It's not enough
"It was just… I loved her and that was the only thing that I lived for." I excused myself from the table and locked myself in my room, wrapped in my sadness.
After everything that happened, it seemed like on the surface everything was the same but I knew it wasn't and will never be. I remembered the excruciating Monday going back to school, trying to stay in my bed and wrap myself in sorrow but I couldn't. What happened to the same Armando that was bold and confident? The same Armando who could look fear in the eyes without flinching? I didn't feel like myself at all, and I knew if I didn't face it head on that the pain would further lacerate in my heart. Despite my feelings of gloom it was a warm sunny day outside, as the chilly October air stung my cheeks. My mother already left early for work since she was a nurse and worked a long shift, something that caused her to be home less on the weekdays except for Fridays. Warming up my car, I back out of the driveway and drive towards school, my thoughts farther away as I got closer and closer to school. Up ahead I saw flocks of students walking towards the front entrance and the typical banter between acquaintances and friends. The sight of it stirred pain within my heart, but I immediately disregarded it, getting out of my car and speed walking towards school. I wasn't in a hurry; I just wanted to get the day over with already.
"Armando, wait up!" I heard Chris yell from behind me, catching up to match my strides. A pearly white smile was on his beige toned face as we walked together. Chris was athletic like me and played football, basketball and lacrosse. We've been friends since elementary school and I considered him my other best friend besides Marco. I felt my blood boil thinking about Marco, but I noticed that Chris had a worried expression on his face and said,
"Armando are you okay?"
"Yeah I'm good." I said, not bothering to plaster a fake smile on my face. As we enter the school most of the girls glanced in our direction and some looked star struck. Honestly, I didn't understand why girls went after athletic guys. I admit that I find myself quite attractive, but I would never let that get to my head. I couldn't stand shallow people, but maybe I'm being a hypocrite because Liliana was very shallow.
"I bet you I can guess how many girls literally glance in our direction." Chris said with a cocky smile but I just shrugged and said,
"What's the difference anyway? All girls are the same. "I said, opening my locker and then muttering a curse when it wouldn't open. Kicking my locker, I lean my head against it, squeezing the bridge of my nose with my forefingers.
"Yeah man, you're probably right about girls but that's what makes it fun right? "He laughed to himself and I couldn't help but roll my eyes and smile. As soon as we left our locker I heard my name being called,
"Armando!" It was Liliana, her face flushed from the brisk weather and her eyes watery. She ran to meet up with Chris and me but I instantaneously sped walked down the hall having Chris calling after me. Suddenly all the bottled up feelings came stumbling back and it was hard to ignore it. The bell rang signaling first period and since I didn't have a first or second period I resorted to the library.
The aroma of coffee and paperback books filled my nose as I signed myself in and resorted to a table in the far corner of the library near the bibliography section. I could feel my throat burning and tears well up in my eyes but instead of crying, I shut my eyes and layed my head on the table, trying to block out the pain. Once I could feel as though I could breathe again I felt a small weight being lifted off my chest. Suddenly the opening of the library door made my head turn to see Kiva, one of my classmates. She greeted the librarian with a timid smile and signed in, her brown eyes bright and warm. I only knew of her because she played the flute in orchestra and was also in my English class. We never spoke to each other, but sometimes I would glance in her direction out of mere curiosity. She was one of those girls who stood out, but in a meek quiet manner. She met my gaze and headed straight in my direction, almost unsure if it was the right thing.
"Hey Armando, you're in my English class right?" I nodded, focusing my attention fully on her. She wore a mustard colored sweater and dark jeans and brown boots. The deep yellow of her sweater accented the yellow undertones in her warm light brown skin, making it glow. Her dark medium length hair was pulled into a ponytail, exposing her oval shaped face. I realized I was rudely staring at her and I cleared my throat.
"Yeah, I'm in your class." I said simply. Pulling up a chair across from me she let out a sigh of relief.
"Thank goodness! I can't believe Mr. Pittman is going to give us a quiz on Macbeth! Most of the time I used spark notes for it. Do you understand any of it?" she says, glancing up from her notebook and meeting my gaze.
"Uh, yeah I do since I've read Macbeth before. If you'd like, you can study from my notes." I said, suddenly getting out my spiral notebook and placing it in front of her. A concerned expression crossed her face as she said,
"But don't you need it to? I don't want to feel like I'm imposing on you at all." I shook my head and said,
"No, not really. Since you've just reminded me that we have a quiz, how about we study together? Because I know for sure third period there will is no way he'll give us time to study." She nodded suddenly hesitant before asking,
"I know it's really not any of my business, but I was wondering if you're okay. You seem a little down today." Her statement caught me by surprise as I gazed at her. I didn't think I was being so obvious.
"I'm sorry, I'm being nosy. It's not my business really." Throwing an apologetic smile, she suddenly gets up and was about to leave the table but I impulsively grab her wrist, causing her to stop in her tracks. I could feel her pulse racing rapidly under my grasp.
"Sorry, I just figured that it's better if we study together to get it over with, don't you think so?" She turned and faced me and sat down nodding in agreement. I didn't know what came over me to do that.
"You're right, but you don't have to apologize to me." She gave me a reassuring smile as she reached out a placed her hand over mine in reassurance.
