The voice rang through my tears, chiding me. I wish it would be quiet, but only because I knew it was the truth.
A sick excuse for a human being.
The tears overflowed again, another wave pushing sobs from my body. I cried into my pillow, the soft cushion muffling my sobs. But it didn't quiet the voice, which continued.
An abomination. You dare call yourself a human?
The darkness that had been following me, creeping over me, steadily getting closer, had suddenly enveloped me. All I could feel was self-hate, all I could hear was the voice and my own sobs, all I could see was darkness. Darkness that would not lift.
You are worse than scum. You are a traitor to mankind.
Why was I doing this to myself? Why couldn't I think straight, why couldn't I lift the darkness? Why was it that I felt so powerless, so useless, so...afraid? So paralyzed with fear that my own body could no longer sob, just lay and let myself be surrounded by darkness.
You don't deserve the air you breathe.
My heart rate quickened, and I slowly opened my eyes. I felt like I wasn't the one in my body, though, it was like I was watching from a camera. Watching my body stand and exit the dark room. The feeling of...detatchment did not end there. I watched as my body left the building, the darkness outside mirroring how I felt.
You don't deserve the blood in your veins.
My body walked out into the street, narrowly dodging past a vehichle that swerved, but didn't stop and continued on its path. I watched as my body walked down the sidewalk, not stopping,even when it reached the heart of the city. I suddenly realized two things.
You are not worthy of breathing air that would be better spent in a human's lungs.
The first was that I was controlling my own body. I was walking because I wanted to, not because I was being forced. The second was that I was heading straight towards a tall office building.
You don't deserve life. You deserve death.
The voice. It was getting to me, my walls having crashed down long ago. I could feel it, prodding through my memories, my thoughts. My thoughts of what made me so terrible.
Why would God even create such a monster?
It felt like an invasion, and I could do nothing to stop it. My mind was being torn apart from the inside, ripping at the seams. Everything I knew, everything I held dear to me, was taken away by the darkness. Everything that meant anything to me was taken, stolen, leaving me with only hellish thought and painful memories threatening to make me burst into tears again.
You are the reason for this. This is all your fault.
I walked through the doors of the building, no one stopping me as I began to ascend the stairs. Stairs that lead to the roof.
It's your fault. It's your fault, it's because of all the terrible things you thought, you did, you wanted to do. This is your fault. It's YOURS.
I didn't stumble as I climbed, until I reached the roof. I still felt like the body that looked like me didn't belong to me, it belonged to the darkness now. The darkness spurred me on, directing my legs where to go. I was like a remote-control toy, and that horrible, truthful darkness was the one holding the controller.
You don't deserve the heart that's beating in your chest. You deserve pain and suffering. It's your fault, it's your fault that you are so inpure.
It was eating me away, from the inside, and soon I would be nothing but an empty shell. No spirit, no soul.
That's right. No soul, because you don't deserve one. I will take it away from you, and give it to someone who is pure, someone who has earned it or will earn it. Someone human, someone who deserves it.
I had reached the roof, the darkness blinding me. I couldn't see a thing, but it didn't matter. I didn't have to see to do what I knew needed to be done.
Do it. Punish yourself. That's what you deserve.
I still didn't stumble, slowly finding my way to the edge. I could feel it, even if I was so surrounded by darkness that I couldn't see it.
Do it. Do it, now.
I stepped carefully up onto the ledge, my heart racing.
You don't deserve that heartbeat. Get rid of it. Punish yourself. Give yourself the only thing you deserve.
I was fifty stories up. The ground was so far away. So dark.
Darkness is what you deserve. Do it. Do it NOW.
And without another thought, I jumped.