Twelve Years Past

Sometimes you reach a point in a relationship where you feel like you've become so distant from your partner that you can't even tell them about your day without asking if they still love you before you start.

I must have felt that way when I spoke to Naala that day, October 2, 2007. It had been more than a month since I had actually seen her, and a couple weeks since I had stopped responding to her calls.

Want me, I wanted to say to her, Tell me you want to make this work, even if I'm difficult and unresponsive. Tell me you won't let go.

What I messaged her was quite different from my thoughts.

"Let's end this."

My provoking wasn't completely new. I was just reaching a deeper state of desperation.

I'm not sure if her response proved that she wasn't meant for me or was just life's way of slapping me in the face for being an idiot:

"End what?"

...

I couldn't place my thoughts or feelings. I just knew that an important part of my life had just been cut away, that my pride may have been the only thing that I had left and at the time, I thought it was something worth holding on to.

"Nevermind."