WARNING: Squirrel abuse. No squirrels were harmed in the writing of this story. Thank you. Yeah my princess is a bit of a sadist, haha!
This story is ridiculous. Literally, its RIDICULOUS. But this cliche is ridiculous, so I guess it's okay. This story is dedicated to love971 3 I love her she is awesome! K enjoy, don't forget to Rate/Review!
I felt the sun tickle my eyelids and shot up out of bed, knocking my pet squirrel into the air with my elbow. I dragged my body to the window and looked down the walls of the 100 ft high tower, my ridiculously long blonde hair trailing behind me.
"Giggles, today's the day! The sun is shining! The tank is.."
"What the hell are you talking about.." my talking squirrel muttered in his annoying high-pitched voice, glowering at me with his beady little eyes. "Quote Finding Nemo one more time and I swear to god-"
"I'm going to jump." I glanced down at the crocodile moat surrounding the bottom of my 100-foot high tower. I hope they are vegetarian.
"Yeah okay, that's also called suicide. Why are you so flipping retarded? I have more brains than you, and I'm a fucking squirrel."
I sighed, heaving a mass of blonde hair to the side so I could glare at him.
"I thought all princess's little animals are supposed to be pleasant and supportive and cute!"
"Yeah, well I thought all princesses are supposed to be pretty and tea-cup loving and singers of cheesy Disney songs! You're just ugly and have ridiculously strong and long hair. Seriously, your hair is probably made of wire. And how long is it, like 50 feet?"
"We both know I can't sing. And it's not my fault my hair is so strong and long, it's not like I have access to any scissors up here! And I AM pretty!"
Giggles flipped his bushy tail back and squeaked out a stupid little squirrel chuckle.
"Yeah. If you're pretty, I'm Lord-of-the-Universe."
"Uh...no. You're a stupid squirrel."
Giggle's fur bristled. "Take that back whore!" He jumped on my face, and I promptly grabbed his tail and swung him around a couple times like a lasso before chucking him against the wall.
I groaned. "Giggles, I hate being me."
Giggles thumped off the wall and hopped over my hair, grabbing a peanut. "Tell it to someone who cares."
"Okay. So when I was six-"
Giggles shrieked "LALALA not listening!"
"- my mom stole the evil witches hot boyfriend-"
Giggles stopped shrieking and stood up on his hind legs with interest. "Wait, I thought your mom stole the witches cabbage or something." He said, nibbling on the peanut.
"Well yeah, but honestly who would give their own daughter away for cabbage...my mom can't be that screwed up...right?"
"I'd give you away for a cabbage." I threw a pile of my hair on Giggles to shut him up.
"Anyway, my mom stole this witch's cabbage, so the witch took her child, me! Then she locked me up in this stupid tower for all eternity. To ensure that I can't leave, she gave me 50 feet of flipping hair!" I gathered my hair in my arms and threw it down in disgust. Giggles just laughed.
"Apparently, Prince Charming is supposed to come get me and kill the dragon, which will break the spell and get rid of all this damn hair. But-" I took a deep breath, leaned out the window and screamed "HE'S A LITTLE LATE!"
Giggles popped out from under my hair and twitched his nose. "You know you've told me this story over 9000 times, right?"
"Yeah but I'm so done with this! I'm tired of waiting, and waiting, and waiting!" I shrieked.
Giggles stretched his little arms. "Talk to the witch about it then."
"Oh yeah, that'll go down well. We both know she's crazy. She wants me gone as much as you do, she just designed the dumb spell so that only a "prince" can set me free and get rid of this stupid hair."
Giggles sighed. "Okay look Rapunzal, he's gonna come eventually. You're eighteen. You've been here since you were six, and you've wasted thirteen years of your life in a tower. I'VE wasted thirteen years of my life in tower!"
I picked Giggles up with both hands and squeezed him hard. "Don't complain, you would be dead if that witch didn't put a spell on you!"
Giggles choked out "I'd rather be dead than here with you, you dumb, ugly piece of .."
I threw him against the wall. "I'm going to kill Prince Charming when he gets here."
Giggles rubbed his head in pain. "Shit Rapunzal, with all your strength why don't you just kill the damn dragon yourself!"
I felt like a light bulb had just gone off in my head. I grabbed Giggles by the tail started shaking him. "My god for a squirrel I guess you are pretty smart!"
"St-st-st-oopp sh-sh-akkk-iinnggg meeeee" he gasped. I threw him over my shoulder and ran over to the window.
"Giggles I've never even seen this dragon before."
