The story so far: Pete Robinson was just another self-sufficient, lackadaisical otaku until one day, a red comet fell from the sky which turned out to be the super-powered paragon of justice and all-around busybody, the Crimson Ranger. The original Crimson Ranger had been fatally injured while attempting to save a hostage from the minions of Wrath, but the hostage turned out to be nothing more than a decoy-doll with a bomb inside. With his dying breath, he cons Pete into taking his Red One Changer, a powerful item in the shape of a badge which was created with alien technology and allows the user to morph into the paragon of justice and all-around busybody, the Crimson Ranger. Just as Pete reluctantly agrees to take the badge, a fabulously beautiful costumed vigilante who calls herself Miss Vanity, appeared from out of nowhere seeking the badge. Pete refuses to hand the badge over and uses it to transform into the Crimson Ranger…
Pete Robinson: Pete is the epitome of average. The only notable thing about his character is that he is a video game and anime otaku and he loves to spend his meager salary importing weird things from Japan. Despite his hobbies, Pete is the type of person who does not hold strong beliefs and would rather go with the flow and avoid conflict if possible. Pete works as an employee at Games R' Go
Sheryl Harrison: A good friend of Pete who works as a manager at the hobby shop that Pete hangs out in. She has a very nerdy appearance and wears dark-rimmed glasses and has frizzy hair that looks quite reminiscent of overcooked spaghetti. Sheryl can be a bit of a control freak and likes to keep her shop nice and tidy. Lately, she has taken an interest in a comic book known as "The Adventures of Black Trojan"
Primela Rosenkreuz: Pete's co-worker who serves as the secretary of Games R' Go. A young woman with a model-like appearance that matches her trans-atlantic accent when she speaks. Most people wonder why she sticks to such a mundane job when she could easily be mistaken for a fashion model or actress. She seems to be on good terms with Pete.
Original Crimson Ranger: Conned Pete Robinson into succeeding him when he met his match in a decoy-doll/bomb. Is presumed to be dead since he was never mentioned again in the last episode after Miss Vanity's entrance.
Episode 2: The Light of RAGE!
"I'm off for the day, Primela. See ya."
"Have a good day, dah-ling." Primela Rosenkreuz answered.
Pete was in high spirits today. On the outside, he looked just like your average, seedy-looking 20-something, out of shape, otaku – but in reality, Pete Robinson was far from average because he was the protector of the world, the one and only ultimate busybody who could not keep his nose out of other people's business and paragon of justice, the super-powered Crimson Ranger. Pete recalled his first time fighting as the Crimson Ranger against the dangerous vigilante, Miss Vanity.
Pete wasn't even sure what possessed him on that day when he chose to use the Red One Changer instead of simply taking the path of least resistance and handing over the badge to the mysterious costumed woman…
"Why, Dah-link. Then you'll have to face the wrath of Vanity – Miss Vanity!"
Pete did not know how to use the Red One Changer, so he simply raised it up and tried a variety of stock tokusatsu/sentai morphing lines such as "it's morphing time," "rider change," and "Crimson Red Power, Make Up, until he hit the jackpot with "Transform! Paragon of Justice! Crimson Ranger!
Fortunately for him, Miss Vanity was generous enough to give him time to transform into the Crimson Ranger. Within a span of 10 seconds, Pete was engulfed in a ball of red light, started twirling around in mid-air with his eyes closed like a ballerina and his clothes magically faded away and were replaced by tight-fighting red spandex with a matching oversized motorcycle helmet.
"I take it you won't hand over the badge quietly now won't you, dah-link?"
Miss Vanity was totally unfazed by Pete's transformation – almost as if she was expecting it to happen.
"Hah!" Pete thrust his right palm out and placed his left fist over his head in a very unorthodox martial arts pose. In truth, he had absolutely no idea what he was doing so he just went with what felt most natural.
"Very well, fighting is not really my style for as you can see, I am more into fashion, but I have been known to make some exceptions."
Miss Vanity, who was brandishing a double-edged sword, closed the distance in a fraction of a second and slashed at the newbie Crimson Ranger's neck. Pete deftly blocked the blow… with his head – which was fortunately covered in a motorcycle helmet that was constructed out of an alien alloy which was nigh-unbreakable.
