The Last Farewell
He was like a stranger standing by the doorway of the church doors. He looked around the room searching for one face. One face was all that he came here for. He was determined to see her for the last time or he would never go. All around him life and smiles continued but inside of him he was dying. The pain was tearing and ripping him apart into pieces.
He began to wonder why he came here. She didn`t even want him anymore, wasn`t that why they weren`t together anymore? He knew that things would never have worked out between them anyways, but that didn`t stop him from loving her. He wanted her so bad but sometimes it doesn`t make you and that person soulmates. They were never meant to be as much as his heart would ache for her.
"Ann…are you leaving?" he asked her as she made her way out the door.
"I`m leaving," was all she said. She wouldn`t even look him in the eyes and that made him angry.
"Are you leaving for good?" he asked.
She still didn`t look up at him. "Yes," she finally whispered.
"You`re not coming back?" he asked angrily. He was too angry with her to be sad.
"I`m not coming back."
And that was it. He didn`t even try to stop her. He just locked the doors after she left. Maybe it gave him a sense of comfort knowing that if he locked the doors she couldn`t come back into his life. Maybe for that moment he didn`t want her to come back, maybe he had gotten tired of fighting all the time and making up again. But now when he thought about it he couldn`t understand why he didn`t stop her from leaving. He regretted it. And it was what killed him every lonely night.
"Who`s side are you here for?" a guy came up to ask him.
"The groom," he lied as he stared straight ahead.
"Have you seen him?" the guy asked again.
He didn`t feel like having a conversation. What had he come here for again? She had invited him a week ago but he had already made his mind on the spot that he wasn`t going to go. He had pretended like it didn`t matter to him and that none of it was true. But here he was standing at her wedding.
"The groom? No I haven`t seen him yet..." he mumbled. He had been standing at the door the whole day with his hands in his pocket.
"Well you should come take a seat, I think they`re about to get started here in a moment," the guy said as he placed his hands on Jonas` shoulder and walked away.
Where would he sit? He belonged nowhere. He knew it too.
"Jonas?" he was taken in surprise by how familiar her sweet voice sounded like to him.
He turned around to see her in her white wedding dress. She was beautiful. It was suppose to be him he instantly thought as he stared at her. It was always suppose to be him.
"I thought you said you wouldn`t come," she said with a faint smile on.
"...I thought so too..but I just thought I would be here for you on your big day..."
He had been there for her for every big event in her life, he would be here for her today too. He wouldn`t miss out on a single second of her life, mostly because he wanted to be near her.
"That`s nice of you, thank you...," she mumbled as she looked down at the floor.
He hated it when she couldn`t look him in the eyes. He just now realized that it made him feel like she didn`t love him anymore.
"...Well...we`re getting started here in a bit...," she said slowly as her eyes strayed further away from him.
He knew that she had nothing to say to him, but he had a lot he wanted and needed to say to her.
"Well I gotta go Jonas, I`ll see you a bit," she smiled. She turned around to go.
These were the two words that he should have said a long time ago. These two words could have changed everything. He wouldn`t be here if he would have let her know back then that he didn`t want her to go. He never wanted her to go.
She turned around sadly. She knew what he meant when he said that. She just wished that he could have said those words earlier. Now it was too late for him and for her.
"I have to," she said sadly without looking him in the eyes. Then he watched as she walked away and disappeared into the corridors.
His heart was aching for her and she didn`t answer his call. He felt his eyes moistened by the tears that were now forming in his eyes. It's real. This is all real. She was getting married and not to him like how he had always imagined it. She was really leaving him for someone else. She was going to spend the rest of her life in the arms of someone else. It suddenly made him long to feel her body in his arms, to smell the scent of her hair as it tickled his face. Suddenly he missed her and the way that they use to be more than he had ever before.
"Do you not want to marry me?" she asked as she stood across the bed from him.
"What?" he asked in surprised as he was taking off his shirt.
Where did she suddenly come up with the topic of marriage? They had never talked about marriage before.
"Do you not want to marry me?' she asked again.
"I don`t know," he answered. "Some day, but not now."
"Why not now? We`ve been together longer than some of my friends and they`re already married."
So it was going to her friend`s wedding today that set her off.
"Someday okay sweetie?" he said as he got into bed. He turned around to see her still standing there staring at him.
"Come into bed," he said nicely.
"No, I think I want some time to myself," she said as she put her shirt back on and walked out of the bedroom.
There was another chance that he could have done the right thing to make a dramatic change in where they were right now. It was another chance that he missed to have kept her from leaving.
