i put my face into my hands,
kneeling down against the soft ground.
my back is pressed up against the wall,
feeling hard and uncomfortable.
i am fighting back the tears,
the sound that is threatening to escape from my lips.
it's building up inside,
ready to leave,
and i break inside,
all over again.
heart crushing,
crumbling into nothingness,
my mind a jumbled sort of mess.
tangling and weaving,
forming a black heart.
becoming cold and unforgiving,
just like like me in a sort, distant way.
chatter is filling up the atmosphere,
spilling under doors,
through vents,
streaming the air,
invisible but quite loud.
scents fill the air,
cinnamon, and salt,
i don't smile,
i frown,
and lean over some more,
all of it fills inside of me,
and a sound bursts from my mouth.
i immediately stifle it,
not alerting anyone of my presence.
no one is watching,
no one has come to find me yet,
and it doesn't even matter, i tell myself.
(but it does,) a side of me argues.
everything becomes blurry,
and watery,
and incoherent sounds burst through once more.
i realize that i am crying,
and it's hurts all the more.
it's crippling despair,
but i can't do anything about it,
except give in.
tired of being strong,
and i don't want to be weak,
but i don't know what to do at all.
tears fall,
and i close my eyes,
letting this fill me up with indistinguishable sorrow.