Dear Human Race,

Shut up already. Believe it or not, we can understand you when you don't talk to us like we're little babies! I mean honestly. In dog years, which by the way is how I measure things, I'm older than all of you. Therefore, it's very odd when you refer to me as "your baby," and "the cute little dog." How hard is it to gain a little respect around here. Don't be too offended. I love you all and think you're a fantastic family for a dog to have, and I'm sorry if this letter hurts your feelings to the point of you taking my treats away temporarily. But, if the lost if a few treats is what it takes to earn some respect, then so be it. I can honestly say that you do not treat me like man's best friend, you treat like man's best baby. I repeat, you may take away my treats if you want. I suppose I did use the bathroom on your carpet this morning... hehe, sorry about that. I promise it was an accident. It's just that while I can miraculously write your language, speaking it is completely different, so I don't blame you for not letting me outside in time. Anyway, about my treats. Could you please stop buying the beef jerky ones? I'm trying to live a vegetarian life as I heard it makes doggy breath smell better, and the beef jerky is not helping. Thank you, and please take this letter very, very, very seriously, or I shall continue to use the bathroom on the floor. ON PURPOSE.

Sincerely, the Dogs