You are ambitious. Driven. You strive only for what you haven't achieved yet, feeding a hunger that can never be appeased. There is no mountain you won't climb to prove to the world that you are the best.
You are insatiable.
I used to be like you. I was only interested in what I could gain for myself, but never did I factor happiness into the equation of my plans. I considered it a menial property, something that I could find if I wanted it, but I needed to be successful first, and success did not include happiness.
And like you, I did not believe in love.
How could someone be so appealing to me that I would come to a screeching halt in my life, turn around, and spend the rest of my days swooning over them...just one person? Everyone around me seemed so utterly ordinary, so ridiculously bland, that I couldn't for the life of me imagine how one of them could attract me so much that I would be willing to center my life around them.
You survive in this world much easier when you're alone. Upon discovering this, I found it much easier to separate myself from other people...to distance myself from emotion and all things having to do with everyone else. I then developed a selfish, narcissistic alter-ego, but unlike most alter-egos, I showed it more often than my true self.
That's when I found you. Once I took the time to actually look at you, to make eye contact and connect...I realized that you were wearing a mask identical to my own, and beneath it was a mirror image of myself. You were just like me, but you lacked one quality that I -to this day- find to be extremely valuable.
The will to know another person.
As a narcissist, I never feel the need to make a connection, to empathize, but I know that having someone else's trust, and possessing the key to really knowing that person, is the only way one can truly succeed. With this skill, you can utilize another's talents or, if necessary, tear them down and get ahead.
You did not value this ability as I did. I learned how to read people, and you never bothered. That's how you were able to look right through me...not even realizing that because of our similarities, you were able to understand me more than almost anyone else. As I was struggling to distinguish myself in your vision, make you see me and want to know me, you were glossing me over along with the rest of the crowd.
Despite the hate that I hold for the world, and the angst that has built inside me, despite the walls that I constructed to keep everyone out, and all the emotion in...you still managed to break through. You walked through my walls as if they were made of mist. You banished the hate, and the emotions flooded out.
And not once did you realize what you had done.
I knew that this was coming for me. I used to joke about how God was planning to teach me a lesson for mocking his gift of a human's unconditional love for another. I even went to a fortune teller once; she told me that I would be punished for the ice in my heart. She said that one day I would understand love, and it would be the death of me.
Then I had only laughed, but now I writhe in agony.
Because you are as cold and merciless as I am. You are as cruel as I have been to everyone around me from the day I discovered my capacity for committing sin, and the ability to write words in acid and burn them into the minds of others.
I thought this would be a game, and you have made it so. The only way to win is to never fall for your opponent, and you are winning. What you suffer for losing is pain and a hole in your chest where your heart used to be.
I am losing this game, because I made the mistake of falling in love with you.
I felt it that night at our high school football game. The night I flirted with an anonymous boy, saying meaningless words, and toying with his brain. It was then that I looked up and saw you as if I was seeing you for the first time. That night, I fell into a hole that I hadn't even known I'd been digging...a hole that I will never climb out of.
Some people fall into a tunnel, and they are led by the one that loves them back.
But you will never love me back, and I will always be stuck in this hole with no one to lead me, not even a voice from above, calling for me. No matter how many people I meet in my lifetime, no matter who I am with, I will be alone because you're not there.
Even though there's a cord that connects us, a hopeless, painful link that pulls me to you, you will never feel it, nor will you care to look for it. And even though my heart is in your hands, and I am not able to take it back from you, you'll never understand why I feel the way I do.
So now you're gone. Somewhere in the world, living a life that was planned for you. Perhaps one day you'll suffer a hell like mine, because God doesn't let people like us ruin ourselves the way we do. Although you don't know it, you took my affections with you.
There are still walls inside me, guarding something that isn't there.