"Aha! Not bad, dah-link! But tell me, how long can you withstand my attacks?"
Without pause, Miss Vanity attacked with a flurry of slashes and sword thrusts which were so blindingly fast that it would have been a miracle if any man could defend them … but, this wasn't just any man after all but the paragon of justice: Crimson Ranger. Pete found himself instinctively using his forearms to block Miss Vanity's blade – which doesn't seem like a good idea. Fortunately, like any self-respecting super-powered being, the Crimson Ranger had a full-body force field aura that merely ignited into sparks while protecting the user from any attacks. Of course, the shield wouldn't last forever, but Pete wasn't exactly very good at fighting in the first place so he was just doing what felt most natural for him.
"Very impressive, dah-link! I did not expect you to have such iron-clad defense."
Miss Vanity finally paused to speak giving Pete a much needed break – not to mention allowing his force field to auto-regenerate.
"Err… what defense?"
"Aha! And such modesty as well." Miss Vanity seemed to be enjoying herself as she began talking in a very high-pitched voice.
"Very well, Crimson Ranger. I am afraid that I am ill-equipped to face someone as powerful as you in an all-out battle. I will have to tell my clients that I was simply outclassed by you in battle. We shall meet again, dah-link… ta ta!"
And with that, Miss Vanity vanished into a cloud of purple smoke.
At the same time, Pete asked himself, "Is it over?" before falling over unconscious.
"Pssst! Wake up…"
"Guess that wasn't loud enough…ahem… WAKE UP!"
"Jeebus! What? Are you trying to kill me? … wait, who are you?"
"I'm the original Crimson Ranger and I am here… to save your SOUL! Or something to that effect."
"What? Why would I lie to you?"
"Because the original Crimson Ranger was some kinda weirdo in tight-fitting spandex and not a twin-tailed little girl with an annoyingly cute voice, a flat 2D body and a ridiculously short skirt."
"Well, of course I am! I'm dead!"
"What does that have to do with looking like every other lolicon's dream come true?"
"Well… ya know, I've always wanted to be a 13 year-old schoolgirl and seeing as I'm really just the conscience inside your head and I don't really exist, I thought I might as well take this form… besides, how can you tell that the weirdo in tight-fitting spandex that you saw before wasn't really just a twin-tailed little girl with an annoyingly cute voice with matching DFC and moe skirt underneath?"
"I didn't say half of that stuff!"
"Anyway, you may call me Giselle Orchardwither."
"… pardon me for saying this, but that's a really stupid name."
"You can say that all you like, but I'm not the one to talking to a non-existent 13-year old twin-tailed Japanese schoolgirl am I?"
"That ADD level… you really are the original Crimson Ranger, aren't you?"
Since that day, the ex-Crimson Ranger, Giselle Orchardwither had been training Pete to use his pwnage powers to fight the forces of EVIL!
As the minions of wrath descended upon earth one by one on a weekly basis, it was up to Pete, the new Crimson Ranger to defend the earth with the awesome, awesome pwnage powers of the all-around busybody and paragon of justice, Crimson Ranger.
At first, it seemed like the Crimson Ranger was just barely surviving one desperate battle after another, but after surviving countless battles, Pete realized that fighting desperately was just his style and that this whole setup was so stupid that he might as well enjoy it. You might say that something snapped inside of Pete Robinson.
In any case, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and Pete Robinson was quite certain that he had been accumulating huge EXP. Points by defeating one powerful opponent after another in the last few weeks. Little by little, Pete was surely becoming a real paragon of justice – not to mention, all-around busybody.
Today, Pete was in a particularly good mood and he was determined that nothing was going to ruin that. He hummed to the tune of Ievan Polkka as he strode inside the hobby shop.
"Hi, Pete, read the 1st issue of The Adventures of Black Trojan yet?"
"Ah, I keep forgetting. I'll get to it sometime, Sheryl."
At that moment, somewhere in outer space, a diabolical conversation was taking place in the space fortress of the galactic conqueror and ultimate ragequitter, Wrath.
