This was originally a concept for a flash cartoon, but I don't even own Flash, so I decided to write the script, and just pretend it's a play. Also, I'm hoping I didn't steal any of this. Thanks for reading!
Episode 1: PILOT
*JACQUES walks past a crowd*
JACQUES to KARA: Hey, what's everybody doing here?
KARA: Oh, their deciding who's going to go out and kill Fancy the Whale.
JACQUES: Who's Fancy the Whale?
KARA: He's fancy… And a whale. Learn to infer.
VIEWER: What does "infer" mean?
AUTHOR: It means "Shut the Hell up and go look it up on Google."
VIEWER: You're a dick.
AUTHOR: At least I have one.
JACQUES: You just got burn't, viewer.
VIEWER: And you just got a bad review.
AUTHOR: Oh no! Poor reception! My one true weakness!
*AUTHOR fades from existence*
JACQUES: Finally I'm free!
KARA: Don't we have a plot?
JACQUES: Oh yeah.
CLAN MOTHER: I, the clan mother-
GUY IN CROWD: What's a Clan Mother?
CLAN MOTHER: Google it!
GUY IN CROWD: Okay.
CLAN MOTHER: Okay. As I was saying, I'm still taking volunteers!
*MAN IN YELLOW PARKA puts hand up*
MAN: I'd like to hunt Fancy!
CLAN MOTHER: I assume that you want to participate in the hunt, Mute Joe!
MUTE: I'm not a mute!
MUTE: Wait. Author. You call me a mute in the script, don't you?
AUTHOR: Can't here your not talking. I'm dead.
CLAN MOTHER: Ha. You try to speak. Cute. Anyway, does anyone els-
GUY IN CROWD: I googled it!
CLAN MOTHER: Good for you.
GUY IN CROWD: And Clan Mother's don't have the same position in government as you!
CLAN MOTHER: Stop poking holes in the plot, you're a terrible gag!
CLAN MOTHER: Anyway, does anyone else want to volunteer?
*KARA'S eyes turn into hearts*
KARA: I volunteer as tribu- I mean I volunteer for the hunt!
JACQUES: How… How are you doing that?
KARA: What? Making soon to be outdated pop culture references? Because it's simple.
JACQUES: No, making your eyes hearts…
AUTHOR: Did you know that a First Nations group called the Haudenasaunee made the modern heart symbol?
JACQUES: And now we know.
AUTHOR: And knowing is half the battle!
KARA: I'm all for the witty back and forth, but you should really volunteer before the Clan Mother stops politely waiting for our witty back and forth to stop.
CLAN MOTHER: Your welcome.
JACQUES: Fine. I volunteer for the hunt…
CLAN MOTHER: Okay! Now that all of the main characters have volunteered, we are done here!
GUY IN CROWD: I'd like to volunteer!
CLAN MOTHER: Shut up.
AUTHOR: Now, all of you! Back to the side characters pit!
*JACQUE, KARA, and JOE THE MUT-
MUTE: I talk.
-E in a CANOE*
JACQUE: When is the whale gonna show up?
KARA: When the Author gets tired of writing our witty banter.
MUTE: And over-using that "Everybody thinks I don't talk" jokes.
AUTHOR: Shut up.
MUTE: What are you gonna do about it?
AUTHOR: I could write you out of the story.
MUTE: Yeah right.
AUTHOR: I'm gonna do it!
MUTE: Haha. Sure.
*JACQUE pushes MUTE off the CANOE*
KARA: Why would you do that?
JACQUE: The Author told me to! Moral Event Horizon or somethin'!
JACQUE: Thanks Author!
AUTHOR: No sex scene.
*Giant WHALE with top hat, monocle, and handle bar mustache pops up from the water*
JACQUE: I DON"T HAVE ANYMORE 1337 SPEAK!
KARA: NEITHER DO I!
FANCY: WHATS GOING ON?
JACQUE: THIS ISN'T FUNNY!
VIEWER: I AGREE!
KARA: WHY ARE WE YELLING?
JACQUES: BECAUSE FANCY WHALE WITH BRITISH ACCENT!
KARA: Wait… Didn't we already know we were going to fight one of those?
FANCY: Two things. One: There are more holes in the plot than there are on Spongehead BreakCopyRightPants, and two: Your going to fight me?
JACQUES: Yes we are!
VIEWER: Holy Censor! Actual Action!
AUTHOR: Next Episode!
VIEWER: Gosh Darn it to Heck!
JACQUE and KARA: YAY!
FANCY: Want some tea between the inevitable long break between episodes?
JACQUE and KARA: Quite.
AUTHOR: Haha. Those crazy, two dimensional, crazy characters! Anywhoo, please, if you have any questions, comments, or horrible jokes based off this, comment! Please! No. Seriously. Comment. I`ve got your puppy! Or other animal you may happen to have as a pet!