Blackness came as I severed something that was important, and for a moment, or an hour, or an eternity, I wouldn't know, someone woke me from the dream like state. It had no face, no body, no physical matter, but it was someone. And it led my mind away from the black; and into some kind of place that was lit with an odd shade of purple mixed with green. This someone lead me to another someone, and suddenly, without warning, everything was empirical again. This someone that the someone had led me too was a big fat guy with a white beard.

"Yo." Said the big fat guy, obviously thinking I was impressed, which I was, but there was no need to be so egotistical.

"Hello." I replied, my voice shaking.

"Well?" He spaced his hands out in a godly manner, as if to demonstrate the entire complexity of a shifting world was all his own doing.

"Well what?" I was sat down, although I didn't remember sitting. And suddenly there was a desk and a couple of chairs, but even though I knew they weren't there a minute ago, something was telling me that they had always been there.

"I'm sure you have questions and don't worry, I've heard them all, and I have answered them all." He crossed his legs and placed his hands on his knee.

I paused for a moment. The big fat guy looked a little like the Christian description of God. White skin, white robe, white hair, white beard, white sandals. Colour did not touch him, even with the obscure lighting he shone with an inner light that hurt the space behind my eyes.

"Can I have a drink?" At such a request I freaked out a bit. Not because I had just asked the Christian God for a drink instead the meaning of life, but that I was suddenly not in pain, and my jaw was actually my jaw, all locked into place and moving. He laughed at me, in the kind of way a grandfather laughs at his grandchild when s/he asks why he looks so much like the Santa that visited that year.

"Um. Ok. I'll ask something more menial. I committed suicide, so why am I in heaven, assuming your God that is. And does this mean that Christianity is the one true religion? Because it's kind of ruining the world, and always has. Why don't you send another bastard child down there and get him to walk on water and all that crazy stuff, and then spread a message of peace and love for everyone, no matter who they are and anyone who disputes that goes into the fieriest depths of hell?"

He laughed that grandfather laugh again, which was a little annoying.

"Do you want the full explanation? It could take a while."

"How long?"

"Eternity, and then I won't have even touched on the whole Jew thing."

"Oh. Well just the first one then. Why am I here if I took my own life?"

He blinked, and intertwined his fingers, and sighed.

"Have you ever read the bible?"


"Good. I'd have to explain a lot. Basically, there's a very fine line between committing suicide and dying from self afflicted injuries. There may not seem like many, but up here there is. You're actually a special case, one we don't get every billion years. Usually when suiciders get on that brink, they want to back out because they get scared, or they suddenly realise they've left the oven on, but by then their heads already in it. You on the other hand, were perfectly ok with it, up until you saw the heathen walking away, suitcase in hand. Then you got mad. You suddenly didn't care about the fact you were three seconds away from full blown death, you wanted revenge for her betrayal. And that's why you get a hall pass."

"A what?"

"A hall pass. A temp ticket. Weeks free vacation on the island of Life. We are sending you down to earth for a week in a totally different body, but with your mind. You only have a week to find her and extract your revenge. You can kill her if you want, or torture her, or whatever, I'm not too bothered. But can you baptise her first, or during, or after. You can get ordained easily on the internet nowadays, and I like to handle the witches personally."

"So technically what I'm doing is a good thing and the will of "God" right?"


"And I wont go to hell?"


"Cool. When do I leave?"

"Now." And suddenly a lever materialised that had always been there, and God pulled on it. And I fell very hard on my arse.

I was in a graveyard.