On the Road

July 12

It's hot here at the beach. It's almost as though I'm in a microwave oven and someone's forgetting to take me out. I don't care, though. Where I come from it's always cold.

My name is Ben Scott. I'm 12 years old and from… well, actually I don't know where I'm from. I never bothered to find out because the town was so horrible. There was no sun, no rain, not even snow, yet it was freezing cold. Also, people would look as though you destroyed city hall. Of course, many people did destroy city hall. The security system there was as small as an untrained circus monkey's brain. Actually, the security system was an untrained circus monkey. Out of the five times city hall was destroyed, the monkey caused four of them. The first time he used dynamite. The second time he used a wrecking ball. The third time he used a truck. The fourth time he used a hot dog. I still don't know how he managed to do that. The fifth time the mayor ordered city hall's destruction to prevent the monkey from doing so.

More about my home town: the bills. The prices were horrifying. A guy named Bill came to us with the bills. If Bill couldn't deliver the bills, he'd give the bills to Phil, who'd bring the bills to us and tell us that Bill couldn't deliver the bills because he was being billed for not billing the billionaires in Billionairesville. If Phil couldn't deliver the bills, Bill would give the bills to Phil who would give the bills to Will who'd give us the bills and tell us that Phil couldn't deliver the bills because he was at a saw mill trying to bill the millionaires while Bill was in bill court, being sued by the billionaires for suing the billionaires in Billionairesville. If Will couldn't deliver the bills, Bill would give the bills to Phil, who'd give the bills to Will, who'd give the bills to Jill. Unfortunately, Jill fell down a hill with Jack and was being billed for breaking his crown.

Anyway, the bills were outrageous. Watching one episode of such classic shows like "The Stupid Sock Show," "Bob the Investigator Adventures," or even "The Unamazing Ukulele Player" would cost you $100,000! My family only watched TV at other people's houses, but we still got billed for the electric bill, the water bill, and the meat bill (every time you ate meat, you had to pay $70, while the meat would only cost $2 to buy).

The biggest problem in our town was the musical numbers. In films (especially if you're comedy fans) they could be boring, but at least they could sing. In my town, people sang really sad songs (understandable, since it was a sad town), but some people would scream at the top of their lungs. The strange thing was that the people who screamed were the only ones taking singing lessons.

That's why my dad got a new job: one where he travels around the U.S. as a traveling salesman. He bought an RV and took me, my mother, my 10 year old sister Katie, her best friend Casey, and my best friend David on a road trip. I've always been one for adventure and going to new places seems like a great adventure.

Anyway, right now David and I are on the beach in Honolulu, Hawaii. Today's my dad's vacation day, so we took a ferry here. David and I have just finished water skiing and discovered something: we stink! Literally. When looking down, I noticed all the fish were dying as we passed them. At home we could only afford to take 3 showers a month since the water bill was so high. Luckily, I've heard water bills are way less expensive in other towns.

Right now, David and I are relaxing and I figured it would be the perfect time to start writing this travelogue. We haven't done much today besides for skiing and swimming, and my sister and her friend are collecting seashells (which is understandable since they're so rare where we come from). My dad probably won't get to spend much time with us since he'll be working, but he'll probably be home in time for dinner like many fathers are. Also, he'll have Sundays off. My mom has promised to take us to wonderful places this summer and hopefully we'll find a new town to live in so David and I along with Kathy and Casey can start school in a school that's cleaner than the one from where we lived. When we do, my parents have promised to contact Casey and David's parents and get them to move to this wonderful place with us. For now, though, we're going to spend our vacation having the time of our lives.

Today's our only day in Honolulu. Tomorrow, we're taking our RV with us on the ferry, and are headed to Hollywood, California. I'll write more about it.