as I wrapped two fingers around
Your wrist, but you were always good about pulling away
Before, I got used to it. Before, it became something expected.
And I think you realized, but chose not to comment.
How I could have held your hand forever.
You were so cold, in your bravado-smile-way, Your kind words
And the things you decided to ignore, If you feel anything
How does anyone even see! when you're not speaking
It's all wrapped up inside you. It doesn't have to be, I whispered
And told you things I don't even tell my friends
But you wear a mask so thick, it can't translate.
And I think about how maybe there were words between those lines…
I scramble up the text and if I'm asking you for anything it's for you to try, be true, and if you ever wanted me, why didn't you even TRY?
But why would I ask that,
Fucked up intention, and I asked so many times.
Why am I asking that;
Then I think about how I probably did everything wrong
And I'm known for ripping fine things up and burning up
The shreds, in my search of finding what you needed
I probably just pushed you away instead. And I could
Maybe talk about how much I wanted to be for you
I could maybe make you blush.
But not this time.
Cause you broke my heart once, but I find
It keeps breaking, every time. Over and over, I keep thinking
it's over. Then you do something small, like smile
or walk or get mad, and I turn into my know nothing self
And you know, I'd come running, if only you'd ask.
Why am I saying this; You told me we should just be friends.
So what, if
You make me feel like it's my fault
So what, if
I still wish I could have been better
Would you even want it?
And you maybe ask why I am so dramatic
Still mixed up inside infatuation, I guess that's what this is.
But I can't explain it.
It's that kind of wanting, without reason or well-planned thought,
And even trying, I can't wash it off of my hands, like you've
Seemed to have accomplished. Maybe if I bleed out.
(And even now, I'm still trying to undermine everything I felt for you
By using too-soft words and not revealing how much I care, not so naked
As this broken text helps me seem)
And I'm listening to those songs you posted and
Still trying to read your smile. I keep writing 3 page
Poems trying to figure out the whys.
And what happens next?
It's all so wrong and I feel backwards, I didn't
Think this is how it would go; YOU let me go.
YOU decided that, remember… Not me, no. And I'm
A distraught mess on my bed, trying to convince myself
I did everything I could have done. Right? Nervous girl
Puts a hand to her head and wakes up with traces of a dream
Behind her eyes. Her life looks tired and she's sort of sick of
Asking questions, I don't know if I want to know.
If I turned back, If I had waited.
Why is nothing simply stated?
If you had meant to say something to me, why didn't you say it?
You know I was listening. And I would have crossed oceans for
You. You know that. Or maybe you never meant to say anything.
So what was I to you? A gentle game. Oh love, and maybe
I can believe you meant no harm. But what game were you playing;
It was my heart you said game over too. And now I'm tearing apart at both sides.
What was your reason and tell me why;
What will I mean to you in two days or three. Is it weird,
maybe, that I'll miss you?
And I keep crying nowadays over little things like
Arguments, pent up frustration, and I keep believing
The place where you were was the only place the grass
Had ever seemed greener. But that's not true, is it?
If I did believe it.
If this keeps happening.
I didn't even realize what I did. AND DOES IT
TAKE TIME? WHAT DOES IT TAKE?
Fuck. It hurts. And I want to call your name and go
Back, I want to go so far back and show you who I am
First off, All the mistakes that I made. I can't take them
Back. We can't ever go back. But I still want you.
And nothing ever works out, does it.
Not in the way that we planned, and I thought maybe it'd
Be okay. Too bad.
Fuck Fuck Fuck. I KEEP PRETENDING.
And I can't seem to stop. And it's so fucked up.
But I'm being silly, I sigh with a soft smirk on my lips, I forgot
I'm not even your type. How could you fall in love with
Someone like me? My skins all wrong and I don't have
Perfect hips or perfect thighs. Ha! That's right. I'll write it down
On the back of my hand that way when I'm lonely and
Reaching out for your idea, I'll remember you never would have had me,
Not loud or proud or happy. The truth is, it didn't work out because
I was always so wrong.
And fuck, I'm laughing, the sarcasm sick on my tongue.
Cause I can't ever do anything to change it and its sort
Of funny, how life decides to keep spitting me out.
How nothing works out. And I'm going to be in love with you
Far longer than you even remember my name.
Your song makes me feel sick.
It burns in my chest, And it better not mean anything.
And I hate how
Every part of me wishes it were how you feel for me
The words and the rhymes
Do you regret?
How that would kill me.