School, like most things in my life, sucks. East Wood high just has to be the death of me. It's like that for everyone. Walking towards the school's front entrance, I pass a group of people whom I heard Tania talk about earlier last week. Something about some weird drug party they threw…My best friend is the biggest gossip in the school, sometimes literally. Sure, Tania and I have other friends and we hang out with them a lot because we practically have no classes together, but at the end of the day, it's always just us. I sigh and tread closer to the entrance, knowing the morning ritual is about to come. Tania spots me and charges her way over. As soon as she's near me, she starts what always happens morning after morning after morning.
"Hey, girl. Guess what I heard? You know Mario, right?" I shake my head no, but she continues on anyway. "Well…I heard at Jonah's party last weekend he was hospitalized because of alcohol poisoning. Oh and Harley, you know who got with that hot mysterious new kid last semester? Well…they got 'together' in some bathroom and his ex just 'happened to stumble in' so yeah, those bitches got into some big ass catfight. And did I tell you about…"
After some point I tune her out, she knows this but she continues on anyway. Maybe she just likes to know how in tune she is with her high school. Either way, I just don't care about anyone's 'juicy' embarrassing stories. I stop by my locker to pull out my calculus book and calculator and I begin to imagine myself breaking in a run and setting all the lockers on fire. People seem to give me high fives and then Mr. Lune, the principal, lips smile too widely. His bald head seems to shine from the heat of the fire and he grabs my neck roughly, banging his lips, still in the form of the smile, against mine. Shaking my head in disbelief, I think about trying to pull my lips from his teeth.
Tania slaps my shoulder, "Did you hear anything I said?"
"No," I sigh. "I just imagined Mr. Lune trying to weird smile-kiss me." I pause and stare at Tania, and this time say a little more seriously, "I'm already ready to go home and school hasn't started yet."
Tania gives me a weird look, "Is this what we're doing now? I start talking and you go off into dreamland with your weird sexual fantasies about Mr. Lune."
I roll my eyes, "Fantasies mean more than one."
"Okay, I'm leaving now."Tania slips her English 12 book into her giant purse, and walks away as if our conversation didn't happen. I look at her shorts and wonder why the school make rules saying that shorts have to be knee length if everyone breaks them anyway. After a brief summer, I'm starting my last year of high school and beginning to leave this shitty town and moving to San Francisco. I walk to into my first class and try to forget I exist for 52 minutes. -I think everyone is born with barriers. Some are different than others, obviously, Tania has a very very different set of barriers. I morbidly watch Tania sit on her boyfriend's lap and suck his face. I don't think Tania is a whore because he is her boyfriend but it is a little…classless. But whatever. I think she's just crazy for him because he's on varsity football. And his muscles are very big…I turn my head and blow air through my mouth and wish Tania and her stupid boyfriend can spontaneously combust.
"Did you guys watch that special on the news?" They continue to make out and I stir my applesauce and say sarcastically, "It's about couples, and that kissing can suck the life force out of you guys. And the more you kiss the sooner you'll die. Yeah, I was real scared for my brother so I called him right away and you know what he told me? My god, you guys just wouldn't believe this, but this guy from his college actually died from kissalopous, and now my brother and his girlfriend only kiss once a week to stop the life force sucking thing."
I watch Tania and her boyfriend continue to kiss and I glance around the cafeteria feeling as if the slightest breeze might just blow me away. Feeling so empty, I suck in air to hold something down, to stop myself from floating away.
I keep my face neutral as I watch everyone around me dive into each other. I do not feel alone. I feel nothing. Squeezing my fists under the table, I wait for pain to erupt so I'd have something to concentrate on. I think of how scary I've become and that if I become a serial killer, I would only kill teenage couples, especially loud sloppy ones. And the world would call me KillLove.
"Angeline, Angeline." Natalie throws a small piece of rice at me. I turn to look at her. Natalie is tall, like 5'9, and she is easily the most closed off person I know, well, except for Jack. I met Natalie freshman year along with Tania and Marissa. I think the most important things to learn about Natalie is that she: one, needs intimacy and that's why she runs through her boyfriends, two, she loves meeting new people and will therefore disappear sometimes in order to hang out with new person, and three, she is simplistic. Simple in a way that I couldn't communicate my weird brain mesh emotions that fucked each other and made mutant, empty, lovesick babies in my heart. No, she wouldn't understand. "What's up sweetie? " Natalie mumbles, as she one handedly eats her teriyaki chicken and reads Cosmo with the other. I watch her, amused.
"Nothing much. How's Daniel? " Natalie shakes her head. "We actually got into a big argument last night."
