And I get it now.
I'm awake at 5:03, by a nightmare
Not a dream
I was at the edge of a cliff
In a car too big for me. I never learned
to drive, and yet I was playing games inside,
Games that I kept failing.
So the car
Rolled forward and normally, I'd wake
With a silent scream stuck to the brim
of my sleep lips,
My legs heavy as iron and my eyes
Snap back, just as death is greeting me.
This time though,
The first time (ever)
The brakes did not give out on me.
Right at the edge, I looked across and there was
A car with impatient people,
Wondering what they could do for me.
I lifted my hands like "I don't know why this happened."
And woke up catching my breath,
In my stale room, and thin blankets
My empty inbox and the thought
That you could comfort me.
Remember I always wanted to tell you about
And I finally got it.
Even with my achey head, and sleep softly
beckoning me back to its bed.
It wasn't that
You were perfect for me.
It wasn't just
Your name, your face or your drawings,
I fell in love with you mostly
Because, -I was selfish- You were the only person
Who (ever) made me feel like I wasn't
alone. You made me forget. And
gave company without
expectation, kindness without
a price. You were always more beautiful than me.
And lately, I've been insomniatic and
Depressive. Falling back into that empty place,
Not leaving the house and shoving harsh words
Into my head.
It's because you were my friend.
In a way that no one else
Or'd ever been.
If just took me a while to understand.
When I kept falling into love with you, when
I kept clinging to your knees with my bloody
Fingers and broken body, how
I kept saying I'd never meet someone like you *again*.
I kept saying I wanted you as some fixed part of me, I want
To know you the rest of my life.
You were my beautiful friend and your kindness
may have saved me. I am a
Damaged, undead girl who fakes smiles
And pretends everyday denying she is
Lonely. A hypocrite.
I never knew.
I'd never know... Not until
We fell apart. (So if I'm asking
I'm not asking, I just want to be
What we were,
Two people who knew one another
Two people who cared about
And if I stay in your life
If you choose to have me,
You do not love me in the way that I
Originally planned. The way, I thought
It should be.
But I was wrong.
And it was alright, the part you played in my life
I shouldn't have kept asking for
I can be your friend
Only this time, asking
You deserve unweighted affection
And I kept telling myself
That couldn't be me
I'd always be seeking more,moreplease
But I get it now,
And I want to be better.
I want to give you back
All that you deserve/sofreelygaveme.
I can be your friend
In a better way, without all my
I really get it now.
I'll always love you and
We can love each other. I know we did
I just had to redefine
And shape that love into
Something you could use
Too. And I want you to
Have everything, and
Imsosorry for being so
Inconvenient, I didn't mean it.
Just sometimes I get scared, sometimes I will
Not know enough, and I regret
(Only) how I treated you. How long it took to be better.
I can be your friend again
This time, knowing we are
*Just friends*, But we were more than friends weren't we?
Or at least we could have been
That's why you tried
To hold onto me.
Well I'msosorry I was so blind
But trust me
I can see it all so clearly
So let's recreate ourselves
And I'll redefine what you will mean to me,
What I can be for you.
(I want to be something you need
You'll still be so much more
Than alot of everyone else
But I won't be asking
(More) than you can give me. I can do good, too.
Please, give me a second chance.
I know people say
People never change.
Well I can be better,
I'll be better for you. I want you in my life
(And I can
Learn to be) a beautiful friend.
For shared company,
(I won't be selfish this time I swear.)
I'm going to fight for you still
I'm not giving up on you still
Because, I believe.
We were made for each other,
We were made to be friends.
And I can do that,
I can be that
For someone like you.
I'm not letting you go just yet, mister. ;3
You're stuck with me. :3
For a little while longer at least.