Chapter 1: It's all got to be history now…

When someone says history, what do you think of? World history? Modern history? Ancient history? Evolution? Religious history? Wars, warcraft and development? Medicine, machines and science? All of it is history, but that's not quite what I was thinking of…

I was thinking about my own history, my personal history. Development, thoughts, feelings, actions, illnesses and memories. Good and bad. Everything that happened yesterday, last week, last month, last year, even this morning. It is all part of your personal history.

It's the things that are clear and the things that you can't just forgive and forget. That you can't believe happened years and years ago because they feel like yesterday. Those are the things that I was thinking about. I need to learn to forgive, forget and move on because it is the past that can't be change, no matter how hard I try. But we can change the future and that's all that matters. Especially when you feel like you live in a hole that you just can't get out of, no matter how hard you try. This is the truth of my life and I hope that it will help me to forgive, forget and move on…

I can remember some of the stupidest things that I have ever done. Some things that I regret but i can't move on from. Swearing, arguing, stealing, shouting… all bad and all of which I have done at some point in my life. I regret them and I want to forget, but I can't and I just don't know why. In a lot of ways, I would blame my depression. But that affects my mood rather than my ability to regret and move on. In a lot of ways, I could still blame my depression on those factors because I think that they may have been triggers. But then again, I don't know. Other memories are of my struggle to cope, my self-harm and my suicidal thoughts…

The first time I was caught swearing, I felt so shit and the shock was almost too much. I was a "good girl", I didn't say things like that… Being caught in school made it worse, I have been quite paranoid ever since, whenever people are near me. I won't openly discuss private things, because of that one memory. As stupid as it is, it probably helped to make me the person that I am now…

I have done a lot of shouting and arguing; but who hasn't? I just wish that I didn't always take everything to heart and over-react, all of the time. Now, I'm not so bothered, but I was still so young and childish…

The stealing may come as a big shock. Even now, I shock lots of people when I "acquire" this, that, or the other. I bet that you are laughing and thinking that I am a liar. You wouldn't be alone, but you are wrong. For once, this is true and that is that. I'm a thief and I know it, it's the truth and I have to live with what I have done for the rest of my life.