I couldn't take it no longer. I ran into my bedroom and slammed the door. Hurriedly, I grabbed the sketch book and slid down the wall in tears. If no one can listen, than it's me and only him that can fully understand.
"I can't see the pages.. my eyes burn from the tears spread across my face. My cheeks, they're burning red. I can just feel it.
I'm.. I'm making no sense..
That's... one of things about me you dont know... when everyone barely speaks... I fall harder into thought... and... sadness.
Today... I gave my all into hurting myself... I took a chance and the fall downstairs was because my legs hurt... I layed in bed and everytime I cried I waited and cut... skinned my knees... and now... I feel so small... I felt so blind from the world... I notced what I can do to myself and took my hand... and I did what I could to relase my pain... I want relief from being so.. small...
I gave all I had to hurt myself...
I have done it again... I have been here many times before... hurt myself again today... and... the worst part is that there is nobody else to blame but... myself... I have no worth... nothing... I have lost myself again... lost myself and I'm nowhere to be found... I thought that id might break... and I feel... unsafe... and all I need is a friend to hold me... just wrap me up... and I'm needy... I'm that alone..
I want to run... scream... so something or someone can just save me before..
I want him to love me, to adore my soul, and to never leave me. I want parents that will listen to every word and definition out of my mouth, to see my Father and actually talk to him, and to have silence and comforted. I want my old house, my old lovely room, and the air in my old house...
But my insecurities, they're so deep.. I eat too much, I cut too much, I cry too much, I'm depressed too much. I'm... screwed.
I don't know what I can say that will convince you how different I am when others are not around me.. and you'll never see me like this.
I dropped the pen. My hand wrenched with pain as I tried to get up from the floor. I slid the pad of paper underneath my mattress, and sat down. I stared off into space as I started counting the lights flickering from the window. I blinked a few times and laid back. I instantaneously felt a cold rush go through my spine. I shivered so violently that it scared me a little. I curled up close to the pillow and tried to push my thoughts out of my head. Trying to attempt something that is near impossible is not one of my best achievements so far in life.
I stared at picture on the wall and started to fall back into thought.
'That smile, what is the use in smiling in a photo? Isn't it supposed to be a memory in life you'll never forget? What if someone doesn't want to forget how upset they were? Because I'm that someone. The pain, it feeds me. I never want to forget how you left me, how I was treated, how I lost my house, and how I lost myself. Because back then, there was happiness in those moments somewhere.'
Tears welled up and started to spill onto my pillow. I watched as the water would seep in through the pillow case. Just another stain, just like another memory.
I'm Lynnette. This is my story.