Fate and Miss Boring Me
Feyerah Klydell Evvs
That serene moment when you just give up and submit to fate's selfish whims because you actually don't know what you want other than what you have—that's what I'm feeling right now.
For some reason, I just find it peaceful, and I find myself bitter yet happy…and maybe sad. Very sad.
I'm sad at the fact that I don't even know what I want; sad that I could not help but make way for others because I don't want to obstruct them; sad that I'm this twisted girl who wants things but doesn't want them bad enough to try hard and fight for them.
I'm that girl. I'm not really hard to figure out. Well, half of me is hard to decode, but when you're lucky, and you hit the right spot, it'll be a piece of cake to know my thoughts and manipulate me. Most of the time, it's the latter; the former happens on those times when I, myself, am not sure of what I'm thinking.
What people don't notice though, is that even though I my thoughts are practically spelled on my face, I subconsciously change persona to match the situation at hand. I don't know how I do that, but I began doing it during 6th grade, when I realized how much of a bitch I really was to the eyes of other people. I tried peeling off the bitch side, but my achiever persona came along with it, since they're very much related with each other.
Now I've become this weird, half-hearted individual who could only let fate handle her life, but it's not like I'm just blindly moving through time. So far, the things that fate has chosen for me were surprisingly amazing things.
I don't really worry that much. Just for the record, I try to do my best all the time at what I do (well, maybe except for things that I don't like doing), but it's just different from doing my best with a goal in mind. I miss those times when I study so hard and get so happy receiving papers with perfect scores. I miss doing all that effort. These days, I'd only be exerting that effort whenever I need to code programs, but when it gets done, I go back to that bored air.
You see, the answer is simple. I just need to have a goal; something I want badly, but as of the moment, I think the thing I want badly is having a goal. That's why I'm just going where the unbelievable consequences of life take me. For now, I'm searching, and someday, I'll get an answer and find a fuel to escape this boredom.
I would not call it a hollow, it's just this flat feeling, where I'm not even sure if I care or not. It's like things are not worth mulling over, and I should just turn off my mind or go watch some anime or read some manga or novel.
I live like a detached observer, playing only whenever necessary or whenever I find the situation interesting. I know it's not fair to the people who actually live, but I, myself, actually live on times when I do things I want, like programming, watching anime or dramas, reading manga or novels, and drawing.
So far, I've figured out that I want to make a change and leave a big mark in the world. I want to create and explore—themes common from programming and drawing. I want to learn origins and discover possibilities, as to which field, I just don't know yet. The field is important, because it is the path that I must take.
The question isn't whether or not I believe in fate—it's what I define fate. For me, fate is not a separate omniscient entity that decides what becomes of me. Fate is the consequences of the actions and that I've done in my life, which time and again surprises me. It's the outcome of the decisions I made when I was presented with opportunities and obstacles.
Fate is directly proportional to the efforts I made; that is why I always do my best, even when I don't know where I would go. Events, opportunities and problems coming from my environment may be inevitable, but I still hold the final decision. So I don't believe fate predetermines my life. It's a living thing that affects us all; an equation that has not yet been worked out to the last digit, like the Pi.
As of the moment I may be just wandering, or procrastinating even, tagging along to where fate takes me, but eventually, all my decisions would define what I want, and therefore, my goals. If I haven't found my goal yet, then I might as well live to find that goal. Nothing changes the fact that as boring as I could be, still I'm a dreamer, and that great things are waiting for me in the future.