The Psychiatrist


Made for fun ;) Enjoy!


Day 1: Welcome the pussies!

[Scene: White room with 2 chairs and one table in between. Dr. Pen sits on the chair near the window]

Jensen enters with a plastic bag full of powder.

Dr. Pen: Hello, welcome, Jensen Parker.

Jensen: Hey yo, I got the Crack and Meth you wanted. That makes-

Dr. Pen: Uh, I think you're looking for Dr. Pan. He's next door.

Jensen: Oh, that makes sense. This stays between us, okay?

Dr. Pen: Always.

Jensen leaves.

Dr. Pen: Next!

Ollie enters.

Dr. Pen: Hello, Oliver. How may I-

Ollie: OH MY GOSH! A LAMP! points at lamp and crouches IT'S GONNA KILL US ALL! NO, NEVER!

Dr. Pen: turns off lights Let's talk in the dark then. So… Your problem is that you are afraid of lamps?

Ollie: No, not at all, why do you think so? sits down

Dr. Pen: Just before, you-

Ollie: I freaked out.

Dr. Pen: Because of lamps.

Ollie: Lambs? laughs You got me wrong, doctor. White lambs are my favorite animals! I am afraid of light bulbs!

Dr. Pen: Do you know why this is?

Ollie: What why this is? Lambs are cuties!

Dr. Pen: impatiently Why are you afraid of light bulbs?

Ollie: Long story, doctor, long story.

Dr. Pen: I have time; go on.

Ollie: It all started with me liking Barney.

Dr. Pen: That pink dinosaur that is supposed to have died centuries ago?

Ollie: It's purple. And it's a special dinosaur! Anyways, I was sitting in front of the TV watching Barney. Then suddenly a magical mystical fairy appeared and told me that I was the chosen one. And I was like 'for what?' And she said, 'You have to kill the evil light bulbs that attacked and-'

Dr. Pen: looks at watch Oh, time's up! See you t-. Someday. Wait, why don't you go to Dr. Pan? He's much more of a patient person!

Ollie: Sure I will!

Ollie leaved skipping happily

Dr. Pen: Is Hermann still there?

Hermann: Here I come!

Hermann enters

Dr. Pen: So welcome, Hermann. What's up?

Hermann: The ceiling. … Wait a minute: I forgot something!

Hermann leaves and returns with a photo album, sits down

Dr. Pen: Oh someone has made preparations!

Hermann: Ah yes, we Germans.

Dr. Pen: Yapp yapp.

Hermann: Uh… Why is it so dark in here?

Dr. Pen: Long story, Hermann, long story.

Hermann: … Well, doctor. I came here today because of a dilemma.

Dr. Pen: Which is?

Hermann: shows picture of an old woman My sister really needs a husband and-

Dr. Pen: quickly BYE!

Dr. Pen shoves Hermann out of the room and turns on lights

Dr. Pen: Is there anyone out there who REALLY needs a psychiatrist?

Bob: Me, doctor, me! It's Bob!

Dr. Pen: Come in. looks at watch It's nearly 6pm, so you gotta hurry!

Bob: Okay. Inhales I'm in a depression. Exhales

Bob enters and sits down

Dr. Pen: So am I, 'cause this job sucks. sarcastically Yay, soul mates!

Bob: Really?

Dr. Pen: No. Now continue telling me of your depression.

Bob: Herman wants me to marry his ugly old sister.

Dr. Pen: He wants me to do that, too.

Bob: Soul mates?

Dr. Pen: No.

Bob: Oh well… I declined.

Dr. Pen: And…?

Bob: He was very angry with me.

Dr. Pen: Afterwards…?

Bob: sobs He… He called me a PUSSY!

Dr. Pen: to himself Is this a joke or what? lays arm around Bob Okay, let's cheer you up. You are no pussy.

Bob: sobs more You're such a bad psychiatrist!

Dr. Pen: Y'know, it's hard to be good, when all your patients are pussies!

Bob: cries out loudly and desperately What should I do?

Dr. Pen: Wake up and GET A LIFE!

Bob: stops H-how?

Dr. Pen: It wasn't literally meant.

Bob: But it'll work! It's quite impossible, but if I get a job-

Dr. Pen: You don't have one?

Bob: ignores him If I get a job-

Dr. Pen: How will you pay me?

Bob: still ignores him If I get a job, I'll be more of a man!

Dr. Pen: And my money?

Bob: And if I get a job, I can pay you back!

Dr. Pen: bangs head on the table Oh merciful God!

Bob: It's so nice of you to pray for me to get a job! You're not such a bad doctor after all!

Bob leaves with a grin on his face


(c) Fongki 2012