You and I are strangers now, but we'll soon be very good friends.

You like that woman over there, don't you? I like her too. I think she'd look great with her head bashed open and dripping like a honeydew melon on the side of the road.

Pick up the pen.

You're a rational person, aren't you? I am too. Isn't it wonderful for us that we live in a rational world? You know that whatever you do, the sky will be blue, water will be wet, and you will not be able to walk through concrete. Everything is logical. Everything, except me. I can do magical things. Would you like to see?

Say 'yes.'

Excellent. You're good at saying 'yes.' Now I want you to say 'yes' again. Great. You're a pro! One more time. That wasn't so hard, was it? Now, I want you to remember that word because you're going to be saying 'yes' to me from now on.

Pick up the pen.

Write a word. Cross it out. Write the word again and cross it out, so the first crossed-out word won't feel lonely. Write a sentence. Now cross it all out and start over.

Your Y is touching your L in the second paragraph. Also, your P is touching the R. The P can't touch the R, or the Y the L, otherwise I will kill everyone in this room. Also, you haven't closed your D and your E is crooked. Go over the letters again and fix the ones you can. The rest must be crossed out and rewritten. Bold each letter with four coats of ink.

Why did you stop?

Turn on your computer. Open Word. Use Dictionary Look-up. Find a word you like. 'Ague'? Super! That word must always be the last word you look up whenever you use an electronic dictionary. Type a paper and get to the last sentence. Backspace twice and retype the last letter and the final punctuation. Do that four times, then four more.

Let me explain.

The number of times you do what I say must come out as an even number when divided by '2' and four is the least even number 2 goes into. If you miscount, you must go up to the next number that divides evenly. If you don't, I will make you regret it.

Curse the name of someone you love. Say you take it back. "Take it back, take it back, take it back."

Three is an odd number. You must make your take-backs even, so say it again. Make that eight times. Make that four sets of four sets of four times. I promise I'll let you stop, if you take it back sixteen more times. Say it, or I will make your father bleed from the eyes and vomit his organs onto the floor.

Stop crying.

Picture someone you love getting hurt. Try to scrub the thought away. You can't. You must declare that person safe whenever I show you danger, or I will make the danger real.


Tap the lampshade. Touch the door knob. Double back and touch the lampshade two more times. Now touch the door knob three times. Flick the light switch eight times and touch the doorknob four more times. Now your hands are dirty.

Go to the sink. Use two dots of liquid soap. Touch the top of the soap bottle two times. Wash your hands. Tap the water faucet four times. Walk away and walk back. Touch the faucet four more times. Make yourself late. Make yourself crazy. Touch the faucet. Why did you stop?

Do you feel the tingle in your fingertip? That's me. I'm eating your brain. I am chewing out your memories. Soon, you will forget everyone's names. I can stop eating your brain, if you like. If you'd like me to stop, then-

Touch the faucet.

By the way, your hands are dirty again.

Pick up the pen.

Now eat some of your aunt's collard greens. Cut the collard greens into four sections. Eat the four sections, or I will make your teeth turn to chalk. I will make you wonder why you didn't just-


Pack your bags. Go on a trip. Check to see if you have your things. Check over and over. Fight me. Fail. Know that I'm going to be with you for the rest of your life.

Try to fight me three more times.


Pick up the pen.