chance

take a chance tonight, he said
and i took your hand (took your chance)
you showed me smoke and mirrors
and dark alleys and stolen beer
and left me.
left me alone to die.

i bled and i was bruised
yet i was still stronger than you.
out of the haze i crawled -
well i tried but it's a prison, see?
triple locked by your sweet embrace
and my own stubbornness.

there was no key, no exit
so i fell backwards into grasping hands
and tongue studs and happy pills
with people i secretly hated
{including myself} -
but it was somehow beautiful.

in the darkest parts of town
there are no mirrors
and if there are, pretty unlikely,
there are cracks and grime coatings
that stop me from seeing
the monster i've become.

come hither eyes and fuck me thighs
you say i'm asking for it without saying a word
but that doesn't mean i'm silent -
whispers of filth and hate from ruby lips
that have been far too many places.
what a little whore, they whisper.

my mind has no denial.
there's no shame in my eyes -
only an ocean of regret and pain.
sometimes i wonder why they bother
because you can't break something
that's already broken {like my heart}.

take each insult as it comes -
whore, slut, bitch, cunt, disappointment -
and smile like they don't hurt.
go out, snort some coke, fuck a guy/girl
pretend i'm not dead on the inside
and hide the cuts on my arms.

look in the mirror.
take a chance tonight, he said.
and i took your hand {took your chance}
you showed me smoke and mirrors
and dark alleys and stolen beer.
it was a chance i shouldn't have taken.