Giggles brushed imaginary dust off his fur and stood back up on his hind legs. "Oh, he's out there. You just need to lure him out."
An evil idea formed in my mind, and I gave Giggles an impish grin.
"Oh...oh no way. No way. Definitely not. I will claw your eyes out I swear to God...I will...Dragon's don't eat squirrels...no really..."
Five minutes later, once I was sure that Giggles was tied to securely my hair, I tossed him out the window and watched him plummet to the ground.
"YOU DAUGHTER OF A MOTHERLESS PIG! YOU SCUM ON THE BOTTOM OF MY TAIL! YOU COW TURD! YOU TOENAIL DIRT! YOU ROTTEN NUT! YOU FAT TUB OF GOO! YOU SWEAT ON A MONKEYS BALLS. YOU..AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
I tugged on my hair, and he stopped right before hitting the water.
"Hey...don't squirm they might be hungry!" I called down.
"Rapunzal, Rapunzal will you PLEASE let up your freaking hair before I crap all over it!" he squeaked up at me.
"Uh...no. Squirrel crap is small anyway. Now call the dragon!"
"Yeah, I'd rather eat a rotten acorn!"
I lowered my hair a little further, enjoying the sound of Giggle's panicked voice. "Wait wait wait I surrender WILL YOU STOP LOWERING YOUR STUPID HAIR?"
"Call him!" I yelled down.
Giggles squirmed a bit, but said nothing. I sighed. Why did I always have to take things into my own hands?
I opened my mouth and screamed "Hey you ugly dragon! I have a snack for you!"
Giggles squeaked below, but other than that there was no sound. The surrounding mountains loomed tall over the tower, and the cool air was absolutely silent.
A roar resounded through the air, and Giggles began to writhe.
"O shit shit shit now look what you've done he's gonna eat me, is this how you treat you're companion of 13 years you sadist shit shit-" Giggles screeched. I pulled him up and he scrambled through the window.
"Oh god, now he's coming, now he's coming..."
I leaned further out the window. "Giggles, I really don't see-"
Just then, there was a huge rumble and powder fell from the ceiling as the stone cracked above me. I looked up just in time to see a dragon tail slice clean through pointed ceiling of my tower.
"Ohhhh myyy god" Giggles cried, his teeth chattering as he cowered on my shoulder.
I slapped him. "Will you stop being such a baby!"
"A baby! I'm a fucking squirrel, I hide in trees! I can't deal with confrontation!"
A great woosh of air blew my pile of hair backwards as the dragon flapped his large wings and landed on the edge of the ruined wall.
Giggles shrieked again. "Yeah that's right, admire the thing that's going to eat us you dumb stupid-"
I grabbed Giggles by the tail and held him upside down. "I should have gotten a pet dragon, squirrels are useless!"
The dragon continued to sit on the wall and observe me as I yelled and manhandled Giggles. He (I think it was a he) was really a beautiful animal.
His scales were a blue-green, and sparkled like fairy dust. He was at least 20 feet tall, and had a long tail complete with sharp, white spikes. His face resembled that of a camel, and he had long whiskers, like a cat. A pair of red antlers stuck out of his head, and black smoke rolled out of his nostrils. His eyes were a beautiful, shimmery green.
"Okay Giggles, so what do I do now?"
Giggles groaned, flicked his ears and put his tiny hands together. "Now you should kill it! And put me down will you!"
I put Giggles back on my shoulder. "I don't have a weapon."
"You say it like I have one! Again, I'm a squirrel. Why don't you use your head for once?"
I grabbed my head, wondering what I could possible use to kill this thing. I ran my fingers through my silky blonde hair...wait, that was it!
"Giggles, I need you to tie a piece of hair around the dragons horn."
Giggles blanched. "Why me! I'm just a squirrel!"
"Will you stop saying that, no one pities you!" I quickly found the end of my long blonde hair and tied it in a knot around Giggles tail. I coiled my arm back, preparing to throw him.
"Oh my god, what the hell are you doing, NOO-"
I hurled Giggles into the air, and watched as he sailed through the sky, my blond hair flying behind him. He landed directly on the dragon's snout.
The dragon snorted, and Giggles quickly jumped up in shock. Aware of the dragon's green eyes following him, Giggles scurried across the dragon's nose and climbed atop the dragon's head, tying the hair around the antler.
The dragon lifted a clawed finger and flicked Giggles off like a bug. With a scream, Giggles flew through the air and landed with a thump on the tower wall.
I tugged the hair, making sure it was secure. With that, I began to pull.
