Guide for Taking Over the World
Table of Content
Chapter 1: Greeting From the author
Chapter 2: A greeting from Lucius
Chapter 3: Your "Original" Backstory
Chapter 4: This chapter has no clever name. Sorry.
Chapter 1: Greeting From the Author
Good morning. Or afternoon. Or night. Or kinda sorta evening but it's still afternoon. If you are reading this, you most likely fit into one or more of these categories:
1) Serious about taking over the world.
2) A feminist.
3) A politician.
4) Looking for a humorous novel.
5) Reading something while you poop.
6) High (Note: This is not a sandwhich.)
If you are 1, get some help, 2, go be an equalist. Feminisim is stupid, 4, gross, 3, you should totally give me a position of power, and if your 6... Ain't this trippy maaaannnn? If you're any of those, you PROBABLY shouldn't read this. If you aren't any of those, are you a lawyer? If so, i'm not breaking copyright law... IT'S PARODY! Mwahahahahaha! *Cough cough*
So, from spending hundreds of hours researching evil (And that was just from reading Wikipedia!) From this, I think i'm the prime choice for writing this guide for random hipsters who happened to pick this up for lulz. (Though your probably not going to laugh. Showing that somethings funny is too mainstream.) By the way, this book isn't telling you to kill one of the Beatles. Not even evil dislikes the Beatles. Ever wonder why all of us have at least ONE submarine with a barrel of yellow paint next to it?.. Sorry, rambling. Anyway, enjoy this guide for taking over the world. I now hand over the keyboard to Lucius Drake.
Chapter 2: A greeting from Lucius
Why hello! I have many names (The Sly Killer, Lucius the Puppy Kicker, YOU, Death, Lucius the Kitten Beater, etc.), yet you may call me Lucius. I have had very many evil accomplishments, such as inventing Jar Jar Binks, doing your mom, created the wonderful game of Stab Buggy (Only to be played by a store that sells Volkswagen Bugs) Eating the last cookie, wrote Friday, and many more. And I will be your guide. Theirs not much to say... Don't try any of this at home, if ya do, your to stupid for the court to let you sue, blah blah blah blah blah...
NOW LETS START THIS BOOK!
Chapter 3: Your "Original" backstory
Okay, look. Theirs very little new backstories for villains. Yet, one of the most important things for a A-list, A-hole villain is a backstory. Their are many ways to go for a backstory. I'll list some things you DON'T want to do for a backstory:
1) Hire George Lucas to write it. You will most likely get yourself as a whiny, weak, little biatch. He will give you a "comic relief" sidekick. And everyone, EVERYONE will hate it. Though, you'll sell MILLIONS. So it's not all bad.
2) Be honest. That wouldn't be interesting. Your big, evil bringing loss will not be interesting if it's just "Some guy in first grade took my cookie!" Or "Bein' evil looks cool."
3) "I totally got *Insert random chemical the average person knows nothing about* injected/spilled on me! Now I am evil for some reason!" No. If that happened you'd be dead. Goodness.
4) A story ripped from almost any villain from the silver age of comics that isn't around now. This is the time with stories about gorillas with ray guns on the Moon. Just let that sink in.
5) No matter how badarse you are, you are not a godlike deity. If you can not suckerpunch Superman and not be beaten to a pulp in ten minutes, this backstory is NOT for you.
Okay, now that we've struck THOSE out, lets get to things you DO want to do:
1) Your a badarse robot from the future. Your only weakness: Overloading your awesome meter.
2) Take your nemisis' backstory, copy it, and, when he started FIGHTING crime, you started PERFORMING crime!
3) Nazi. This is one of the small number of things in this book I don't condone. You jerk.
4) Your insane. What made you insane? Your amazing amount of acess to minions and weaponry.
5) Become obsessed with a religion, and then say your doing this evil for GOD!
6) Your in love with a woman BUT SHE DENIED YOU WHAAAT!
Did you pick one? Cool. Now, time for the next step...
Chapter 4: This chapter has no clever Name Or Finding a nemisis
Who should be your nemisis? They'res literally millions of heros out their. And literally millions of options! Being this book, I have to put who you shouldn't pick in list format.
1) The Goddamn Batman.
2) God like deities. After Superman punches you in the face, you'll be forgotten.
3) A character who seems to have nothing bad happen to them. They are most likely from something for kids. You embarass yourself and always lose.
4) If the character seems to be based on a fad (Rollerblading, 3D, Feminisim, etc.) You will most likely be forgotten alongside them.
Did you pick any of those guys for your nemesis? What the censorship! I directly told you NOT to do that! Go cry in a corner, then pick one of these guys. (Oh look. Another list.):
1) Yo mama. Sorry, I had to get the Yo mama joke out of the way.
1) (For real this time.) A witty teenager. You get humour while you fight, and you may have an opportunity to do some real damage. (I killed Gwen Stacy just last week!)
2) A character of normal strength. If it's a good company you're owned by, their should be a number of these.