'I don't want to die without any scars.'- Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club
22nd March 2012
A year ago I tried to kill myself. I failed.
Was it something I regret trying? Not really. I believe that regretting something you have done is pointless because there is no way of changing it.
It has been over two years since I first ever self-harmed. It was a small yet addicting cut along my wrist. In my mind it meant practically nothing; however all it took was that small cut to get me hooked. People who haven't experienced it don't understand how it mentally effects the brain. It's a bit like an alcoholic, many drink to rid themselves of the pain they feel, and for me cutting is the same. Though after a while, that small and almost insignificant cut isn't enough to mask what I felt inside. The cuts got bigger, and more frequent, it became apart of my life. I became addicted.
Sometimes people ask me about my cuts, whether I regret that I'm physically scared for life, forced to remember myself at my worst whenever I look at them. Funnily enough I don't regret them. They are apart of me and the person I have become. I am not ashamed of the person I am, so why should I be ashamed of my past? To me each scar and cut represents a story and a memory which I hold close to my heart. Each scare and cut is a battle wound reminding me of when I was at my weakest, but how strong I truly an to overcome something that made me resort to such actions.
The majority of the time that I've been cutting, suicide has also been an occasional thought in the back of my mind. Though I have discovered it takes one hell of a person to actually attempt to kill themselves. Many people can imagine themselves doing it, and may even say that they could if they wanted, but I can honestly say they wouldn't. Suicide is a big decision to make, with no guarantee that it will end the way a person wants it to. I was both lucky and unlucky. Lucky in the fact that I was given survival, but unlucky because it wasn't what I wanted.
When I didn't die I was given a chance of a new life. Given the chance of recovery and this is my story of why I took the actions I did and how I overcame everything.