Hey, guys. I'm still here, you know.

Just waiting it out. I mean, I'm sure we can work this out eventually, right?


Hey Neil,

Hey, man. I thought you were a pretty cool guy. I still do. But maybe you could cut me some slack? I can act more like a planet, if you want. Would that help?

Hoping we can work through this together,


An asteroid came by today, said it was headed for Earth. Said it would send news back this way if it could. Yay.

Dear Neil,

I was thinking about it last night, and I came to the realization that we've never actually spoken before. Think you could come out here (I realize it's a long drive, but I could pay for gas), so that we could re-evaluate my contract? This one's starting to make me wonder.

Hope to see you soon,


The asteroid never sent news.

Dear Neil deGrass Tyson,

It's me again. It's awfully cold and dark out here. I mean, it always was, of course, but now it's especially cold and dark, since none of the other planets will talk to me.

Starting to lose hope,


Neptune started speaking to me again today.

It made fun of me for being a dwarf planet.

Dear Dr. Tyson,

I've been thinking about your classification of me as a "dwarf planet", and I've come to the conclusion that it's discriminatory and, to be honest, hurtful. Unless I hear from you shortly, expect our lawyers to be in touch.



I spoke to my lawyer the next day. He told me that none of Earth's legal systems would recognize my case because I wasn't human.

Get your shit together, Earth.

Dr. Tyson,

Never mind.


I spoke to some passing asteroids. They were frustrated by Earth's primitive legal system, too. Apparently, the Earth insists it's not liable for any damage done to asteroids when Earth gets in the way of their flight plans.

God damn it, Earth. I hope you treat your own people better than you do the rest of the universe.

To whom it may concern:

You all suck.

Much hatred toward you,


Some more asteroids passed by. They brought some comets with them. Everyone seems to have issues with the Earth these days. I'm thinking it's about time someone take a stand, and let Earth know it's not boss.

Honestly, I've never met another planet with such a fucking superiority complex. Even Jupiter, who could swallow Earth in one bite, never gets this bad even on his worst days.

Dr. Tyson,

I loathe your very existence. How dare you? What gives you the right to decide who in the universe is a planet, and who's not? I've met more planets than you have, mister, and let me tell you, they are ten times the man you could ever be.


I received a letter today from some goddamn stupid teenager on Earth telling me "It's okay Pluto; I'm not a planet, either."

Fucking right you're not, you two-faced, loping ape-child.

Dear Earth,

I'm declaring war. It's you against the universe. The asteroids should be arriving any day now. We'll see who's not liable this time.

I look forward to watching your planet die slowly and ear-splittingly painfully,


Dear Pile of Space Junk That Used To Be Earth,

It's okay, Earth. I'm not a planet either.

Welcome to Hell,


I recently attended the Kenyon Review Young Writers Workshop, and this was born out of a prompt from my genre workshop, to write a piece from the perspective of a place.