"I spent a night at a friend's house and he totally freaked out on me," She pauses and glances up at me, raising her hand with the magazine in it, "Hopefully this will have the answer I'm looking for." Natalie continues to chew her rice and chicken as she thoughtfully flips through the pages of the Cosmo. She appears casual today, in a simple blue v-neck and shorts. Her sandy brown hair is thrown in a messy bun and I lick some applesauce from my hand.
"Since Daniel was mad, I'm assuming it was a dude's house."
She nods, not looking up at me. I swallow and think, how does she not see the wrong in that? If she honest to God thinks that she can spend the night at some guy's house and it's completely alright, then maybe she doesn't need to be in a relationship. Yeah, Natalie craves intimacy but she doesn't know the first thing about the complexities that a relationship brings.I don't either though. I look over at Tania, "Can we compare notes for Calculus. I'm having trouble." Tania nods happily, and when she turns to get her purse I see her casually slide her hand on her stupid boyfriend's knee.
I never even took out the time to remember her stupid boyfriend's name. I think the name Tania's stupid boyfriend fits him just fine. He is tall, has dark brown fair skin, a short haircut and a stupid blank expression. I know nothing of his personality and feel intrigued when he seems to politely ignore hands me her notes and then strikes up a conversation with her stupid boyfriend about some stupid action movie that I did not see.
When I arrive home, I see my little brother watching television as my mother sleeps on the couch. My father and mother divorced when I was ten and I don't think my mother has ever really recovered. She owns a store that sells frames. My mother and I aren't very close, mostly because I don't want to sell frames when I'm older and also, she doesn't get my jokes. My father does. But he lives in some small town in New Jersey and I don't think our conversations would be so riveting over the phone. He sends money, calls on holidays, my birthday and other times to just check-in.I am also not close to my parents because even though both does not attend church, they expect me too. Yes, I believe in God. Yes, I hate waking up on a Sunday to sit in a uncomfortable skirt and hear people tell me what I'm supposed to be doing in my life. I believe that there has to be something more than just our existence. And if there is a root of good, it has to be some majestic entity that is responsible for it. I wish I could say more, but I am too lazy.
"Damian, how's your girlfriend?" I ask, from my spot on the sofa. Staring down at our large six cushioned couch, I feel that it takes up the whole living room. I pull at a loose thread, "Does she want to go to your birthday party?"
Damian shakes his head and he continues to watch cartoons.
"No as in she wants too but she's afraid of commitment and she's not ready for another serious relationship? Or she has to go color and frolic with Maria in the park?" Damian still doesn't respond, I nudge my mother, she groans and mutters, "Dinner."
"Yeah," I breathe, wanting her to hurry to the she leaves, Damian turns to me and says "She wants to go to the park. You know what I told her? I told her, she doesn't have to come to my birthday party because she's a dumb girl anyway."
I take my mother's spot and sink into the couch.
"Believe me Damian, there are so many more fish in the sea."
"What does that mean?"
"There will always be another girl that you'll like."
"No. Other girls are really cute but I like Kim. She's special."
I shake my head and contemplate whether I should stay on the couch or go upstairs and get my laptop. Or should I get a head start on my homework so I don't have to do it at one in the morning. I do nothing.I have already sent my application letter to San Francisco State. I'm just waiting for my acceptance letter.
I think of how long this week will be and the next one, and the next one. One more year 'till I'm out of high school. When will I be out of my crazy emotions? When will I stop feeling empty? I drift off into nothing, into the blackness that it is my dreams.
I step into my English class and as soon as I sit down, I'm daydreaming.I imagine myself getting up from my chair and throwing all the books around. I flip over every desk and punch Mrs. Johnson in the face. She holds her face and because she is old, she is incapable of doing anything in return. I yell, "Fuck this class!"
I yell, "Fuck everyone in this shitty school!"Then I turn around and kiss the popular jock, that is also the class clown, intensely. I carry him in my arms and dip him like in the romance novels. Except he seems like the damsel in distress. And we kiss, we kiss, we kiss.
"Hey Angeline," Jay smiles, I turn to look at him and try to keep my face neutral. I ignore my heart rate and push back the mental images of him moaning my name over and over. I think I had a penis in my daydream. And I was fucking him.
"Angeline?" Jay gives me a weird look and in his tone I could feel the regret that he has for starting a soon to be awkward and short conversation. I exhale, "Hey Jay, wassup?"
"Nothin much, I was just wondering if you did the response for that article she gave us."
