he gave me the eyes: "fix me."

so i smiled and agreed,
and ignored his hands.
but god, do i remember them now.

big, rough, digging deeper,
going where i begged them not to.

"don't leave me. where are you? tell
me everything. what did you do?
and why? with who? when?
did you think about me the whole time?
i missed you so much. do you ever
even miss me? i always
miss love need want you.
don't ever leave me. i would die without you.

the monster inside me would kill. slowly.
and it would be your fault."

i almost cried in front of you once. but
i stopped myself, because that would only
lead to disaster. i knew. you
asked me to trust you. promised you would
quit smoking, drinking, crying, breathing.

the first time, it hurt. and i felt
smothered beneath you. afterwards, you told me
you loved me.

that was the worst part. with those
cruel words, you invaded more than just my body:

you slipped inside my mind, and i was afraid
that i was less than human
for hating what you'd done.

his goal was to destroy me. as i made my escape,
he cried. asked if i would reconsider. that night
i filled my journal with "i am not human."

rage, insults, cruelty, lies.

maybe i should have hated him then,
and maybe i should hate him now. but i
never have been able to bring myself
to do that. to give up on him. even now.

i knew he was in the wrong, but i
could not blame him. only myself,
for not doing a better job
of saving him.

pretend nothing is wrong
and slip past him with
only a nod of recognition

don't scream
don't scream

everything will be okay
if you just act like it didn't happen

an. i know this doesn't feel like much of an ending. but that's because there isn't one yet. this is ridiculously personal. like i haven't written something this honest since. like. i don't know. i posted some stupid rant last year or something. since then.

so, yeah. i can't write a satisfactory ending until one actually happens. and i don't know when or if that will be. so. this is where i'm leaving it for now.