My Life as a Tree

Author's Note: This story is one of my earlier efforts and was written around the same time as "Hotels of Outer Space" and "Discovery of the $8 Crop." Also, I'm putting this story into the fantasy section since a tree can write in it and has feelings, but it also belongs in the humor section. I'm sorry it's taken so long to publish this story, but I hope you enjoy it and please comment if you can.


Hello, I am a tree. First, let me say that I have no idea how I am writing this since I don't have arms or hands.

Anyway, I was originally a seed. A creepy dude sprinkled me with a bucket of water; I grew into a tree… blah, blah, blah, let's cut to the chase: I hate being a tree!

Kids climb up my trunk and eat my apples. I always want to grab one of my apples and throw it at them. After all, they're my apples and I should be allowed to eat them, even though I don't have a mouth.

Also, I don't have a name. I'd rather be a rock. At least they have names. One rock's name is dirt. A piece of dirt's name is rock. My next-door neighbor is a piece of lint and even he has a name: Joe the idiot!

Also, people cut down my branches! One kid cut down all of my branches once (they grew back) and I heard he used them to build a booth that sells… pencils and paper! Ahhhhh!

The only day I have off is Earth Day, in which no one bothers me, though I'm always too busy worrying they'll pull a prank on me. I can't tell you what they did to me on April fool's Day!

Then there was the time I nearly got cut down by an axe murderer. Luckily, some guy who invented a potion that shrinks people wanted him to test it out and chased him away from me.

The summer is OK and spring is too. In fall my leaves change color and are no longer boring, but they fall off! Winter is too cold, especially considering that I have no leaves.

I also grow near a stand that sells cupcakes. I hate cups and cake! One time a kid even kicked me in the roots! How much I wanted to throw a bomb at that kid!

In conclusion, it's hard being a tree. I know people need me, but no one appreciates me. So, find another tree!

The End

Second Author's Note: Let this be a lesson for you people to try and be more respectful towards trees and the environment. Thank you for reading.