Email Traffic on Eternitynet

From; Beelzebub

To; Satan

Boss,

You have got to do something. This last batch of American GIs are just getting to be too much. I don't know what's worse, the young one's that are coming in from Iraq and Afghanistan, or the Old Guys that were part of WWII, Korea and Viet Nam – but, you gotta do something.

Bub

/|\

From; Satan

To; Beelzebub

Bub,

What the heck's going on? We've been running this place for something like four thousand years. I've been up here on Earth for last Century – you've never needed my help for anything before. Heck, I thought you were getting tired of me watching over your shoulder all the time.

You can't take care of some soldiers trying to escape? Hell, the Americans are our best customers, I thought. They are so easy to tempt, it isn't funny.

Sincerely,

Nick

/|\

To; Satan

From; Beelzebub

Boss,

You don't get it. These guys are not trying to escape or repent – they are taking over. They've kicked half the demons off the ramparts and got the other half running laps and doing forced marches.

Heavens, they are more demonic than most of my demons. These "Gunnery Sergeants" and "SEAL Chiefs" are Definitely worse than my Demons. We NEED to put them on Staff.

Sincerely

Beelzebub

/|\

To; Beelzebub

From; Satan

Bub,

I see what you mean.

Ok, see the attached Policy letter.

Regards,

Satan

/|\

OPINST ..666

Permanent Party Policies for Support Staff and Cadre of Hell

EFEECTIVE IMMEDIATELY

US and UK military personnel will no longer be allowed to;
1. Use the ice from the ninth circle of Hell to fill beer coolers.

2. Use the Ice from the ninth circle of Hell to turn the Eighth Circle of Hell (Bolgia 3. into the largest steam room ever. In particular, sitting on Bolgia 3 and jeering at the Staff officers immured in Bolgia 2 (Flatterers) and the Intelligence Officers in Bolgia 4 (soothsayers and fortunetellers) is expressly forbidden.
4. Hijacking Charon's Ferry for Fishing Expeditions on the River Styx or conducting Amphibious Invasions of Limbo are also forbidden.

5. Using the Winds of Lust in the First Circle to Conduct Airborne Operations to maintain your "Jump Pay" is expressly forbidden.
6. The practice of advising the lesser Demons to "sue" their employer, over work related issues will end immediately. Combat Engineers caught removing Lawyers from Bolgias 6 and 7 of the Eighth Circle of Hell and using them to defrost Congressmen from the Ninth Circle of Hell will be severely punished.

7. Hell is not a Democracy and never will be. Calls for "Régime Change" will be severely dealt with.

THIS INSTRUCTION IS EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY ON RECEIPT OF THIS ORDER.

SATAN MEKATRIG, COMMANDER

/|\

From; Patton, George S.

To; Satan

Sir,

I and my men have relieved your current commander and his staff for gross negligence and incompetence. They are totally unfit to be in the position of trust that you have given them.

We have totally overhauled the structure and facilities of this area, administered remedial training and incarcerated those who are unable or unwilling to accept their duties in the Grand Scheme.

Sincerely

George S. Patton, Jr

Commander

/|\

From; Satan

To; Odin

Look, I know we've had our differences over the years, but I have got a problem. These American soldiers are getting to be a real problem in administering Hell, and Jehovah doesn't want them in his place either. Can we work out something? I know they follow they follow the White Christ, but I bet if you talked to them a bit, they'd fit right in with your folks at Valhalla, you know?

Thanks.

Satan

/|\
OPINST ..666 Amendment 1

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY

ALL US and UK Military Personnel received for in-processing to the First Circle of Hell will immediately be sent to Valhalla for In-processing to the Asatru Afterlife.

Noncompliance with this instruction will result in no less than 1000 subjective years in the Ninth Circle of Hell.

Satan Mekatrig, Commander