The dragon roared in annoyance, thrashing his snout around. I pulled again.
Huge wings covered the sky as the dragon flew down towards me, his sharp teeth bared. It was now or never.
I ran towards the window, took a deep breath, and jumped into the azure blue sky, my hair flying behind me. I heard the dragon roar as he clambered behind me.
The air rushed around me as I fell, the ground getting closer and closer. And then with a jerk, I stopped. My body slammed into the stone wall and I groaned in pain. I swung in the breeze as I hung awkwardly, suspended in the air by my hair, which was still attached to the dragon.
I grinned and let out a whoop, still hanging in midair. I knew that stupid dragon would be too dumb to avoid the wall around the window!
I turned, and using my hair as rope I grappled up the wall and climbed back in through the window. Sure enough, there was the dragon in a crumpled heap, knocked out cold.
"Okay, I'm awesome."
Something squishy landed on my head. "Nice job, princess." Giggles said.
I looked around the ruined castle. The ceiling was gone; the wall the dragon had run into was beginning to crumble. The furniture was in shambles. It was pure chaos.
"Do you think the witch will care?"
"Rapunzel, in all the time you've been imprisoned we haven't heard from her once. You're just in here because of that stupid spell."
Giggles and I watched as the opposite wall slowly collapsed and crumbled into pieces, the stones falling down with a splash into the moat below. Well, at least that took care of the crocodiles.
"Do you think I can leave now? I killed the dragon, why do I still have my hair?"
Giggles shook his head. "Nope, you still need a prince. That's what the spell said anyway."
I threw my hands up. "Screw the freaking prince! I hope he dies in a hole!" I sat on the dragon and buried my face in my hair. I wanted my freedom!
"Uh...excuse me..." a nasally voice whispered
I snapped my head up. A small, chubby man was climbing out the window. He looked like a dwarf with his round pot-belly, small little dagger, and uniform green attire. His face was partially hidden in a mop of curly brown hair, and atop his head sat a small, golden crown.
"Who the hell are you?"
He shifted uncomfortable. "Uh...I'm Prince...Charming...I'm supposed to kill a...dragon?" he looked questioningly at the unconscious dragon I was sitting on.
"A little late dumbass." Giggles said.
Prince Charming glanced at Giggles, who was cackling on my shoulder.
"Talking squirrel. How'd you get up here?"
Prince Charming gestured to the window. I walked towards it and looked down.
"That...is that a ladder?"
And boy was it long. It went from the window all the way to the ground, just an endless piece of wood.
"Wait...that's why you took so long? Because you were busy making a fucking ladder?" I asked incredulously.
"Uh...yeah?" he replied sheepishly. I resisted the urge to slap his chubby face.
"Ya know, you're supposed to say 'Rapunzal Rapunzal let down your long hair'...and then you climb up it."
He gave me a quizzical look. "Why would I do that? Climbing up someone's hair is completely ridiculous."
Because making a ladder that was 100 feet tall wasn't ridiculous.
"Plus...I don't have the ab strength you know.." he blushed.
I glanced at his round belly. "Right..."
"So...I need to defeat the dragon."
I gestured at the motionless animal. "Yeah, I took care of that."
"No,no,no, I have to! I'm the prince!"
"Uh, I'd rather you don't you are going to wake-"
So, completely disregarding everything I had just said, Prince Charming pulled out his dagger and plunged the tooth-pick like weapon into the dragons toe.
Not a smart move, since the dragon woke up with wild jerk.
"What the hell!" I screamed at him.
Prince Charming looked like he was going to pee in his pants. "Oh my god...what do I do? What do I do!"
The dragon picked itself off the floor, looming above me. At its full height it was at least 10 times the size of me.
Giggles was shrieking as well, hiding behind my valiant Prince Charming. Those two made a good couple.
"Giggles, how the hell do I break this spell! The Prince is here and everything, why is my hair still so freaking long!" I yelled over the dragons roar. The dragon shook his head and extended his wings.
"What do you think stupid! Your a fucking princess, of course you have to kiss him!"
I glanced at Prince Charming, who was standing there with his legs together...wow he was actually peeing. Gross.
"Yeah, I'd rather kiss a dragon then that stupid pansy!" I yelled.
And when the dragon lunged at my face, that's just what I did. I held my small hands out in front of me, and brought my lips to his face.
The dragon froze as soon as my lips touched his smooth scales. With a burst of light, he exploded.
His scales shot outward in all directions, a glittering green rain. They glowed softly, hovering in the air momentarily. Then with a woosh they fell, littering the floor around me.
