There's a feeling a person gets when they know there's something wrong, but they can't do anything about it.
A feeling that makes you a little sick to your stomach and you feel like you should be frantic, but you can't really move. Not that panicking would do you any good anyway…
I imagine that it's what drowning feels like.
I used to think I felt like that all the time. The stress of school and trying to keep my social life from failing completely; it made me think that I was going to be stuck life that forever. Like happiness was artificial, and the only thing real was the need to move forward and make progress. Now I know that I wasn't familiar with the feeling. At least not as familiar with it as I am now.
My dad was diagnosed with cancer. The word "cancer" makes people cringe. When you hear it, you automatically associate it with death, and tragedy. You think of families falling apart and little kids spending years in hospitals, suffering through numerous treatments.
You sympathize with the people that have to endure it, but do you ever think it'll happen to you?
No. The answer is no. Even if it crosses your mind, or such a thing affects someone close to you, you will never be prepared to hear those words.
"They have cancer."
"You have cancer."
"I have cancer."
You don't want to hear it, but it's always there. Once it's in your life, you can't get rid of the drowning feeling. It's worse when it's not you, because you want it to be you and only you, not anyone you love.
If I could draw all of it into myself and take it far away from my family, I would gladly do so, but God doesn't work that way.
Forget about school and social life, this is what drowning feels like. This is how people fall apart.
But you can't stay like that. You can't get scared and lose yourself. People talk about strength, but no one really knows what strength is unless they have it.
I have it. I found it. Or, more accurately, it was given to me.
I hear "how are you doing?" and I know it means more than that. People shooting me sympathetic smiles in church and giving me random hugs whenever they find the opportunity. I appreciate it, I really do, but all it does is remind me that they still don't understand what I do.
Life is one big test, and we all know it. But how we go about passing it is more complicated.
This is where the strength comes in…you can't let yourself drown. You have to take a step back and subtract yourself from the equation long enough to get a good look at what's going on. You have to analyze it. Once you've run through every possible outcome and figured out the role you play, you can only go down one path, and that's the one you've already chosen.
Some people choose their path based on the love they have for the people around them. A lot of times, they choose what I chose, and that's God. You can't run away from what you choose to live by, you have to stand by it and use it to make decisions in your life.
God made me understand everything that was going on. I opened myself to Him, and He told me everything was going to be fine. I know what I heard and what it meant, and I knew that I was supposed to share it. I had to make people believe it.
They weren't words He spoke, but feelings. So when I tell people what I know, they just smile sadly and say-
"Fine could mean anything, sweetie. But I'm glad you're so strong in your faith."
I know that people don't listen to kids. Heck, even kids don't listen to kids…but it is said that God works in mysterious ways, and if those mysterious ways are using children as messengers, than people should listen. It makes no difference where it's coming from.
There's a new feeling inside me. I don't feel like I'm drowning, but I feel restrained. Like I'm supposed to be flying, but the lack of faith in the people around me is keeping me rooted to the ground. I don't feel like a teenager, and I never did. I feel like a voice that is supposed to give people something to hope for. My loved ones want me to open up, but what they don't understand is that I am as open as I can be. I'm not hiding from anything, because I have no reason to be afraid. I trust God with my dad and his health, and after speaking with Him, I know that we don't have anything to worry about. The greatest part about knowing the Lord, is knowing that no matter what happens to you, and no matter what you do wrong, God will always love you and take care of you.
When people say they love God, and that they relate him to everything in their life, I find myself questioning them. Because I've spent my entire life with the people around me saying such things, and now they're breaking apart right in front of me. They think that it's just something terrible that we have to deal with and may never get through…did no one even consider that it's a trial? A simple test of faith that you can't possibly pass by burying yourself in worry and guilt. These sorts of test are supposed to make people stronger. They're supposed to make you praise the Lord and rejoice in your love for God and all your brothers and sisters. But instead of doing that, we're all just pining away miserably at pointless activities that do nothing for our faith and love, pitying ourselves and hoping that someone will help us or bring us out of it.
I used to suggest the trial theory to people to plant the seed of thought, and maybe it will grow in their minds and put them at ease, even if they don't fully understand or believe it. Now I preach it. I know what God wanted from me. I may be a kid, and I may be notorious for being disconnected from my emotions, but I have the ability to make people understand things.
In school, I'm called a "persuasive writer". Amongst my peers, I'm known as a good liar with a quick tongue. But God knows that beyond this, I can make people believe. Believing is something that not many people these days know how to do. I suppose if anyone can promote belief, it would be me.
I walked into church one Sunday morning and felt the Lord tell me exactly what I'd been praying for. But there is only one reason why He would choose to tell me alone. I have to make the people around me understand what I know. They have to overcome the fear of the unknown, and accept that God has planned our entire lives. They have to give up the sought after control of their own fates for their love for God.
And I have my own journey to make, too. I have to learn how to turn the words I write on paper into words you can hear and see in my eyes and my expression. I can't just weave words on paper with my invisible silver tongue, this time I'll have to open my mouth and speak.