Reasons Why

I can't believe it... I never thought you'd have enough guts... Not even when you were wasted out of your mind. You always said no, no matter what I said... You were to good for me. To kind and sweet... That's why I ended it... If it continued, you would have been hurt... More so than when I just ended it abruptly...

I don't know how you found out that I was screwing around with Jared just a week after we broke up... You must have gone to the bar for the first time ever... Just wanting to disappear into nothingness...

You stumbled to my door around 11 o'clock at night. I don't know why I let you in... Perhaps I knew I deserved whatever you had in store for me...

I was only half awake... You stumbled through the door and immediately rounded on me... You called me a whore. A bitch. A worthless, dirty prostitute... I didn't argue. They were true after all...

You slapped me. Grabbed my hair harshly and kissed me forcefully, opposite of your normal gentleness. I didn't mind... I was used to it. And I deserved it...

You wasted no time. You abused my body, everything balancing on a thin line of pleasure and pain. If it was another girl, it might have been simply pain. But I was trained to accept anything that was given to me...

You didn't bother with a bed. No... Not even the floor. You fucked me against the table... You lasted longer than I would have thought... You weren't a virgin as I always thought... there was another reason why you didn't take the sex I offered you... Always begged you for yet you never gave me...

You finished yourself off, got dressed, and left me to clean up the mess. I lay awake... sobbing.

In the early hours of the morning, I crawled to my bedroom, tearing open drawers. Then I found it. A small cherry maple box with a painted gold vine trim. The word 'Escape' were crudely hand-carved on the lid. My hands trembled as I opened the lid. I hadn't touched these in years, but an escape was exactly what I needed right now...

Inside, wrapped in black velvet was a loaded pistol, 15 blades, a yellow-orange container of pills labeled 'Death', and underneath, a thick coil of rope, a noose already tied at the end...

I lost track of time... by the time the sun rose, blood surrounded me. Almost every inch of my body held open slashes of red, my arm, ankle, and thighs being the worst. Derogatory words were carved in some places, others just held slashes of all angles...

Then, it all became a blur... Back to the bedroom, suddenly back in the living room, my mother's white wedding gown on me. Well, white now stained in red...

You probably saw my picture in the news. A pool of dark red staining a white wedding dress... No one really knowing her, except seeing her in clubs and the streets...

Don't cry for me, love. It was better this way... I only cause trouble and heartache. Take the box. Even the pistol, if you want it. Take everything... No one else will... Nor will they care about their disowned relative, their broken trashy old friend...