"Uhh yeah I did." I dig in my backpack and give him my papers. I wish I could think of something interesting to say. Something witty that brings a long detailed conversation between us. But I can't think of anything. Except that I had a daydream with him getting fucked in his imaginary vagina by my imaginary penis. He looks at my work and he furrows his eyebrows in concentration. Just like he did in my daydream, except his back was arched and he was-I smile and shake my head.
"What?" He chuckles and glances up at me. Jay's eyes are dark brown, they look like the color of the night sky, and his skin is the color of a Hershey's chocolate bar. Today he is wearing a simple white hugging T-shirt with basketball shorts. I want to lean in and run my hands down his back.
"Nothing," I pause and think of some lie to say, "I was just thinking about how Mrs. Johnson freaked out on Derek yesterday. I thought she was going to have a stroke."
He laughs again and says, "That's messed up." Jay hands me my papers back and for a second, I feel our fingertips touch. "Your response was really good, you're smart."
"Thanks." He begins to say something but Mrs. Johnson cuts him off with a loud, "Get to your seats! Today we're covering a poem by…"
Blah blah blah.
In Calculus, I try to pay attention because math does not come easy for me. It comes extremely hard. And there is this evil troll in the class that really just does not like me. She and her retarded boyfriend always seem to be laughing and glancing at me. Asshats. Like right now, I feel her evil stare. I look up at them and they both explode into laughter. I feel like yelling, what in the hell is so funny?High school. I sigh and stare at the window and see the wind breathe into the trees. I wonder how I would live my life as a tree. I would be giant, capable of blocking the sun's rays from people's eyes. And couples would kiss on me, kids would climb on me, and old people would lean on me for an extra hand.
I feel someone's glance on me and when I turn to see who it is, I realize it is Evil Troll and her retard. I imagine myself stomping over and punching in her fat face. Her greasy blonde hair flies in every direction. I roundhouse kick her retard in his face and I can see his teeth soaring in the air. My face is red and I bash both of their heads together with my hands. They squeal and plead. "You shouldn't have laughed at me." I say in a voice that is akin to Berry White's. I pick Evil Troll's head up with my right hand and I throw her through the wall of the class room, she lands outside in the hall. Her body is sprawled on the ground, her legs are bent in peculiar shapes and I'm pretty sure she's dead. I turn to her retard and say in a strangely deep menacing voice, "Now you pay!"
"W-what?" He stutters. I breathe fire into his face. "Now you pay!" I grab his head and rip it off. Blood spurts out of his body like a fountain. I scream in delight and roll on the floor. Everyone in the class chants 'go angie, go angie, go!'
I snap out of my spooky pipe dream feeling a little disturbed with myself. First with Jay and now this?Before I knew it, the lunch bell rings and I trudge onto the cafeteria.
At the lunch table, I give Marissa the death glare."Angeline."
"Marissa, where were you yesterday?"
"Angeline, why are you having odd sexual fantasies about Mr. Lune?"
"He's not the only one," I mumble.
"I said, don't pretend that you never had a weird fantasy about a teacher."
Marissa nods and unintentionally pushes up her glasses. "Once, I had an anal sex dream about Mr. Stevens and Mr. White, it got really heated. They were going at it, right next to me. And as they were doing it, their hands started to reach out towards my body, they started to massage my-"
"Please. Stop." Marissa giggles and I stare at her new pixie haircut.
"You know," She says, still giggling. "It really says something about your personality that you let me go on like that…"
I concentrate on the little skeletons and hearts on Marissa's shirt.
"What are you talking about? I stopped you."
"Yeah, but most people would have stopped me after I talked about the fact that I had an anal sex dream about Mr. White and Mr. Stevens." She then licks lemon pudding off of her spoon.
"Why do you have to say the words anal sex dream? I heard you before and you keep repeating it like its some sort of phrase…and well maybe you need to know more people then." Marissa shakes her head no and smiles widely. I know that this smile is not directed at me. I look around for Chris.
"Hey guys. Where's the rest of your group?" Marissa shrugs and bounces up to wrap her arms around his is pale like a ghost, he also has braces and his blonde hair is spiked in a supposed-to-be-cool-and-ends-up-being-nerdy-way.
"Tania and Natalie probably went off to help decorate the school for Homecoming."
"Losers." Chris snorts and I smile at him. Natalie has Daniel, Marissa has Chris, Tania has her stupid boyfriend and I have no one. Just because they all have a significant other, it doesn't mean I need one. It's just that, everyone seems so preoccupied. No one gives a shit about what I do aside from the usual 'Hey, how are you? '. And I'm here. Stuck, alone.
From what seems like light years away, I hear Marissa and Chris mumbling their innermost secrets into each other. I'm unoccupied. I am empty.