I enter the room, and that smell invades me. Every inch of my body shivers at the sensation it brought inside me. Her smell, it's still there! I can't believe she is gone, she is really gone! But her memory will still remain in my mind. At this exact moment, her face appears in my mind, her beautiful face, smiling at me, her curly fair hair that I loved so much. It feels so real that I want to touch it but my arms move in the air enable to reach their goal. Tears come down on my cheeks, my leg become too weak to support me and my knees finally hit the ground. I can feel my mind escaping my body until something drags me out of my thinking, or someone.
He is standing there, right in front of me, with his tall stature, looking down on me with his sad look. It makes me feel small. Then he extends, his big hand to help le stand up and fake a smile to make me feel better, which actually doesn't. He puts his arm around my shoulder and walks me out of the room, in silence. When I turn back to look at the room again, she is standing here, just next to the bed, smiling at me. My mind is playing tricks with me, but I won't play. I know she's fake but it feels so real that I want to run and hug her.
Eric is pushing me out of the room, I look at him, he still has this sad and emotionless gaze that he has had for the last few days. He shuts the door with his foot and we arrive in a corridor full of people. A universe where neither him nor I belong.
Eric and I have been best friends for twenty years now, we met in kindergarten, and never left each other since then, we used to go to the same schools until our senior year, and we even got accepted in the same University. We've shared so many memories together. Seeing all his pain today makes me feel miserable.
As we walk along the corridor, we see a couple fighting, and it makes me feel even worse. I've always hated conflict, and I've always manage to avoid it. As we keep walking I watch all those faces, faces with expression I can't describe, and I wonder what is going on in their minds. I'm still wondering what was going on in her mind when she left me. At this exact thought I'm grateful that Eric is still holding me right now, otherwise I think I would have fallen under my weakness.
The coffin is slowly lowered into the hole. And even if the sun is shining upon us, I can tell you that this day is dark. Indeed it is, I'm standing right across from Eric. He's wearing a black shier and a black suit, but the darkness doesn't come from his clothes. The darkness comes from his face, and the darkness comes from his gaze. He is staring at the coffin with such a strong gaze that I'm not sure whether it is sadness or wrath. Alex was such an amazing person and a good friend of mine. I try to remind myself of the good memories, but whatever I do I end seeing a dead body. I can't stand seeing this anymore. So I do as Eric does, I stare at the wooden coffin where Alex's dead body rests.
Eric loved Alex so much I wouldn't be able to describe it with words, it was unconditional love. Exactly the same way I love… her. There is so much pain in me right now to oppose any kind of resistance for my tears not to fall down. What's the point anyway, they would have won the fight.
I, Mary Ann Taylor, was raised to be a good child and have a successful career, but what my parents didn't expect was for me to be gay. They always thought that Eric and I would make the perfect couple, but it's not the way things happened. While growing up, we both realized that something was different, and it was as teenagers when we were around sixteen that we both came out to ourselves and each other. It's only few years later that we decided to come out to our families. I remember that day, the day my dad kicked me out of my home because I like girls. The day my mum stopped looking at me in the eyes because she didn't recognize the girl she used to love, those are her words. I wanted to yell back that nothing had changed, that I was still the same girl, the same person, and I didn't chose that for my life. But, all of this stayed in my throat as I struggled with the emotion that invaded me. I remember standing there, crying, in the middle of the drive way, watching the door of my home being closed for good. It has been three years since that day, and I still haven't gone back there. I ran away with Eric.
Today is bringing so much memories that my heart can't deal properly with all this. I seriously thought that I could be strong today, for Eric, he needs me more that I need him right now. Yes, Alex was my friend, but he was Eric's boyfriend, Eric's boyfriend who has been murdered because he was gay, because he was madly in love with my best friend. While everyone was now stepping back from the hole, Eric steps closer and drags out of his pocket a rainbow flag, the gay flag, to show our pride. Alex's mother gave him one of the darkest looks I've ever seen. Her son was murdered because of Eric, at least that what she thinks, and what she told me. He puts the multicolor flag on the top of the coffin and walks away. I remain here, staring at the flashing colors, each of them has a meaning, but I never remember them. Actually looking at this flag is making me smile, it is the first time since this morning that I've had a positive thought.
A few people come to see me and I try my best not to look too hurt, knowing they feel exactly the same way that I do.
"Send my love to Helen" one of them says.
Helen! No, Helen is gone, she left me, she took all her stuff and left few days ago without saying anything! But I simply nod to the dear gentleman. This wasn't the place to get mad or complain about my heartbroken love! It hurts though, it really hurts!
I planned my whole future with her, getting married, having kids, flying to Europe, and so many other things. I can't believe those things won't happen.
I don't know why she left, but I gave her my heart and she ran away with it. Love can hurt so much sometimes! I suppose she was scared, scared to die, but scared to lose me as well. So she decided to lose me now because it would be her choice.
I don't know why some people can't admit that our love is the same as theirs. Love is unconditional.
I'm taken out of my thinking when the flag is being covered. I watch it until every piece of the flag has disappeared. The smile on my face hasn't faded yet and the sun is still brightly shining.