There's a touseld bed that already smells of sex and
Lumpy blankets tangled into awkward piles beneath
Our reckless bodies, I throw aside a few leftover wrappers
and his car keys, wallet and phone; Pull off my pant legs
One at a time, and settle like an egg yolk right in the middle
He hops on the bed and lays out like a child
Waiting for candy, two sweaty hands pushing between my thighs
His little giggle and desparate breath on my neck, I want you so bad.
I laugh and kiss his wide mouth,
Gnawing on his lip just because it pleases me to do so, touch his hair
And push my hands into his shirt, our tongues drawing shapes inside our mouths.
I feel as though everything is shrinking, seconds and bodies
Expanding, (but my pulse isn't racing like that time I noticed
Your hands were shaking and you couldn't look me in the eye.)


His mouth is on my mouth hard and I push at his shoulder,
I'm nearly gasping, the air so tight and our casual bodies so
Convincing.
I pull his body upon me and the weight of him is something so
Necessary, I hold onto that feeling; But he's already moving,
His hands pushing aside my panties, I remember when I was shy
And kept grabbing his wrist and kissing his knuckles, shaking my head as he sighed
But I realize Ive grown a preference for giving boys
more than a few opportunities to reject me,
(remember when you made a fool of me in the parking lot)


But this moment is more sure, and I don't feel the same fear
you seemed to bring about inside me, (he could never hurt me as much as you did)
And I'm at that feeling where you want to purr or get nasty,
Be teased or maybe just get it over with; His pale finger feeling
So fine upon that first entrance, when he just slides it up inside me,
You're so warm.
I let out a content breath, that gentle pushing, like waves,
My hips swim with the motion more and more urgently
His thumb turns rough, his overeager searching, and my calves twitch with the discomfort
A heavy breath and I try to just focus on the build up,
placing a pillow over my head,
sway my hips a little more like dancing and he sits with his cheek on my knee
Our eyes meet and my cheeks flush as I give an embarassed laugh but a pleased after-giggle,
my amateur tango making me blush.


He grins and his head dips, I lose words, his tongue making me loud, so I just make sounds
Squirm and grab at his hair, biting my lip almost to where it's bleeding, he gets excited
Using his fingers too and I come easy, wishing I could have drawn that feeling all over my skin until morning, but
I pull him up with shy murmuring and he rolls onto his back, settling back into that empty space beside me.


Maybe there is a second of savoring (like that second our eyes
Locked and we said nothing, I wonder if you noticed that, how
It reminds me of moments people like to put down on paper; a
Second that describes the most infinte form of loving, how they say
It's the look two people share when they are inconveniently but inescapably
In love with the other, though
It could have just been you glancing.)
Still, it takes just a small second like that for me
To be on my knees again, my bare skin chilling as
He waits for me to unravel him.


I press my tongue over his nipple, over and over,
and feel like a cat, lick lick, all over his thin, quivering body
Move down to his hips where he's lying like a cruscified saint
On the dull blue sheets beneath me, I grin at him
Feel the suspence in the air, sniff it and relish it as I pull my hair
To one side, and put my hand where his blood is rushing.


He closes his eyes and maybe groans, he told me he loved my tongue
and where it felt best, how, we went through blow job bootcamp and now, he's the one at my mercy.


I want to hear his sounds so I make sure to go
Slow, slow, right where he likes it; He moans my name
and I like it almost as much in his sex soaked voice
*as when you said it with your quiet grin and asked me something about trig* (almost)
So the pace quickens and his taste gets salty,
He is pushing on my head and practically begging
His voice gets softer but wilder, he shuts his eyes and goes to a different place
When he comes, it is all so momentary.


And I wonder if sex is a selfish thing, where we escape just to feel ourselves go crazy for brief moments,
the other body only necessary for the before and after.
Where the climax is an island we strand ourselves on, alone and not very clear minded, leaving
The other with a numb mouth and bitter tongue, as we soar past on silver wings
And the other is just happy they made you feel good for a bit...


I lay down and am maybe considering this when he kisses
Me and tells me he loves me, I say it back because I mean it
and feel the warm prickles of desire climb back into my toes.
(I remember when I called my love for you infatuation, too full of pride,
and maybe some shame, though
It's easier to admit to someone who is as reckless with love as I am,
like this boy with his black and white heart.)


He asks me what I want,
I say "to make sweet, sweet love" with a goofy grin,
He laughs and my heart aches with this moment
*I wonder if our sex would not even need it, we would just read each others wants by breathing*
And he's between my thighs again, his bony hips, our hair collecting,
Making the air stifling; Inside me, I remember
One time I considered imagining it was your dick
The dick going in and out like a needle goes over and under with thread (but I didn't.)


I groan and my voice pitches and I want everything harder
and faster all at once, but i can't say it
Instead just letting the desire build more achingly inside me,
He sounds panicked telling me he's about to come, Oh, god.
I am primal and without reason, we play a dangerous game,
I hook onto his hips tighter, clenching my thighs on his frame
He moans and fucks me hard, then jerks away fast.
My legs hurt but I pout for more and he sighs, wanting it too but more cautious than me.


