Sometimes

I think of you,

Even after more than two years,

And wonder what life would be like if you had not died.

I wonder what your first word would have been

I wonder what you would have called me

And your grandmother.

I wonder if I would be where I am now,

If we had not lost you.

I wonder if he and I would still be together,

If I had not been so broken,

After hearing that you had died.

And then I wonder,

If losing you gave me the strength

To leave him behind,

Even though I loved him

More than I ever thought possible.

Even though he held me,

While I cried myself to sleep,

When you died.

I imagine how you'd be walking now.

And talking.

And running.

I imagine that we'd still be in that city,

With you and my sister.

I think losing you changed our lives.

Having known you and loved you,

Then losing you in an instant,

In a flash,

In our sleep.

That changed us.

It scarred my family.

So deeply that we may never recover.

We have healed,

At least I think so,

But we all went a little crazy.

I think it was our sorrow.

We became more focused on life,

On saving lives.

Maybe not human lives,

But life is life.

And we lost our prejudices.

I don't know why,

Or how,

But we did.

I miss you.

I think of the new life that will be part of my family soon,

And I miss you.

His name is going to be Carter.

And I'm terrified that I'm going to lose him too.

The same way I was terrified of losing Ana.

I'm afraid to see that part of my family broken, too.

They seem so callous.

They don't understand.

They didn't feel how we felt when we lost you.

They didn't know how hard it was for me to meet Ana,

After losing you.

I don't want them to understand.

But you gave the three of us strength.

You gave us the ability to accept.

You gave me determination.

I wish you had lived,

But we were changed,

In good ways,

When you did not.

We'll always love you.