I'm a thirteen year old girl. I love to sing, dance, play the violin, read, write, act, and play softball and volleyball. I get good grades, have lots of great friends, and a loving family. I have lots of little kitties and a seven year old yellow Lab named Copper who is my best buddy!
If you asked anyone who knows me, they would say that I'm one of the happiest and funniest girls they've ever met.
But anyone who really knows me, would know… that's not true.
I haven't had an official diagnosis, but I don't need one to know my condition.
My name is Morgan, and I suffer from Anxiety, OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), and Depression.
My mental condition isn't really noticeable on the outside. I smile and laugh all the time when I'm with friends and family. But actions can be misleading.
When I'm alone, I cry. All I think about is how much I don't want to be here. I feel ugly, useless, and unwanted.
I wasn't always this way. When I was younger there would be commercials that would come on advertising depression medications. I didn't understand the concept of depression. Being sad for seemingly no reason at all for an extended period of time? It was all strange to me.
Now it's not. I suppose I should tell you the root of all this, and how I started noticing the symptoms.
I don't tell anybody this because everybody would think I was a freak, but it all started over a TV show. Yes, a TV show.
It was one I'd grown up with…a part of my childhood, and when it ended, it felt like that part of my childhood had ended too. I became so sad over it…it was bizarre. This is where the OCD comes in. I started watching it all the time, it was all I would do. If I didn't watch it, I would become extremely sad. Watching the series finale was devastating. My family was suspicious and confused…I can't say I can blame them. I mean, I was watching it so much, I had some of the episodes practically memorized. I wanted them to continue the show so bad, I started seeking fanfiction. It helped, but hardly.
It got so bad, I noticed my hair would fall out more frequently, a sign of extreme stress which is also known to occur during depression. I would find it all over my jackets and shirts, it would stick to chairs at school, and running my fingers very lightly through it would result in about 5 strands coming out each time.
Months passed and eventually, I got over it. I never watch the show anymore and I'm no longer saddened by its end. It was a very strange couple of months that I will never forget.
Something that had been going on with me for a while and that is still with me today, is extreme anxiety. I'm terrified of being humiliated and of what people think of me. I'm very self-conscious about everything and my feelings get hurt very easily.
The root of this is being embarrassed in the past. Believe it or not, I've been on the verge of Anorexia for a while now. People tell me I'm skinny and I suppose I am…I just don't feel skinny enough. The problem area is my stomach. It's not flat like most of my friends' stomachs and I'm very insecure about it. I feel bad about my body because there are grown women who are able to fit in size 0 pants and I'm 13 and a size 3-5.
I get compliments from friends a lot, but a million compliments can't cover up one insult…
In sixth grade, I had this major crush on a boy. I really liked him but didn't want him to know. I stupidly told all my friends who couldn't keep their mouths shut. He found out from many of them and decided I was a creepy stalker. I wanted to talk to him so I asked one of my friends who had his number to give him my number and text me. To my surprise, he called me. This was our conversation:
Him: Why was I told to text this number?
Me: …Who is this?
Him: (I don't really remember what he said here)
Me: (More demanding) Who is this?
Him: Whatever. (Hangs up)
I still don't know today if he believes I didn't know who I was talking to. I don't know because the next time we talked it was as if nothing had happened.
Then one day came where I told the wrong friend about him who I know I shouldn't have. She's very sweet but has no clue what she should and shouldn't tell people. So of course, she asks him out for me over Facebook. He already had a girlfriend at the time, so of course he said no. The really humiliating thing is I had to find out from him that she did that. It was so embarrassing.
The following summer, one of my other friends decided to ask him over Facebook if he liked me. He said, and I quote "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo". Then she asked why and he said "Because she's weird and not pretty."
Those words hurt…and they still come back and me every day more than a year later.
Dance is another thing I've been really insecure about. Due to lack of instruction and equal treatment at my old studio, my mom switched me over to the national award winning studio in my town. I like it much better there, but I'm still catching up. A lot of the girls in my grade are already at the top level and I'm still in 3 for some of them, making me the oldest. I'm embarrassed by it. They've never said anything mean to my face or at all for all I know, but I'm still scared they're going to tell people and make fun of me. A little while ago somebody from my old studio who I thought was my friend called me a terrible dancer. I've improved a lot since then but I still doubt myself. It helps that one of the advanced dancers in my current studio is one of my best friends though. I know she wouldn't ever say anything mean like that.
I'm also not able to see my body in a positive light. I hate almost everything about it. My fat face, ugly hair, acne, flat chest, unflat stomach…
I know I'm exaggerating. People tell me I'm very pretty but I hate my body. I look gross without makeup, yet I think I look like a hooker with it. This makes me really sad. I don't want to be the kind of girl that hates herself…I want to be happy with myself.
I also hate myself for being so useless and lazy. My parents tell me I'm lazy and sit on my butt all day doing nothing. The truth hurts. I am lazy and useless. I never do my chores because I'm so flat out lazy. I'm saying lazy a lot but it's true. I don't understand how other kids have families that work perfectly together. Don't get me wrong, my family is very loving but we do fight frequently. Our house is always a disaster and it seems like we're always bickering.
That's why I cut myself today.
I didn't use a knife…I have a phobia of extreme pain. So instead I took a needle, slid it through my skin and yanked it up, ripping the skin. I don't really know why I did it…it just seemed like a way of…escape? I don't really know.
So, as you can see, there's more to me than meets the eye. You can't tell what's going on behind my hazel eyes. I try to look happy all the time, however a few days ago one of my friends who is practically my sister asked me why I look so sad all the time. I couldn't tell her. It's not something I can really explain by word of mouth. However, I needed to tell someone…
So I told you. You don't know me personally, but you now know all my secrets that nobody I know personally knows. If you've read this far, I really appreciate it. I may be depressed, anxious, obsessive, confused, angry, frustrated with myself, and sad…
But I'm not going anywhere.
Have I thought about suicide? Sure. Have I attempted to do it? No. Will I ever attempt to do it?
No. Because you know why? I may have problems, but I know God wants me here. Even if I feel sometimes like nobody does, I know He does. He has a specific plan for me, and you know what? Maybe all this is part of it. I once heard that it takes a very strong person to make it through depression. I want to show God that I'm strong.
Weird and not pretty.
A Terrible Dancer.
Their opinions mean NOTHING.
God's opinion is the only thing that matters. And in his eyes…
AN: As you can probably tell, I was an emotional rollercoaster while writing this. I know it probably isn't the best quality of writing but my reason for writing this was to give you all my story of depression from my own eyes.
Yes, I am still depressed, but I am getting better. I've decided that I'm not going to cut again.
When I was writing this I really had no idea where this was going to go. Maybe it would end in a suicide note?
But no, it ended with God. That's a blessing right there.
I want to thank you if you read this far, or even bothered to read it at all. I really appreciate it.
May God stand by you in all your times of both happiness and sorrow,