Hey y'all. Maybe I'll try being Southern for a while. I definitely need to brief you guys on my Southern belle fantasy in a future rant. But this splurge is being written because school is starting soon and I have a crapton of work to do, and I'm also worried. Really really worried.

Y'all, I have a confession. I feel like Ellen.

I have another confession. A deeper, darker, terrifying, tear-inducing confession. I have forgotten how to communicate with people.

What are people?

What is talking?

People talk in person? Not using the Internet? What nonsense. I think you need to go see a therapist. Enough of this crazy talk.

But seriously, I've forgotten how to act around real people.

This entire break, I have spent most of my free time talking with my friend. Let's call her Whammy. Because she's a violent little child. Whammy has been my sole link to the civilized world. Now I'm going to be forced back into a dog-eat-dog world of smart people who will talk to me and I won't know how to respond and I'll be like "Uh… that cheese smell isn't me! I took a shower. I like men. Mmmm," and then they'll be freaked out and leave and tell everyone about the crazy smelly girl and I won't have any friends and my life will be OVER!

I don't smell bad, by the way. I smell delicious.

I have this sudden low tolerance for people. On January 1st, I went to my friend's birthday party. Usually I'm the loudest person there, but this time I just sat in a corner playing Temple Run and generally hating people. I just didn't know what to do with myself. I was like Oh, someone's talking to me. What do I do now? Smile? Laugh? Respond? But… that means I have to use my brain and think and interact and oh my lord I hate people holy shit I'm about to die let me play Temple Run in peace why does everybody hate me FML.

Oh, and another thing. Another deep, dark, terrifying, tear-inducing thing. I have begun thinking in text-talk. Whenever someone said something at the party, I took my mind off of Temple Run for a brief moment to think LOL and then I wanted to shoot myself. I actually thought LOL. I need help.

Please be my friend. Please teach me how to interact with people.

Please. Have mercy. Save a lost soul.

I'll give you coooookieeees.