Mr. Vegetable and Family
Dear Mr. Vegetable and family, how should I put this politely? You have done so much for me, sustain me in my time of need, nourish me with everything you have. You have given me so much of yourself, you are truly my best, closet and most dependable friend.
However, I cannot stand you. You smell awful, your taste in dressing is to be desired and you have some serious issues with cleanliness. You really do have mud on your face.
You also have some serious issues competing with one another, I mean really how many salads can you come up with? And your wardrobe of dressings…Come on…You have this obsession with vinegar and oil which does not mix well.
And let's be honest…We all know you are jealous of your cousin, Fruit. But Fruit is just so much more attractive than you are. Very colorful and ever so sweet…Though, still a bit bananas. I mean fruit dresses will with different things like cream and toppings…Granted some are fruitcakes…But still…There is just no comparing you to fruit.
I know you mean the best for me but you really do have a lot of roughage and sometimes you are hard to swallow. I know you and fruit have this sneaky little trick, sneaking in your cousins, tomato and pepper, into your family but ya know…You can only dress up your family so much before it's obvious…Your family is a bunch of rednecks who sprouted from the ground.
Now, to ease your worries I am not giving you up completely. I will still keep you around and I even got you a present to make this transition much or palatable…I got a you a brand new juicer.
You'll like it…I swear this is just what our relationship needs. The sooner you are ground to a pulp the better. I can even throw a few of your fruity cousins in with ya. You'll love the steel blades…I promise.
And now for some bad news, I met someone new. His name is Mr. Cheesecake. I met him though your cousin, Fruit. Strawberry introduced us. Be happy for us…It's a match made in heaven.