Chapter 01: Lament of the Senior Year Geek

The worst thing about being a geek is the girls. Or, rather, the lack of them. I didn't worry much about dating in high school until it dawned on me that even someone as indifferent to the charms of the opposite sex as me would need a date to show his face at the senior prom. Being one of the academic crowd put me pretty much at the bottom of the social pecking order. Being on the school chess team was the coup de grace. In searching for a date, I resolved to ask only the smart girls for dates - the ones that most of the rest of the guys were afraid of. Glasses, retro clothes, 70s-era haircuts, I ignored it all. The smart girls in the school all seemed to look more or less like librarians, except for the two or three supersmart bohemian girls who walked around in tank tops, blue jeans, and sandals. I decided to ask those girls first.

Darlene, third on grade point average lists, straggly brunette hair, average nondescript face which had the blessing of being unblemished, and a nearly emaciated figure complete with flat-as-a-plank chest made an uninviting prospect. I don't think she had ever been asked for a date, so I saw her as a realistic possibility. When I approached her, she just gave me a quizzical look, and asked, "Do I know you?" I fled. She had been in half of my classes for tenth and eleventh grades, and was in one of my classes now. She claimed not to know me. Why bother? I knew a get-lost look when I got it. Just as well, I didn't find her particularly appealing.

Cindy, a blond-haired girl with a moderately pretty face and an astronomical I.Q. Smarter than me, I was sure. She was best known for wearing falsies which gave her torpedo breasts. She was somewhere on the border between chubby and fat. I used to wonder if the reports that her boobs were strap-ons were real. After all, wouldn't a fat girl not really need fake boobs? Cindy was friendly and polite to me when I asked, but it turned out that she already had a date. A short, skinny nerd had asked her and she had accepted. She said she figured that she had better accept as she was not likely to get another offer. "Boys don't exactly line up to ask fat girls for dates," she said. I was startled at her frank description of herself, but Cindy seemed to lack embarrassment about her body. When she walked away, I noticed that her butt stuck out like Kitty Russell's bustle on Gunsmoke. I didn't ask her if her boobs were real.

Pam, tall, thin, elegant, perfectly coiffed, long blond hair to the shoulders, and fourth on the grade point average lists, was the hot chick of the smart girls. No bohemian her. Nobody ever asked her for a date because she towered over all the boys except two or three of the basketball players. Pam was beautiful, I thought. Her small breasts, firm butt, and slightly rounded hips gave her the figure of a fashion model from an earlier era. I had long admired her from afar thinking that my chances were zero. When she showed up in the local pizza hang-out near the school alone, I thought it was an omen from above. I didn't even have to approach her. She saw me and sat at the table with me. I didn't waste any time asking her. "I wish you had asked me, sooner," she said. "I accepted a prom date with a basketball jock." She didn't seem happy about it. I thought about Pam spending an evening with a guy who probably had an I.Q. half of hers. I felt sorry for her. I gave her a peck on the forehead as I left. I noticed while outside that she was looking at me out the window. Maybe no prom date with Pam, but there were possibilities for the future. Yes, I admit that I would marry her in the blink of an eye if I got the chance.

Claire. The smartest girl in the school. Claire. Five feet two, eyes of blue, pretty, round, angelic face. Claire. Claire weighed around two hundred and fifty pounds. She was a horrific sight when she wore a tank top. She looked passable in an empire-waisted dress. I gritted my teeth. I thought that Claire was pretty for a fat girl. If she had weighed a hundred pounds less, I would have found her as appealing as Pam. She turned me down. No reason. I felt like a total loser. I had just been rejected by the fattest girl in the school. Claire had hips nearly equal to her height. Maybe she sensed my lack of enthusiasm. Maybe she thought I was asking her as a last resort. Maybe she had already decided not to go to the senior prom. Maybe she didn't have money for the dress. Ah, well.

There were other girls I asked. All said "No." No reason. None of them softened the blow telling me that she already had a date. I started to feel like a leper. I wasn't asking the popular girls. I knew better than to ask any of them. I had no desire to have girls laugh in my face. Trouble was, I was having girls who had never had boyfriends give me the rolling eyes treatment. After fourteen girls, I called it quits. I decided to skip the senior prom. Hell with it.