i've turned it over so many times in
my brain, dripping with statistics & logistics,
with free verse & curse words.

but to say it aloud - ? a whole new
impossibility.

before tonight, i never knew that
such a simple sentence
could literally stick in my throat;
could be the heaviest weight,
curdling within me, refusing to
leave my tongue, no matter how
i tried to push it away.

& when i finally said it,
i cried. i never thought i would cry.
only a few short sobs, to be sure;
but the tears were there, all the same.

after so long, so many poems & nightmares
& journal entries, centering around this
desperate, tragic piece of my life

so long, & i still cried.

- maybe i'm a real girl after all;