In place of the dragon was a man, lying prostrate on the ground. He got up slowly, stretching his long limbs. He was tall and muscular, and clad in some kind of green garment. When he turned his face towards mine, I gasped.
His cheekbones were high, nose straight, and his eyes were a beautiful, shimmery green. His white hair was long and tangled, and hung matted down his back and around his shoulders.
He grinned. "Why hello princess. It's so nice to finally meet you."
He got up on both feet, dusting himself off. With a powerful gait he strode towards me, stopping just inches in front of my body. He tilted my head upwards to meet his eyes, and I stared into them, mesmerized.
"Uh...did the dragon just give birth to you?"
He tilted his head back and led out a thunderous roar of laughter.
"No, that old witch hag put a spell on me as well. You just broke it."
I grimaced. "Figures...the good old kiss. So...who are..."
He grinned. "Silas Otto Von Arvel, Dragon Prince at your service princess."
He reached behind my head and ran his thumb down a strand of my long blonde hair.
I jerked away from him. "Wait a minute! If you're the Prince, why the hell is my hair still long!"
"You...I...I...need...need to kiss you!" a tiny voice whimpered behind us. Silas and I turned to look at Prince Charming, who was standing warily with his arms crossed, glaring at Silas.
Silas raised an eyebrow, clearly amused. "And you are...?"
"Prince Charming!" Prince Charming huffed, trying to suck in his plump belly but only succeeding in making it look more prominent.
Silas gave him a devious smile and turned back to me. "So Rapunzel, do you wish to kiss me...or him? I'm a Prince as well...and I think I could...satisfy you just fine"
Satisfy? Oh boy, of course I wanted to kiss this ridiculously handsome man standing in front of me! But I could only say "uhh.."
Silas grabbed my waist and pulled my flush body against his. He quickly lowered his face to mine.
"I'll take that as a yes" he whispered hotly over my lips.
I grabbed at his chest, and he crashed his lips into mine. What happened after that was, well...not G-rated.
Some of those not G-rated things include Silas's hands, which were roaming all over my body, squeezing, touching, stroking, pulling me closer. Silas's teeth, which kept nibbling at my lips, making me moan. Silas's lips, which were pressing even harder into mine, only withdrawing so he could press hot, open mouthed kisses down my jaw and collarbone and then back up to my lips.
"Well shit I've never seen porn before. Squirrel's don't really have access to that kind of stuff." We withdrew, panting. Silas's face looked flushed, and he grinned and put his arm around my waist.
I flipped Giggles off when Silas wasn't looking. Leave it to the squirrel to ruin a good moment.
"Hm...I've always preferred red-heads." I gasped in shock, hands leaving Silas to touch my hair. It was short, and ended at the top of my shoulders. Further inspection revealed that it was now a bright red color, and it actually hurt when I pulled on it.
"Oh my god...oh my god my hair!" I laughed, dizzy with happiness. I threw my arms around Silas's neck and hugged him.
"Hey...but...I...was supposed to kiss..." I heard a small voice stutter. Silas looked over my shoulder at Prince Charming.
"You're still here?" Prince Charming flushed, and began retreating back to his ladder.
I turned Silas's face back to mine. "Hey, shut up and kiss me again will ya?"
He smirked. "What happened to the typical innocent, good girl princess? I certainly wasn't expecting this."
"Hey, you get locked up in a tower till you're 18 with no female contact and let's see how horny you get! Besides, G-Rated princesses all die in the end anyway."
He wound his arms tighter around my waist, pressing his nose against mine.
"Hmm...so what kind of princess are you then? What about happy endings?"
I pressed a kiss onto his jaw, smiling to myself as he sucked in a breath.
"R-rated." I kissed the corner of his mouth and felt his heartbeat speed up. "And I think I would call this a pretty happy ending, what do you think?"
"Stop ignoring me!" Giggles whined, tugging on my leg.
I kicked him into the wall.
"I'm going to kill that stupid squirrel." I muttered over Silas's lips.
"No, because I need that R-rated happy ending. So now, you're going to kiss me. "
And that's exactly what I did. And so, Silas and I had a pretty explicit happily ever after!
So I know everyone is probably wondering about the witch, and how the hell did Rapunzal eat, and what did she do with all that time, and what if Silas is a child molester, but frankly this is a fairytale. I don't have the answers to those questions because this is a oneshot and I don't have enough plotline to answer them! Lol!
But rate/review/ask questions anyway. I'll do my best to answer...or something like that. 0_o
Go read another cliche! Thanks for reading! :D