"Ah, I believe I have found the perfect target for my experiment in human sociology." Wrath mused in a voice that sounded like it came from a crotchety old man speaking through a microphone from inside a tunnel.
"Is that so, Wrath dah-link?" Miss Vanity, who had just entered the bridge of the alien fortress together with Wrath asked half-heartedly.
"Yes, my dear. With my new patent-pending light of evil transformation, I can pick some total loser off the street with some deep-seated psychological hang-up and turn him into a powerful monster of the week for the Crimson Ranger to dispatch… I mean, to dispatch of that ultimate busybody, the Crimson Ranger!"
"Oh pshaw! You men and your silly toys. Why would you even need such a thing to take care of the Crimson Ranger?"
"Since you failed to take the Red One Changer from him the last time despite my brilliant decoy doll/bomb plan."
"But Wrathy baby! If I continued to fight, I might have broken a nail! And that would have been… THE WORST POSSIBLE THING!"
Wrath immediately performed an epic facepalm. "You really try to live up to your name, don't you?"
Meanwhile, outside the shop, a bearded hobo was marching back and forth with a picket sign that read, "Please, Be Kind to Animals." This hobo was actually Mr. Rong Anderson, a half-Chinese illegal immigrant and animal rights activist who was once a professional mountain climber but was horribly betrayed by his climbing partner Mel Roth during a climbing expedition on the high peaks of Mt. Elma, a previously undiscovered mountain peak that was approximately over 9000 miles higher than Everest. This led to an unfortunate accident from which Rong Anderson made a full recovery and thus enabled him to learn the fateful truth that Mel Roth is a Satanist!
From that day onward, Rong Anderson devoted himself to protecting animals and discriminating against Satanists all over the world. Although he lacked any real superpowers, Rong Anderson had genius intellect and peak-human athletic ability which he used to gain near-superhuman skills in several fields including engineering and applied sciences, forensics, 108 forms of martial arts and a master's degree in bad-assery.
Back inside the hobby shop, Pete and Sheryl were using their alone time to… watch the news on TV.
"…a string of victims have been found to be bound, gagged and stuffed inside their own garbage cans. All the victims describe the perpetrator to have been wearing a black fur hide with a devilish horned mask that resembles that looks very much like a demonic goat."
A voice echoed inside Pete Robinson's head – an annoyingly cute one.
"Hmm… this guy could be trouble in the future."
"You think? Looks like the work of just some clown in a mask if you ask me." Pete responded out loud.
"Uuh… who are you talking to, Pete?" Sheryl asked.
"Oh, absolutely no one! No one in particular! Just mumbling to myself… la dee da~!"
Sheryl eyed him suspiciously for a while but then chose to continue talking about the latest issue of Black Trojan.
"Anyway, Pete. In the latest issue, the Black Trojan finds himself face to face with a rainbow-colored witch who uses dolls as a weapon! I tell ya, this issue is loaded with deep symbolism and allegory…" Unfortunately, Sheryl's words fell on deaf ears as Pete Robinson was actually a master of the art of tuning out things which did not interest him by pretending to be interested while actually ignoring you.
"Pete, ditch this dizzy bitch and let's get out of here, something big is coming, I can feel it in my bones." Giselle Orchardwither ordered from inside Pete's head.
"You don't have any bones, Giselle. You got incinerated when you crash-landed remember?"
"Hah! Hah! Hah! You are a genius, Pete. That last retort was filled with wit and verve! Now STFU (pronounced as Sta-Foo) and follow my directions. I sense the forces of EVIL in our midst!"
And so, Pete Robinson reluctantly left the hobby shop as per Giselle Orchardwither's directions. Sheryl was too busy talking about Black Trojan to even notice that Pete had left.
"Ok, so we're out of the hobby shop, what next?"
"Wait... I feel the work of an evil alien entity that is attempting to prevent us humans from ascending to our true spirituality somewhere in our midst!" Giselle Orchardwither answered with an annoyingly cute voice from within Pete Robinson's head.
"Are you a Satanist by any chance?"
