I continued to read and he sat in silence across from me. I could occasionally feel his gaze but I didn't look up to meet it. There wasn't much to say and even if there was, neither on of us would say it. But Cam, being who he is, spoke up in the silence. "Let me guess, calculus?" he was still playing with that pack of sugar which looked like it been through hell and back by now. I held up the book so he could read the cover which happened to say Calculus. "Do you enjoy reading Calculus textbooks in your spare time?" He was acting weird. His cockiness is normally going through the roof but now, sitting here in front of me, it looked diminished. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.
"Sometimes," Janessa came and sat our drinks on the table with a smile which we both returned. She went to the couple a few tables down from us. I grabbed a pack of sugar and emptied it into my cup. He didn't add anything to his and cringed at the strong of the coffee. I stifled a laughed at his facial expression. He looked up at me and I was pretending to read my book.
"Since when is calculus funny?" He asked grabbing a couple packs of sugar and putting them into the large mug, followed by some creamer. I looked at him, amused by how easy it was to irritate him.
"It's always been funny but you actually have to understand it," I sipped my tea and he rolled his eyes.
"Whatever," He tried his coffee again and look satisfied. "Not everyone can be good at school like you." He stacked the empty sugar packs in the corner of the table.
"And not everyone can be 'perfect' like you," I used my fingers to make air quotes. His eyebrows knitted together in confusion.
"What's that supposed to mean?" I could see his anger flaring and I almost laughed because he was so easily provoked. I looked him directly in the eyes.
"I may be suicidal, but I'm not dumb and I have may have the whole school thinking your the all american boy but I know that look better than anyone. There's something bothering you-" he started to interrupt but I kept talking. "I'm not going to force you to tell me but I can probably bet that's not even who you want to be." I flipped the page.
"What makes you think I don't want to be who I am?"
"Being what you are is way too much for one person to handle. It makes or breaks your opportunities in life, and when you do something wrong, you let so many people down. Not just your family but the whole school. Everyones watching your every move and they start to know more about your life than you do." I finally shut the textbook. "How would you know who you are if your worried about what everyone else is thinking? Or worrying about you grades or football?" He was silent. " You wouldn't know, because you'd be so caught up in everyone else, you'd forget to be you." He took a long swig of his coffee. "Plus if being popular makes you look like that," I motioned to his overly stressed face, "its not worth it." I could tell he wanted to throw an insult back but he didn't and that made me a little angry. I hated sympathy.
"I just don't understand how someone could sit and go unnoticed when they have so much potential." He looked down at his drink and his voice was low, I almost couldn't hear it.
"Maybe they don't want to be noticed," I said simply dropping my feet and slipping on my shoes. I stuffed my book into my bag. Janessa came over and dropped the check on the table and I pulled out my wallet.
"No, I got it," Cam whipped out his in the blink of an eye but my master card was out first. He stared at the black platinum as I handed it over. "Why would you not want to be noticed?" I dropped a twenty on the table for tips and wrote my name and number on a piece of scrap paper for Janessa.
"Because if I did, I'd end up like you," I stood up, grabbed my bag and left the Waffle house.
I got home and all the lights were out and I walked into a dark erie house. Some of the house keepers were shuffling around before tomorrow. My mom always had a gathering with the models and all the people on production before a new line came out. She just decided to have it at our house which I didn't mind sometime but I wish we didn't have so many people in our house at one time. So normally I just stand beside her and watch or hole up in my wing of the house. I took my shoes off and set my bag on the stairs.
I walked up them and went towards my dads office. He wouldn't be as busy as mom but he's always busy. Always and sometimes it was really nice to help him out a bit. I tapped on the door twice before walking in. He was video chatting with my Grandma which only meant one thing. He was going to be leaving soon. She smiled at me from the big screen.
"Hey Lana!" She waved ecstatically at me through the camera. I smiled and waved. She was really grey and her wrinkles were very noticeable. Despite that, she didn't act a day over 25. "How are you sweetheart?" I hated letting people see me as weak or fragile. Defiantly my grandma.
"I'm doing just fine," I said leaning on the edge of my dads desk. She raised her eyebrows.
"I've heard otherwise..." I looked down because I couldn't look her in the eye and lie. I felt my heart start to ache.
"I'll talk to you tomorrow Mom," my father smiled at the screen.
"All right, all right get back to work." She smiled at her son and then looked at me. "I'll see you soon honey, be have yourself. " She waved one more time before the screen went black. I could hear my father shuffling papers behind me. I turned around and sat in one of the chairs directly across from his desk.
"When are you leaving?" I asked looking down and picking off my finger nail polish. I didn't really get to see my dad much and when I did, it was awesome. He was always on the road working, flying from country to country for his job. And it felt like as soon as he got here, he was gone. I could feel him watching me carefully.
"At the end of the week," he'd stopped shuffling papers and was watching me intensely. He laced his fingers together on top of the desk.
"Oh how long will you be gone?" I finally looked up to meet his eyes.
"Two weeks max," he smiled trying to lighten the mood a little bit. I just nodded. "Want to help me with some stuff." He was trying to distract my from my feelings. I agreed and hope that it worked.
He told me to look at some stuff that he's drawn and see why he can't get it to work. I was good at this stuff, fixing stuff. I could look at a new invention that they couldn't figure out the kink in five minutes. It wasn't too often that he couldn't figure something out but when he couldn't he came to me. He handed me a two packets. On the front was what the invention was supposed to look like and on the inside was all the other important information. I automatically flipped to the back page where all the equations were. I scanned over them for a minute. I couldn't tell what was wrong with it.