(I'm guessing I would be even worse with you, if we became familiar like that, I probably would trust myself less
Cause if I imagine wanting you, it's that wild, stupid kind of wanting that gets girls prego
Cause fuck, I can barely stand next to you without forgetting where I am and who I'm with, so yeah I'd trust myself less...)


But I trust in this boy's clear head and how he is not
Too overwhelmed with his need of me to pull out
So we fuck with my legs on his shoulders.
And he looks me in the eye, dead on
With his swollen lips and heady expression, I get nervous,
unsure if to bite my lip so I laugh
He pulls away, rolls a condom as casual as a doobie,
and stands at the edge of the bed,
I roll onto my knees again


The laughing must be the nerves, I consider this as I press my cheek into the sheets
(I didn't laugh too much with you,
more in the beginning,
when you made me laugh so hard I was choking)


The love making starts out slow, I feel his thin hands on my wide hips,
The motion is exaggerated, and
I can feel everything precisely bent like this, *though
I feel as vulnerable as I did when I tried to tell you
and you just brushed me off hurriedly.*
But this boy meets me with secure and dominant thrusts,
he's not running away. and I cry out for it over and over,
louder than I usually can be.


My head heavy and hot and this is when the climax turns into a torturous thing, (like
Finding out you never loved me
Realizing you will forget me
Accepting you will love someone better and thinner and greater than me.)


I want to scream but just gasp, the scream getting caught
In the energy inside me, I come and my heart is pounding
Hard, my sudden quiet alerting the boy he has won and
he starts his quick sprint to the finish line.
When he's done, we roll over and I fit myself in the crook of his arm,
the shallow dip of his stomach.
We share dry, tired kisses, on his shoulder or ribcage,
it is too immediate to kiss with our tongues, still heavy with the taste of cum,
but I kiss his mouth anyway.
And feel his breath in my hair, his exhausted hand limp on my shoulder,
his unsteady breathing evening out into sleep
And I believe that I love him.


Even if it is temporary, and the love I felt for you felt more like forever,
I know I love this boy.
Right now, and even when he gets too tired to make me come twice,
I love how he started crying when he wanted it really badly,
the way his voice sounds when he is asking me to blow him
I love how his arms feel around me and how deep he falls into sleep,
his quiet snoring.
I love his lips and the shape of his tongue, the feel of his hair between my fingers
and how he doesn't seem nervous at all.
I love his small calves and how he sulks if I get moody, I love his carefree smile and how he's up for anything
These little details only two people can share
afterduringwhile fucking.


And I started writing this after I daydreamed what it'd be like to fuck you, how different and how similar
I would cut out the good things and share them with you and we could create our own naughty story
Thought maybe you should know how needy I get makebelieving you are upon me
and it's YOUR fingers and YOUR name that I'd be calling.
And I kept writing and maybe thought I'd make you jealous,
(Cause you're the one who broke my heart first remember.)


But as I wrote,
my thoughts veered away from you for the very first time
and I was able to write about the boy I thought did not inspire me.


Though I may sometimes remember that love with you would have been
Earthshattering.
I also forget the love I hold now is also
Poem worthy.


So it doesn't really matter that he can't make me feel exactly the way that you can,
Right now,
I don't want to think about how loveandsexandcuddling could be
So much more storybook ending with you (though often times I do)
Because you're not the one that I'm with.


And if you were, Im sure i would love to learn all your weak spots and try all the things that you want to
I'm sure I would love to stare at your body in detail and listen to your heartbeat while I get you off with my hand
I'm sure your tongue and your mouth, your words and your manerisms would all unravel and undo me
But you aren't.


And I've spent so many hours wishingwanting and pretending you are,
So maybe I'll stop.
Finally accept our fate. Maybe this poem was really an attempt to come
to terms with it and actually do it; Though I bet tonight I'll dream about you again,
and tomorrow I'll hear a song that reminds me of you and cry
It's still taking so much time.
But I'm learning.
To recognize the fine love I already have been given, and stop disregarding it with my
Emotional infidelity.


I'll stop clinging to a hopeless idea,
a story that will never happen,
and the mind blowing sex we will never have.


I did love you and it was different than any love I have experienced so far in my young life
I had never been so committed, I had never wanted anything so badly, never believed in anything as much.
But you reached out with your artist hands and let my heart slip from your grasp without even realizing, and
I can't beat myself up forever,
I may not ever be able to forget the love I believed in with you but I will overcome it,
I will believe there's something just as fine waiting for me with someone
Who wants me too.
Who can barely breathe when they see me.
Who thinksdreams and writes about me constantly.
Who is inspired and feels as though life shared with me is beyond infinite dreaming.
(all those things I felt for you)


I would have always loved you more, and maybe we both knew that,
why we never could have worked...


I'm beginning to mend, through all these attempts to understand
and stay true to the person who loves me; He maybe deserves someone
Who is not half in love with some other body.
And I hope you find someone more beautiful than me,
and better suited for you who will love you just as I did.
Because I loved you timelessly.
And that's the truth,
Like all our clothes unpeeling, like sex under a starry sky.
I loved you in the moment and between the seconds,
and I hope you find that again someday honestly, truly.
(May your sex set you aflame
And your love help you fly)
I'm sorry it wasn't/isn't/andcannot be me.
That we could never share that on a sweaty bed and careless morning.


But I guess I'll stop saying sorry.