He's Goneā€¦

By: Lilac Swan Riddle

'Hangovers fucking suck' That's the first thought of my morning. I'm lying in bed, curled into a tight ball beneath mounds of blankets, and my head is pounding. For a few minutes I simply lay there, not wanting to get up and face another day. They're all the same now anyways. Finally, as the clock hits nine in the morning, I sit up and begin pulling myself out of bed. It takes ten minutes to pull on my sweats and another twenty to find a baggy t-shirt to throw on. I'm slower than normal today, on purpose. I don't want to go upstairs, to face the pity on my best friend's face. I don't want to watch them walk on eggshells around me, fearing my every move. At some point during the day someone will let his name slip and the tears will come, though I'll try to stop them. They'll try to comfort me the best they can but it'll only make me angry. I don't want to face this day, don't want to face the agony it'll bring.

When I finally get upstairs they stop talking in the middle of what looks like an intense conversation. Jessie looks up, her eyes meeting mine, and I give an unconvincing half smile as I head into the bathroom. I can hear them talking again, in hushed tones. His name keeps popping up, usually in Julian's angry whispered voice. I sigh, leaning against the bathroom door. Tears sting my eyes but I force them back, not wanting to cry just yet. There's the whole day for that. I try to be quick in the bathroom this morning, not wanting them to suspect the small cuts that are rapidly filling my legs. When I come out a few minutes later Jess is waiting on the couch with a coke and toast. I shove the food aside as my stomach churns. Food isn't the best idea. Of course, getting drunk three nights in a row isn't either but who cares anymore? I was only trying to clean my act up for him and now he's walked away again there's no point. It's easy, safe, and above all refreshing to fall back into old habits. The cuts on my legs, the bottle of coconut rum in the fridge were just the beginning. It would probably get worse from here but I didn't have the strength to care anymore. By next month I'd be barely making it through the days again and no one would notice. I don't want them to notice. I want them to think I'm fine. It's a lie but I don't really care.

After a few hours of mindless conversation and boring movies Jessie leads me over to the computer. She asks if I can handle deleting his pictures and I nod, knowing I can't handle it but not wanting to say that. It's bad enough that I'm weak I don't need to admit it. I pull up the folder with the pictures in it and take a minute to stare at them. Tears blur my vision but I don't stop them, not this time. Even as I run from the room, back down to my room where I can fall apart on my own, I can see his smile imprinted in my mind and I want to scream. I shut the door behind me and barely make it to the middle of my bedroom floor as my knees give way. There's a pillow there, I threw it last night before I passed out, and I clutch it weakly as I sob. The sobs are loud this time, almost screams muffled in the pillow. I want to stop, to smile again, but I can't. His picture is still in the back of my mind but it's replaced now, replaced with the made up image of him wrapped around another girl. More tears come and I think I'll stop breathing if I don't quit soon. My throat hurts and I want to stop. I want to stop.

It seems like hours pass before the door opens. Julian's voice is a whisper as he drops down behind me, pulling me against him. I know he's only trying to help but his arms feel wrong around me. His arms aren't the ones I want and suddenly that image flashes in my mind again, this time accompanied by the smile I fell in love with. I sob again, my throat feeling like sandpaper has been scratching at it. It hurts, God it hurts. I can't breathe and I don't want to anymore. I want to not exist, to have never existed at all. No, I want him back, I want to stop hurting. My thoughts are jumbled, soon passing into blackness as I fall asleep in Julian's arms, sobbing still.

Author's Note: This is an actual event, hence the reason I never say his name. I'm not exactly sure why I wrote it, just to get it out maybe I dunno. Why I'm posting it I have no fucking clue but it's the best writing I've done since we broke up so I figured it was worth it.

Lilac Swan Riddle