At that moment, a plump middle-aged man who was actually an unemployed war veteran was walking down the street across the road from where Pete was arguing with an imaginary twin-tailed loli with an annoyingly cute voice who only existed in his head.
Suddenly, an unearthly light shone from the sky and fell directly on the man's head. Naturally, it came from outer space!
From within the light, the man heard an equally unearthly voice ask him, "I am Wrath, the seeker of cowards… err… I mean losers… err… I mean YOU there within this unearthly light! You obviously have a hang-up don't you? I can tell from your beady eyes and your round frame that you are an unemployed war veteran who has nothing better to do except incite rage within online communities!"
"H-how did you know that? Who are you?"
"Hahaha! Weren't you listening, son? I am Wrath! Alien warlord, conqueror of worlds and master ragequitter!"
"I must point out that you did not say half of that."
"Shut up! Being an anal bastard is what makes you an unemployed military otaku loser… but fear not, for I have come to bring you deliverance from your mundane life! Now… give in to your rage an arise… Iron Gearhead and go beat up people – like a BOSS!"
Suddenly, the light dispersed and from the unearthly phenomenon a humanoid form with a gearbox for a head emerged. Additionally, the figure had hands made out of poor imitations of drills which were actually just made out of cheap cardboard and colored with grey poster paint.
"Rawr! Behold, humans! For I have come to bring you salvation! Standing for 8 hours a day is dangerous to your health! Sleeping all day causes obesity! Sitting has been known to cause heart attacks! Therefore, there is only one clear truth! Everyone should just die!"
"Pete! Did you see that? Quick! You need to transform and destroy this monster before he uses the drill that will pierce the heavens!" Giselle Orchardwither shouted enthusiastically in an annoyingly cute voice from within Pete Robinson's head.
Pete grasped the Red One Changer which he had turned into a very gaudy-looking necklace and raised it towards the sky.
"Transform! Paragon of Justice… Crimson Ranger!"
A reddish light engulfed Pete and he began twirling around like a ballerina while defying gravity as his clothes magically ripped away to be replaced by the trademark embarrassing spandex and motorcycle helmet of the Crimson Ranger!
"Hah!" Pete did a pseudo martial arts pose and tried his best to look cool as the transformation sequence ended, but in truth, he looked like a skinny loser otaku in tight-fitting spandex with his big brother's motorcycle helmet on.
"Nice pose, Crimson Ranger. You one fly mofo now!" Giselle Orchardwither said in a sarcastic tone, which in turn caused Pete to sweat profusely in embarrassment from within his tight-fitting spandex outfit.
"You there! Stop wreaking havoc and prepare to face your doom, Iron Gearhead!" The Crimson Ranger cried out in a heroic voice.
"In my defense, I haven't done anything yet, though." Iron Gearhead responded.
This was followed by an awkward silence as both Giselle Orchardwither and the Crimson Ranger realized that Iron Gearhead was in fact, correct.
"Shut up! I'm taking you down anyway, because you have such a lame costume!"
And with that, the Crimson Ranger shattered the deadly silence and dashed straight at Iron Gearhead to deliver a heroic beatdown upon the villain using his pwnage powers.
Iron Gearbox did not show any inclination to dodge as the Crimson Ranger closed the gap with incredible speed that was approximately 5 times the speed of sound. Quite a step down from the near light speeds that Giselle Orchardwither could achieve, but Pete was still a rookie Crimson Ranger after all.
Suddenly, the Crimson Ranger found himself flat on the floor from a simple maneuver performed by Iron Gearhead.
"What was that? Some kind of Judo?" Pete asked of no one in particular.
"It is called CQC. A basic form of…" but Pete interrupted Iron Gearbox before he could finish his reply.
"Shut up! Or we'll get sued for copyright infringement!"
The two warriors sized up each other and squared off. They traded blows… but none of these blows were committed as they were merely feints used to gauge the others' abilities. It seemed as if they were dead even.
"You know what? Screw it… I'm goin all out, baby!"
Without warning, the Crimson Ranger jumped back several meters and brandished an oversized laser cannon from out of hammerspace!
"I'mma firin mah lazors! Crimson Death Ray!"
