Written 3/8/12

I.

Today, she fled the classroom

In a fit of tears

The silence hushed over the room, and no one spoke

You sat behind me so I could not see your face

For the first time, doubts invaded and drowned me

The black called with curling fingers

And I was afraid

My shoulders shook against my own conviction

Because I never want that to be me

II.

I am not stupid

I am not naive

I like to think I know a thing or two about this world, as I have inhabited it for nearly 17 years

As a child I used to watch Disney Classic

Something about them will always be magical

But

They informed me wrongly

I know we may not last forever

We may not last more than a couple months

The 'if' has been replaced with a 'when' in my mind

But I don't want it to

God; I want us to last forever

III.

Thinking further than I have the capacity is pointless

I don't want to think about this time next year

Or at the end of summer

Or even at the end of this year

Where we stand, no

I'd rather we take each day and not worry about where we will be in the future

I can't read the future, and neither can you

No one can

And it scares me

I don't want to loose you

IV.

This, what we have, is so different than most

I feel so vulnerable and weak

I am so accustomed to having the upper hand

Being the one less attached so

If things get to heated I can break it off

I can never get hurt

But with you

I feel that this is switched

And I have doubts

My heart is bleeding, and I can only let it at this point

V.

Silence can speak volumes

We can entertain our thoughts with mindless talking

Or play nice in front of our friends

But it's those times

In the dark

When we don't talk

When we are alone

That I feel closest to you

We are so much the same- a simple look can convey more than words ever could

We communicate on an instinctual level

Humans are natural primal beings of creation

To master this earliest form of emotion is difficult

But we have it down to an art

VI.

Music is the most beautiful thing in the world

I can compare any couple to notes

For example

The new couple- T&C- are a C and a D#. They fit together, in an almost usual way. But they are better to be played occasionally, and not together, as friends.

But T&M are a C and an E. Two components of a chord, a melody that will always fit. When they are played together the angles sing.

And our friend couple- S&D- are a high C and low C. Fitting- considering he towers like a tree and she's a little dwarf, in a physical sense. But more that they are the same note- but run on different frequencies. It is still a pleasing sound to the ear.

JS and me were a C and a C#. They may look the same- and played alone they sound fine and at first may even be pleasing. But there is an underlying bitter tone that means we can never be played together and be compatible.

And me and you? We are the hardest. It took me a long time. We are a Bb and an A#. You may look and think 'are those not the same notes?'. Precisely. We are one- as any couple should be, internally. You cannot play one without at the same time, be playing the other.

VII.

I haven't learned to love you over your imperfections

That's the reason I love you

To show that you are human

That you have feelings

The best way to describe this is the times you've gotten drunk

If even not by your own choice

It strangely sends shivers to me

Because it shows me that you can- in moments- be unsure, naughty, exposed, fragile, and unbelievably human

While I don't agree

It makes me feel more human in return

VIII.

I miss your hugs

We only have 2 days

Until a 8 day drought

Without contact

Without seeing

Without just simply being by you

I think it might be the hardest week of my life

And yet, you disappear after school

I feel conflicted with raging emotions

But I am unable to convey

You let me know how you'll miss me

So yet, that makes me smile

IX.

I always hate leaving for even a day

Things can change so much

Alliances shift

People change

Couples break up or begin

I like knowing what's happening

Even still, sometimes I never want to return

To face reality and what I hide from

To come back to bitter cold and ice

Because of you, though

I'll have a reason to come back

X.

I have never held the capacity to like someone for a short period

I have never been a girl that could like a guy for only a week

And then truthfully say she no longer cares about him

I…I feel cursed at times

I don't fall easily

But when I do, it's life changing

I liked a guy that will never give me the time of day for nearly 9 or 10 years. I just moved over him

I know you may detest hearing this, but I still have a flickering flame for G- even though it's been well over a year

So believe me when I say I will like you a long time

Hun, it's already been 6 months.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder

Words have never rung more true

One may ask, what about JS?

I never really liked him to the point of the others in the first place

So keep in mind this

When it may cross your mind to break me into a million pieces

God, I pray it never will

XI.

Harry Potter is something deeply important to me

As you know

You scoff, and good naturedly joke

It teaches good lessons, though

And I began thinking about the theory of a patronus

If I were a witch, what memory would I bring forth?

Last year- if you had asked- it may have been one with C

But that would have been a lie because I have no clear memories of his face or voice anymore

Or perhaps with ET; I could find happiness

But now, undoubtedly, you come to mind

Because every time you enter my mind, a stupid silly tingling appears

And I cannot stop the brilliant smile that stretches across my face

WRITTEN 6/14/12

XII.

I'm so goddam selfish

It's the same, each day

You overstay your curfew

And I feel awful

It's my fault really

Just as much as it ever is yours

I can see the clock; I'm not blind…I know the time

Yet I prefer to get ten more minuets of pleasure

That will undoubtedly lead to you getting in trouble

And I hate the though

Yet not enough to push you away

XIII.

They say that couples are supposed to bring out the best in each other

Yet you bring out the worst in me sometimes

The selfish, the needy, the acerbic, the abusive (not really), and the evil

Then, at other times, you bring out the lightest parts of me

The parts my family hasn't seen in such a long time

The parts I didn't know still existed

My mind goes to the first- the darker

Perhaps, it's a sign

But I'm sure I'll ignore because I love you too much to ever let you go

And that's the only certainty that I know for sure

XIV.

When I first began dating you

I didn't know where it would lead

Who would?

And there were only small feelings, small ideas, and small fantasies

But gradually they grew

And tonight, laying next to you in silence

Arms wrapped around your strong body and

My lips inches away from yours

I realized that one day we could have it all-

White picket fence, family, dog and a cat

The American Dream

These dreams are bigger than any other ambition of mine before

XV.

To be honest, the time before that when I realized this

Was at the wedding

I watched with awe

You found it boring, as a guy, which is perhaps a good thing

But for a girl, weddings are magical and beautiful

And smiling, as your sister twirled around with her new husband

I couldn't help but picture us in their spot

Or answer the questions to our life as the Dj played

The 'Newlyweds Game'

Or see the unbridled happiness on the new husband and wife's face

And smile in return

Because that's the way I look at you

XVI.

We are so young

Only 16 each

Marriage for us isn't even an idea

For at least another eight years

Kids for ten

Engagement for four

Moving in together for an undefined amount

It's such a long time, in some ways

But I suppose that if we make it until the end of high school

We're really meant to be

Your sister was only with her boyfriend for two years before they got married

We can make it longer

And it's my promise that I will be able to wait

-Maybe it's just empty words, but I like to believe that I'm better than that-

So, in eight years

Give or take

When I say 'I Do'

I'll still look at you with the same love, if changed- only intensified

As I do right now