Jonas turned to see who it was this time. He had felt like such a stranger coming here but yet no one would leave him alone.
"Anette," he said in a bit of a shock.
"I`m surprise you came," she said not trying to be rude. She was surprised. She thought that either he wouldn`t care or cared too much to come. She wondered which one it was. She knew he still loved her sister as much as he had from the beginning.
"I`m here," he said resignedly.
"...Have you seen Roger?" Anette asked.
"Her husband?" the words sounded so foreign on his lips.
Anette nodded her head.
"No, I haven`t seen him," and he was thankful because he didn`t know if he could control himself if he saw the guy.
"Have you seen...my sister?" Anette asked.
"...Yeah, just a moment ago," he answered looking around the room.
Today, here he just couldn`t meet anyone`s eyes.
"Oh...did she seem okay?"
"She`s happy," he said and it was more like he realized it instead of answering Anette`s question.
"I think so," Anette said then she turned around and smiled at him. "I hope you`ll stay for a while."
Then she left and he was alone again.
She had wanted a little house in the country with a wide green pasture. He wanted a house in Los Angeles with court side tickets to the Lakers Game. She wanted a peaceful life and to settle down with kids. He wanted to go shopping in Paris and climb Mount Everest and have no responsibilities. It was just how different they were but somehow they lasted for four long years. It wasn`t always so bad. They were happy with each other. He knew he was happy with her, he just wasn`t sure he ever made her happy enough. She seemed happy with him but then again she was good at concealing her emotions. He wished he could have opened her up to him more.
They fought. They cried bitter tears. They left each other but it was never for good. They made up. They kissed. And said they`d never do it again. Her leaving for real was such a stranger to him. He never thought she would have left for real, because he realized he had taken their love for granted.
He came here because he wanted to see her for the last time. He came here because he needed to let some things out before it was too late. Things would be too late for him, but would that mean that they were over? Just because she got married, would that meant she stopped loving him and thinking about how she use to be with him when she lay down to sleep at night? Would she still even see him for a second in her mind when her husband made love to her the same way he did to her?
But what about him? Did he think of her when he made love to other girls the same way he did to her? And in the same bed too? He did, once or twice, see her face and hear her voice calling out his name demanding for more than what he was giving to her. He should have given her more and his everything.
Jonas took a seat on the back pew as the ceremony started. Roger looked like a faggot he thought. He couldn`t believe that this was who Anna Marie had settled for. She always settled for less but for more love. And that was exactly what he didn`t give her. The pain of regret was beginning to settle deeper into him.
Then he had this terrible notion in his head to stop her. Stop her from getting married to some faggot with a with a widow`s peak and fake beard. The dude looked forty when he was only supposedly twenty-four. He couldn`t believe that this was what his Anna Marie was going to spend the rest of her life with. She deserved more than this, she was suppose to be with him.
Now more than ever his heart ached to be up there with her. He wanted to be the one who was looking into her eyes right now knowing that he was going to be spending the rest of his life in her care. She was all that he needed, all that he wanted, all that he could never have again.
And now as he watch her walk down the aisle towards him with her arm in her husband`s, he became more sad than angry. It's all real. It's all happening right before him. Everything that he feared when he first heard the news, everything that he thought alcohol could make him forget. How could he ever forget her? What could make him forget the only person he would ever love in his life?
Everyone got up and followed the newlyweds outside. He was the last one out the door. Would he trigger that notion in his head and stop her? Would he be doing it for him or for her? No he was doing it for the memories in his head that he knew kept them both awake. He would do it for the sadness in her eyes when she said that she had to go. He would do it because he didn`t do it before.
Jonas pushed through the crowd and emerged to see her smiling. It faded away when her big beautiful brown eyes landed on him. They stood there staring at each other and the whole world faded away. The crowd was no more, their voices were far away, and it was just him and her. He felt the strong sense of her lips on his cheeks, of her body on his, he felt the impossible connection that they had once had. He remembered everything. He wanted it all back.
Jonas reached out and grabbed her hand.
She looked at him in surprise with her innocent face.
"Don`t go," he said sternly. He fought to keep his tears inside of him.
He could see as she gently, just ever so gently nodded her head no.
"I wouldn`t have went...had you done this sooner," she said hardly a whisper. "I`ve been waiting for you all this time." She looked sadly away from him.
His heart ached for him. Suddenly she was all that mattered to him. The blood started to rush in his head as he could hear his own heart rapidly beating. She can`t go he thought. She can`t go. What about tomorrow? What about yesterday? How could he go the rest of his life knowing that he had the chance to stop her but didn`t? How would he live his life? She can`t go.
