I stand in front of the door, my hand on the knob and then second guess myself. Turning I pace in front of the door and take deep breaths.
I can't do this… I've never broken it off with someone before.
I quickly go through the speech I made in my head and start to feel relieved. The speech Meg and I came up with was prefect. I'll let him in, ask him if he wants a glass of wine and then break it to him.
Easy, you've got this Karen.
Another knock and Bryan's voice asking if I'm home, faintly passes through the door.
I take a deep breath, and then pull open the door. Bryan smiles, relieved, "There you are." He leans into the room, giving me a kiss on the cheek but I keep standing there, shocked. Not because of his kiss but because when he saw him I completely forgot about my unfaultable-break-up-speech.
Bryan stands awkwardly in the hall, not sure what to do with himself. He put his hands in his pockets.
Shit, I can't do this…
I curse my sister for leaving me alone to do this, conveniently going to the grocery store. Actually, I'm happier that she isn't here or she would be making fun of me by now… I mean come on, I'm already freaking out and Bryan isn't even inside yet.
"So…" Bryan's says softly, completely confused. My eyes snap me out of my thoughts and I look at him, almost surprised that he's still here.
"Oh…um, yeah come in." I present my apartment to him with my hand. As he passes me, I silently shoot myself with my finger 'gun'.
"Is Meg here?" He glances around the apartment and back at me, completely catching my suicidal moment. I quickly put my gun away and choose that moment to shut the front door, hiding my reddening face from him.
"No." I breathe out, answering his question.
I lean my face against the door, hoping its cold metal will make the blush in my cheeks go away or perhaps if I manage breath in enough I can get iron poisoning and die. Is iron poisoning even a thing?
Hot breath splays across the back of my neck, and hands come around my waist pulling me into a hard chest.
Oh my… what is happening!
"Unngh" Okay, I know that isn't a word but that was all that came out. My wide eyes stare at the hands, Bryan's hands, pulling me closer to him.
"Shush…" He place light, feathery kisses on the side of the neck, "It's okay to be nervous."
Finally, I realized what he thought I invited him over for… and my peculiar actions must have sealed the deal.
"That wasn't..." He continues to kiss my neck, "I didn't…" Bryan's lips rub against the place between my neck and shoulder making my shiver.
"…You don't understand." I push hard against the door, making Bryan stumble away from me. His face would have been priceless at any other moment, but I just couldn't help feeling bad for the guy.
"Bryan…I invited you over to talk to you. Just talk."
"Oh…uh." He rubs the back of his neck, and stares up at the ceiling. After a moment, he starts chuckling, and then his bright eyes glance at mine. "Sorry, that was…"he shrugged his shoulder and not finding the right word for it.
"It's okay…" I smile up Bryan, but realized that I shouldn't smile at him too much and quickly frown. Walking into the kitchen, Bryan follows and takes a seat on one of the counter chairs, while I pull out a bottle of wine. Before I can pour him a glass, he grabs it from me and sets it down on the counter next him.
"What's this about Karen?" As he asks this he lifts an eyebrow at me.
"Are sure you don't want to have something to drink first? You know, to loosen up?" I tilt my head at the bottle, trying to be casual about it. Although, by the look Bryan is giving me, I don't think he is buying it. The more he stared, the more uncomfortable I felt and the more the silence between us was getting louder.
I sighed heavily, and then walk around the kitchen, sitting down next to him, "Okay, um…I don't really know how to say this…" I look down at my hands, contemplating my next words.
He chuckles, catching me off guard.
"Are… Are you laughing at me?" Glancing at Bryan, I notice that he's trying to contain his chuckles by place a hand over his mouth.
"I've already guessed what was wrong… it's just funny watching you suffer." He admits and then lucky deflects my punch from landing on his shoulder.
"I can't believe you…and if you're so smart. What's wrong, uh?" I tilt up at him, expecting an explanation.
"Well after understanding that I'm not here for some…fondling…and with you practically tweaking out. I'd say you're breaking up with me."
"Why are you acting as if that's okay?"
"Oh thank god… I thought this was going to be super difficult…" I sigh in relief, standing up I hug Bryan hard, trying to make known how happy I was.
Who would have thought he was so open…
"Though I want to know why…" Bryan states, which completely crushes my happy demeanor.
"You… what?" I say softly.
"Just so I'm clear…Why do you want to break up?" He looked up at me.
I know what to say but not how to say it… I stand there silent.
"I'm going to out on a short limb here and saying it has to do with Cal?" He looked up at me as if he already knew the answer.