The attack was so obvious that Iron Gearbox merely sidestepped the laser, which was a one-shot weapon, by the way. The beam penetrated several meters into the buildings right behind Iron Gearbox causing the death of hundreds of people… fortunately, the beam's pwnage powers were so intense that the victims were instantly spaghettified and then subsequently incinerated in a quick and painless death.
Naturally, the Crimson Ranger was quite oblivious to the mass murder that he had just accidentally perpetrated.
Sensing victory, Iron Gearbox whipped out his noble phantasm, the W.M.D. a fortress destroyer noble phantasm that causes widespread destruction contained within a reality marble. Iron Gearbox needed a mere 3 seconds of concentration to focus and call out his deadliest weapon!
At that moment, Francheska, the neighborhood stray Dalmatian half-breed chose to use Iron Gearbox as her personal fire hydrant.
Iron Gearbox kicked poor Francheska in the stomach, which caused unintentional abortion since she was actually 4 months pregnant.
"Stupid dog! You ruined my concentration."
Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a dark figure descended and hit Iron Gearbox in the face with an open palm strike… a deadly maneuver known as The Bitchslap, which would have floored a lesser opponent.
"What the… who…"
But before he could finish, the mysterious figure, who was clad in animal hide with a matching horned goat mask, delivered a combination of deadly strikes on Iron Gearbox with peak-human level accuracy.
"I'm Baphomet, upholder of LGBT and animal rights… repent for your sins or I shall punish you."
Baphomet grabbed Iron Gearbox in a triangle chokehold and promptly tore off his head… which was nothing more than a giant gearbox, as previously mentioned, thus proving the effectiveness of MMA maneuvers to naysayers the world over.
"OMG! You killed him!" The Crimson Ranger cried out in shock.
"Hmph! I merely gave him the same treatment that he gave Francheska's unborn children!"
"What are you talking about? That man was… a man. Now he'll never talk again, have children, make out with hot girls… not that he had much of a chance in the first place but still…"
"Uh… Pete… lay off the melodrama will ya?" Giselle Orchardwither chimed in.
"What are you talking about, Giselle? This is a human being we're talking about here. Up to now, I've fought against the minions of wrath because they merely mindless underlings who went 'Gi' 'Gi' 'Gi' and exploded into tiny pieces if you so much as sneezed on them, but this guy was a real human being who just lost his life."
"Chill, just watch."
No sooner had Giselle Orchardwither said this when Iron Gearbox's lifeless body dissipated into oblivion… only to be replaced by the fat middle-aged war veteran from before.
"See? When you defeat a person who has fallen to the RAGE incited by Wrath, you can kill him any way you want including torture, buttrape, bludgeoning to death with a spiky metal nail bat and he will always revert to his human form unharmed."
"Oooh" Pete said in amazement, "That's pretty convenient. Maybe I can ask Wrath to transform that bully from middle school."
"I daresay!" Baphomet suddenly interrupted Pete's monologue, since after all, Giselle Orchardwither was nothing more than the voice inside his head.
"Let me ask you this, Crimson Ranger! Do you eat hot dogs?"
The question totally baffled the Crimson Ranger, but he chose to answer honestly.
"Well, I don't dislike them."
Yes, Pete Robinson is a master of noncommittal responses.
"Hmm… I see… an excellent response. After all, it's not like I'm a close-minded vegetarian who thinks people who eat hot dogs are Satanists. Very well, Crimson Ranger. We shall meet again and by that time, I hope you have relinquished your devilish meat-eating ways… after all, how can your hamburger tell you not to eat her children?"
"Uh… I don't get it."
"Look, over there! It's Tara Strong!"
But as soon as the Crimson Ranger turned his head, Tara Strong was not there! … and neither was Baphomet, for he had mysteriously vanished into the shadows.
"Wow! Did you see that, Giselle? He disappeared! Poof! Just like that! What skills!"
To be continued… See you in the next episode!
Next Episode Preview: Pete discovers the joys of weekend marathon gaming! Primela starts a dressmaking business. Sheryl buys a limited edition Black Trojan oshiri mousepad. Does Pete ever get any privacy with Giselle Orchardwither in his head at every waking moment?