Suddenly he was pushed away by the guy who had been talking to him earlier by the doors.
"...Who the hell is this?" he heard Roger asking.
"No one," his Anna Marie answered.
"I`m not no one Anna, I`m Jonas, you loved me, you love me more than you love this faggot," Jonas yelled out.
He was losing all control. To love.
Next thing he knew, he was on his knees in front of Anna Marie clinging onto her hands.
"I told you to come pick me up," Anna Marie bitched at him.
He hated it when she bitched at him. She could become so annoying at times. It made him wish that he was single again.
"I`m sorry I forgot to, the game was on," he said as he continued to stare at the television.
Anna Marie walked over to the cable wire and cut it with scissors.
"What the fuck Ann?!" Jonas yelled getting up from his seat.
"That got you off your fucken ass," she yelled.
They were arguing again and he knew it.
Jonas sighed. "Look you`re right I`m sorry."
She seemed to relax.
"Don`t go," he said.
He knew she always left to Anette`s when they fought.
"...I`m not going anywhere," she said looking down at the floor.
Jonas wish so bad that she would say the same thing to him right now. He prayed in his mind while people clamored around him. The tears that he had fought so hard to hide were impossible to conceal now.
"Don`t go Anna," he begged her. "I`m sorry that I didn`t fight to keep you, I`m sorry I didn`t work harder to make things work between us...I`m sorry, I`m sorry Anna, please don`t go, don`t just leave me like this."
He felt as she place one hand on top of his that was already on her.
"I have to Jonas, things would have never worked out between us anyways," Anna Marie said. "What we had just wasn`t ever meant to be."
Then she was gone. Again. From his view. From his life.
He didn`t know how to love her before. But he knew now that it was too late. Jonas stood up from his recliner in his dim room. He didn`t want sunshine, he didn`t want anyone, he didn`t want to talk. All the windows were shut close and the doors were locked. He had tried and failed. That's what hurt him the most. That the one time he tried was when it was too late to even give a damn about trying.
He went to the bathroom and took off his shirt. He threw it into the laundry basket. Jonas made sure that everything was clean. He made sure that everything was perfect.
The pain had been throbbing in his heart for days. The memories had been keeping him awake for nights. And the realization hit him harder each day. He couldn`t stand it any longer. He didn`t know how in any way he could stand it any longer.
Jonas went back to his dark living room and stood in front of the wide window that was shut closed. He stood there half naked as he trembled in his cold skin. The world had become pointless to him, everything that he ever worked for had no more reasons, even his own life seemed sad and ended to him. And that was why he had decided that today he would end his life. He had sat here in his dark room for days just thinking about it. He knew it was the only way to make him forget her, he had found his answer. He watched the little stream of sunlight that crept through the lines in the vertical blinds.
He said good bye to the world. Then he raised the cold end of the barrel of his pistol to his temple. Anna Marie hated him for weeks when he bought this gun. He bought it for protection he argued. In the moments before his life would end he thought about her and her only.
He thought about the feeling of her head heavy on his chest. He thought of the way she wiped her tears because she didn`t want to cry in front of him. He thought about the cute wrinkles around her eyes and her tiny ears. Most of all he thought about the way that she smiled. Her lips were pink and perfect. Because...he use to be able to make her happy. The last year that he had with her all she did was cry and cry. She didn`t even cry in his arms anymore, she locked herself in their room and cried as he listened from the couch.
He remembered every little thing about her in this few moments he had. He remembered every single day they had together. 1,460 days he had spent with her. 1,460 of the happiest days of his life.
He knew now why he went to her wedding. To try to save their love one last time. If it didn`t work out than he didn`t know how to save it anymore. He didn`t know how to save himself from the hurt and terrible solitude anymore. He had gone for their last farewell.
He closed his eyes. He had to do this because it was the only way to make the pain go away. He couldn`t live with himself anymore, he couldn`t live without her anymore. Jonas felt the cold end of the barrel against his sweating skin.
"I Love You Anna Marie," he said then he put a little force on his index finger and pulled the trigger.
The little sunlight that was able to get through the vertical blinds illuminated the body of the dead man on the floor. It made his skin glisten. It was eerily silent in the dark room where once happiness and laughter rang throughout. Blood trickled down his temple onto his handsome face. His eyes once passionate were now dead and cold. He was no more just like he and she was too. In his hand was a note that she would never get to read. It read "I`ll wait for you if I can`t have you in this life. Good-bye my Anna Marie."