"Your right, but it's probably not what you think." I sigh and sit back into my chair, grabbing his hands. I make sure he's looking at me and continue, "If we keep dating, I don't trust myself to not eventually cheat on you with Cal. I really like this guy, Bryan." I pause,"… I don't think it's fair to you if all I can think about is Cal, even if you are sitting right in front of me. I know what it's like to be the cheated on, and it sucks." I frown, thinking about all those guys who did it to me.
"You're an awesome guy, Bryan." I chuckle as I realize that's true, "Sorry, if that sounded lame, but it's true."
"Your awesome too, Karen." He patted my hands, and then smiles, "So… when is the wedding? You know the one between you and Cal." Bryan teases me and I push him away, shaking my head.
"We are not even together, Bryan." I grab the wine bottle, putting it back into the cabinet.
"Wait… Cal doesn't know does he?" Bryan asks me… but I don't know where he's going with this line of questioning.
"Know what?" I turn to Bryan.
"That you totally dig him." Bryan smiles standing up, he puts his hand on my shoulder shaking me a little, "You never told him."
"He knows…" I blink, "At least I think he does…"
"Did you ever say it? And to him I mean." His hands crossing his chest, he scrutinizes me as I try to think of an exact time I've said it.
"Um… I told him he was always on my mind… and then I yelled at him to leave me alone." I groaned as I placed my hands in my face, regretting being mad at Cal.
"You did what? That's okay you can fix this... All you need to do is talk to him." I groaned some more at the thought of that conversation.
"I don't think so."
"What do you mean you don't think…"Bryan's words were cut off because a bouncy Meg came through the door.
"I got you ice cream, Karen, by the end of the night we will have that heartbreak completely frost bitten." Meg steps into the kitchen, pulling out said ice cream and then freeze at the site of Bryan and me, "Oh. Your still here Bryan…" Meg gives me a look that totally says why-didn't-you-warn-me-so-I-didn't-just-embarrass-myself.
"Meg, it's fine! Bryan took it quite well." I take the ice cream out of her hands.
"Did you know that she hasn't told Cal she likes him?" Bryan expresses to Meg disbelievingly.
"Karen! You told him about Cal?" Meg scold me, "You don't know how to break it off with someone, do you?"
"She did just fine." I smiled at the way Bryan was standing up to me.
Meg just glared at Bryan's righteous remark.
I shrug my shoulders deciding to ignore them both; I take the top of the ice cream container and dig out a piece of cookie dough from the mixture.
Before eating the scrumptious bit of dough, I look back and forth between Bryan and Meg, "You know you guys look good together." Popping the dough in my mouth, I wait in silence for them to register what I said.
Wait for it…
"Excuse me…?" Meg says at the same time Bryan says, "What?"
"You both heard me. Meg, I highly recommend him. And Bryan, if you thought I was awesome, Meg's more." I sighed as they still looked speechless, "Meg you still with Ted?" I wait for her to answer; she shakes her head, "Good. I'm setting you two up. Consider this payback, Meg."
And with that, I waltz into my room, giving the new couple some alone time and effectively distracting them from interrogating me more about the 'Cal Situation'.
A land with rolling hills, I'm sitting on the long grass that billows in the wind. The hills of grass resemble a green ocean. I hear faint galloping from behind me and quickly look, but I can't see clearly through the forest to know where it is.
As I stand up to find where the galloping is coming from, my gown weighs me down. I pick up the skirts and track down the sound. Weaving through the trees and ducking under the low branches. The galloping becomes fainter than finally stops. And I know exactly where to look; I push through the dense brush quickly and find myself in a small clearing. A majestic white horse takes up the space. There is a man on top of it but I can't see his face because he is turned away from me. His dark brown hair shines in the sunlight. I know that this man is my prince, I can feel it.
Just as I get close everything slows down. There's no more wind, no more sounds. I try to peek around to catch a glimpse at his face, or at least his profile. I walk around towards the front of the horse, getting closer still. But I can't see his face. It's like every move I make, he counteracts it. The world shifts him, only him, away from me. Why can't I see him? I walk quicker around the horse, trying to catch up. Leaning in closer, my foot snaps a twig on the ground. Then, everything is still, I hold my breath. Quicker than a blink, his head turns toward me. Green eyes stare back into mine, unkindly. Cal.
I snap up in my bed, all awareness focused on where am. Blinking around in the darkness I realize I'm in my room…and not in a field anymore. Grabbing my plush, white covers, I fall back onto the bed.
Cal. Of course it was Cal. I ponder that thought more and then curse my conscious for being so…thoughtless.
Why couldn't you have made this clear in the beginning…then I wouldn't be in this mess. Your cruel…very, very cruel.