Two periods flew by as we quizzed each other on the information from the text, sorely focusing on trying to get the study guide done.
The bell announcing the beginning of second period rang and we gathered our things and headed to third period together. I was in a hurry to get to English class knowing Liliana walked directly the same path. As soon as I saw a pair of familiar gray eyes I put my hand on the small of Kiva's back ushering us closer to the classroom.
"What's the rush?" She asked suddenly confused but I said,
"I just want to get the quiz over with, don't you?" We get to the classroom first and we take our seats on the opposite sides on the classroom as students scattered in one by one.
As the test began I glanced over in Kiva's direction and she met my gaze smiling before gazing back at her test.
The bell rang ending third period.
"Okay everyone hand in your tests and make sure to write down the homework assignment on the board for tomorrow. If you didn't finish your test than I suggest you come afterschool and finish it." I hand in my test at the same moment as Kiva and we both leave the classroom.
"How do you think you did?" I asked her.
"I think I did pretty well, but it was really your notes that helped me. Being a lefty and all my handwriting even confuses me sometimes when I read my notes. "
"No really, I appreciate it so if there's anything you need, I'll return the favor." As soon as I was about to respond Liliana comes up to both of us, her icy gray glare piercing.
"I'll see you later, Armando." Kiva said, noticing the tension between Liliana and me. Liliana stares me down as she says,
"Why are you avoiding me?" I had the urge the curse her out, but I didn't. I couldn't believe she had the nerve to come and tell me this after everything that's happened.
I just blankly stared at her and said
"There's nothing to say to you after I caught you playing tonsil hockey with my best friend. By the way, where is Marco? Shouldn't be here with you?" When she didn't respond I suddenly felt all the pain harboring inside me being let out.
"Tell me Lily! After everything we've been through, you just throw it away! For What! Tell me what Marco had that I didn't! I never once cheated on you, even when other girls where around you were the only one I thought about.
Wasn't that enough! I cared about you, I love you and I still do! I don't want to but I do okay! What more do you expect from me god damnit Lily! "A few students stopped to watch our argument but I didn't care. I was fuming and I waited for an explanation.
"Marco just understood me more! You not even once had to listen to what I was saying! Everything was about you! You thought everything was fine but did you know that I was depressed? Did you know that my parents are getting a divorce and I'm going to live with my mother in Florida who I hadn't seen since I was four! Tell me how I am supposed to feel about that! Why did you think everything was okay? Didn't you see I was hurting?" She said as tears cascaded down her face.
"I know what I did was wrong but Marco really helped me pull through so please don't be mad, you won't ever have to speak to me again, I just wanted to let you know that I did love you." She walked away and waiting for her at her locker was Marco who I merely acknowledged and brushed passed. I could hear her sobs at the end of the hallway but I didn't care. Pain was pain and even though a small part of me felt remorse, I was still enraged.
Lunch came around and I wasn't at all hungry, the thought of food made me nauseous as I watched people scarf down food.
"Do you want your cheeseburger?" Chris said, in between bites of his fries. Although he was sinewy, Chris could eat ten times more than me and had the metabolism most girls wanted. I pushed aside my uneaten cafeteria food and gave it to him and drank my water, wishing the day would move quicker.
The loud banter of my table caused my ears to ring, watching as my friends talked animatedly about the upcoming football game.
I sat at the table with the majority of my football team with the exception of Marco who was sitting with Liliana a few tables down.
News spread like wildfire and the entire school knew of our breakup, but without the reason why believing that I broke her heart and she resorted to Marco for comfort. The sight of both of them filled my heart with disdain, as averted my gaze from them, staring down at the table.
"I just had to say I'm really sorry about the breakup with Lily, I know she meant the world to you. I'm not really good at these emotional talks, but I just wanted to let you know there are other girls." Chris said, suddenly putting down his food and casting his dark hazel eyes in my direction, filled with sincerity.
"Thanks I really appreciate that man." I said and he nodded .
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Kiva and she was talking amongst her small groups of friends, engaged in her conversation. I found myself taking notice of her and Chris said,
"Looks to me like you already have your eyes set on someone." I shrugged and said,
"Maybe I do ."
" Kiva's definitely a catch. If I was more of a boyfriend kind of guy, I would of hooked up with her and it would have been a wrap." She met my gaze and smiled and I smiled back.
" I doubt that man, she doesn't go for arrogant guys like you." I joked and he pretended to be hurt.
" I don't consider myself arrogant, I just like to say I'm more confident than most."
"Whatever Chris, it's not even like that. "
"But hey, if you're really serious about hooking up with her, I suggest you take it slowly. I don't really know much about dating, but I know girls like her need to be convinced that you don't have an ulterior motive."
"I don't, I just think Kiva's different from other girls and seems approachable. " Although I wasn't completely healed from what Liliana did to me, I knew that moving on was better than being stuck in the past….
Hey fellow fictionpressers! I know it's been the longest time since updating but I didn't know where I wanted to go with the story so finally I have chapter three. I know it kind of seemed rushed about Armando getting over Liliana, but he's the kind of guy that moves on easier than most. The relationship between Armando and Kiva was progress and i'm in the process of writing chapter 4 so please stay tuned for more!