I stood up to pace around. I pace for another two minuets before circling the mistake and handing the first one back. "What was it?" He looked at the paper and smacked his hand to his forehead. "I forgot to carry the one." I nodded and paced around with the second paper. This one was easier,
"You miscalculated on this one." I circled the mistake and showed him. "Its supposed to be 196, not 169." He nodded and highlighted it. I handed back his pen and he smiled.
"What would I do without you?" I couldn't help but smile. See, my father and I, we're practically the same person. We think just alike and are brains sometimes seemed wired together. We often said the same thing at the same time. The only thing that's really different about us is our looks. I looked identical to my mom. He had brown hair that lightened up in the summer and really light grey eyes that almost looked white. He wore glasses that always hung low on his face or he pushed them up on his head. My mom had black hair and green eyes, from her Italian roots that she never really claimed. I helped him finish up a few more things before leaving his office and going to my room. I did a little bit of homework while Zola ran me a bath. She was on top of everything times ten now. It was a little ridiculous. She offered to pick an outfit for me tomorrow and I declined. After I got in that bath I could hear her moving around my room to tidy it up.
"Have you eaten dinner?" She said walking the bathroom and I shook my head. "What did I tell you about eating?" She made sure to give me a schedule of when I should be eating and what it should be.
"I'm sorry, I didn't do it on purpose," I sank down in the bubble bath a little. She held out her hand and I gave her mine. She took off the black nail polish and filed my nails.
"What about your medicine?" SHe asked and I gave her my other hand.
"Yeah I took it,"she watched to make sure I wasn't lying. She can catch me in a lie the second it starts to come out of my mouth.
"Well thats good but you need to eat!" she finished the other hand and stood up. "By the time I get back you need to be out." I nodded but I couldn't help but smile. As soon as she left, I got out and dried off. I slipped into my pajamas and started brushing out my hair. I looked at myself in the mirror. I ran my hand over the purple circles under my eyes. I looked so frail without dark make up on. I looked at my eyes and they were dull, not very excited or even lifelike. They seemed to be darker with my mood. When Zola came I ate my food and down.
"Get some sleep, I'll see you in the morning, goodnight," She said.
"Night," I pulled the covers up over my shoulder and closed my eyes. Begging for sleep that would never come.
The next morning was hell. I'd slept maybe 45 minutes, if that. Zola came in with a cup of tea to wake me up. She handed it to me and sat on the bed. She frowned, she knows I don't sleep very much. "You need help with anything?" She asked.
"Nope," I set my tea on the table and headed to the closet while she began to make up my bed. The lights automatically flicked on. "Whats the weather supposed to be like?"
"In the low 70's," She said and I scanned my clothes, ignoring the whole other three quarters of the closet. I picked out a tight black tank with a predominantly black school girl skirt. It was short so I grabbed some fishnets with my combat boots. I got dressed quickly and headed to the bathroom to do my make up. I applied some thick black eye liner and some mascara. Then I straightened my wavy hair. Zola came in and offered to do the back. I handed her the straightener. I took my time getting downstairs. I went to the kitchen to find my parents eating.
"Morning," I said taking a seat as Baldwin set a plate in front of me. The both looked up and smiled.
"Good morning," they said in unison. My mom got up to put her plate in the sink. She walked over to me and I stopped eating. She put her hand against my face and her thumb ran over my purple circles.
"The sleeping pills aren't helping?" I shook my head and she turned to look at my dad. I continued to eat in a some what awkward silence. "You aren't thinking about doing it again are you?" I stopped eating and everyone in the room seemed to pause. All the pans that were clashing together stopped, the housekeepers moving around stopped and my dads eyes left his plate to look at me. I squeezed my fork handle before releasing it to let it hit the counter. I looked at my mom and I could see her tearing up. I stood up and gave her a hug as she began sobbing.
"No," I said squeezing her tighter. I felt a tear run down my face. My father came up and hugged the both of us. He smoothed my mother hair. "It'll be okay mom." I pulled back and kept my hands on her shoulders so I could look at her. "I'll be fine mom, I promise." She looked at my father who was watching me. I looked in his eyes. "I'll be okay and so will you." I pushed the hair sticking to the side of her face behind her ear.
"You need to get to school or you're going to be late," My father said holding back tears. I nodded, grabbed my bad and left without any questions.
I got to school and people seemed better then yesterday, they didn't stare as much. I went to my locker and popped it open. I heard someone approach but I didn't need to look up to know who it was. I heard him put in his combo.
"What's the special occasion?" He looked me up and down.
"There is none," I said flatly, not looking up from what I was doing.
"You could come over after school and make it one," I knew he was playing around but I wasn't in the mood. I slammed my locker shut and walked away without saying anything. I heard him yell "Sorry!" down the hall and people stared but I didn't care. I ignored him and the rest of the world for the entire day. I sat alone at lunch but some people took my table. There were no empty tables so I ventured off to the abandoned wing of the school. No one went there anymore. It used to be for chemistry but something bad was released into the air and they closed it down without ever using it again. I walked around the DO NOT CROSS sign. I chose the spot by the big window and ate lunch in solitude.
I looked through my bag and found my black nail polish. I tossed it back into my bag and let my nails dry. I was torturing my parents. I looked out of the window at the courtyard. I need to get better. But I'm not sure what my problem is. How can you fix something when you don't know what's wrong? You can't.
I rested my head in my hands making sure to watch my nails. I pulled back to look at them and realized I was still wearing that ring Cam gave me. I took it off and put it in my bag. I needed to figure out what the hell I was going to do because I couldn't let my parents continue to go on like this. I sighed as the bell rang.
Yeah yeah I know its short but so is life so deal with it(: I love you guyss