I just wonder about guys sometimes.
They love you, or so you think, and then the next day they're ignoring you like nothing ever happened.
I liked this guy, Daniel and he just started ignoring me.
We've been dating since we were ten.
The awkward first date done and over with, everything out of the way, our first kiss done and treasured in the back of my head, our love just becoming history, everyone knowing about us and how long we've been dating and then one day he just started ignoring me!
He looked at me like he didn't even know me anymore.
I thought it was just another one of his bad days, but he wouldn't talk to me at all.
Not even a word.
Not even a smile.
I tried to get him away from his friends so we could talk, but one of his buddies would always come and take him away from me.
If I found him alone, he'd always slip away and disappear.
I don't know what happened between us, but I don't like it and I hate this feeling.
I got up this morning and couldn't help it.
I looked at his Facebook profile page and there was nothing on there about us.
It still said "in a relationship" but not with me, Alex Harder.
I sighed as I scrolled up and down looking at every last inch of his page.
I looked at my old posts that I'd written on his wall from years and years before and just a few days before he started ignoring and avoiding me.
It was just too much for me to take in so I slammed my head down hard on the keyboard; luckily I didn't do much damage, to the computer or my head.
I didn't really care about my head that much right now; it could get boiled or eaten off by a bear for all I cared.
I groaned and kept looking.
A part of me wanted to look through his pictures, but my hand just wouldn't listen to that small little part inside that was screaming, "Do it Alex! Look at your boyfriend."
What boyfriend? He doesn't like you anymore.
That's what it seems anyway.
He just doesn't have that dazzle in his eyes anymore.
I cried and got up out of bed and went to my bathroom and looked at myself in my mirror.
I splashed my face with freezing cold water, trying to wake myself up out of this nightmare, but sadly it was reality.
Why do I still love you Daniel?
All you do is look at other girls now.
What have I done wrong?
Reality kicked in, it kicked me straight in the gut, as I looked up at the corner of my mirror and saw the old picture that Daniel had taken of us on our last date.
Actually his friend took it, but it was Daniel's camera so...
He had ran up behind me and hugged my waist tight and had one of his football buddies take a picture of us together.
As his friend Joey clicked the button and the camera flashed I smiled.
Daniel had planted the sweetest and most meaningful kiss on the top of my head and that moment was captured in the picture that I now stood staring at.
I loved that day...and missed it ever so much.
I sighed, a very depressed sigh, and somehow made it all the way back to my bed and fell on top of it.
What was I going to do? I loved him, but all he'd do was ignore me.
What do I do?
I stayed home a few weeks.
My mother didn't seem to notice I was faking being sick which was a plus.
When I finally went back he was still ignoring me.
I noticed my friend's ex looking at me.
I looked over and there he was.
Always staring at me with the creepiest little smirk on his face.
I didn't like him, but it was obvious he liked me.
I'm not the type to talk, but I did speak up for myself when he started talking to me.
My friend told him that he should leave me alone, but I reassured him that it was okay and day after day he smiled at me when he'd see me and I'd just smile back.
I noticed myself falling in love with him for some reason, but I didn't quite know why.
Yes, I missed Daniel, but Jake seemed so sweet.
For the first time in my life, I got the guy's number.
I asked my friend for it and I started texting him.
It was awkward at first because I was going to ask him to leave me alone.
But he just kept texted me and then we just started talking more and more and it just felt kind of nice.
He finally asked me out and I realized that I'd totally forgotten about Daniel.
"Dude! What are you doing?" my mind asked me.
"Shut up!" my heart told my stupid thoughts. "She's trying to love again and that's all that matters..." I smiled each day that he passed me in the hall.
I felt as if the devil and angel were fighting on my shoulders.
I didn't want to date him, but I didn't want to be mean either.
A Few Days Later
Everyone looked at him and I together.
It was really weird and I didn't like it.
He was one of the guys that not many people liked...and I wasn't sure if I truly did or not either.
I hate this feeling, but he's is pretty nice.
The worst part is that he's my best friend's ex, but when he told me that he likes me, I thought 'Hell with it; I need to move on from Daniel...as much as I don't want to.'
He was sweet, but he had his times though...
We broke up and I was the one to tell him that things weren't working out.
It felt good to be the one breaking up...I don't exactly know why, but it just did.
I know the feeling of being "broken up with" and I knew he felt that horrible way.
But I didn't care.
I thought more and more about Daniel again.
When I told him, "yes." I guess I was just trying to move on from Daniel without really knowing I was doing so.
Why did I do that?
I didn't even like him.
I made him think I liked him and I made him think that I still do.
Just great Alex.
Good work Alex...
I wished time could turn back so I didn't say yes to him, but it was impossible.
I had to deal with it.
I had to deal with everything...
One Month Later
A month passed and he asked me out again.
I accidentally said yes and boy hated every minute of the first day "back with him."
He thought he'd make things "easier" for us and tell my best friend, his ex, that we dated before and we were dating now.
I got really mad at him and that's when I finally realized...
I seriously made a huge mistake.
I shouldn't have gone out with him in the first place.
It was too late to turn things around though...
I officially hated myself.
I felt like I let Daniel down even though he already let me down by ignoring me.
I felt horrible.
I wanted to hide forever and never go back to school.
Never see Jake or Daniel ever again.
That same day Jake finally realized that I didn't and never had any feelings for him so he broke up with me.
Why did he break up with me?
Him. Break up. With me?
What the hell?!
I was going to do that!
Boys are just...confusing sometimes.
I'd say stupid, but they're not all stupid.
I have to admit that...
I was going to break up with him later on that day by texting him, but he beat me to it.
It hurts being broken up with.
It hurts being the one who's being told "We need to break up..."
Even if you don't particularly like the person who's doing it, it still stings.
It was good for me though, the break up.
I really just needed him to get off of my back and to stop following me and stuff.
People just kept staring and I just hated every part of it.
There was just one time that I liked though...he told me to hug him and I rolled my eyes and hugged him.
Even though I didn't like him, I felt something in that moment.
I hadn't hugged a guy since Daniel, so it felt good.
It must've been a hug.
Just real hug from a real guy.
My friends hugged me when I told them the news, but it just wasn't the same.
I didn't particularly Jake's hug, but it felt warm and he did actually care about me so I have to admit, in the end, it was sweet.
I don't know what to do or who to like now.
I think I still like Daniel and everything just really hurts.
I try to look at other guys and try falling for them, any of them, but I just can't.
I don't know.
Is it too soon?
Do I not wanna get hurt again?
Or is it that I can't get over Daniel?
Ugh, but I try so hard!
Trying hurts so much more than just sitting there and not doing a thing, anything.
Thinking and looking back...I wish I never "moved on" from Daniel and just stayed the way I was.
Yes, I was broken and it caused a great pain to me to wake up every single morning and go into school and see his familiar face.
But now it's the face of a stranger.
At least I didn't hate myself then.
At least I didn't feel guilty about the things I did and want to take everything back so badly.
I, Alex Harder, am heartbroken and I don't know if it's him or I to blame...